Wednesday, September 22, 2010

In loving memory of Sienna Marie Farmer

I have a friend that has been following my blog put this together for us. She did such a beautiful job! Thanks Ashley! We will always cherish this video.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Why is it so hard!

I thought now that I had Sienna, had her service and am starting to heal from the delivery that it would get easier but it seems to get harder. It has now been a week since I had her and I feel like my true emotions are coming through. I felt like I have held it together so well this past week but tonight I can't hold anything in.
I am sitting here alone crying my eyes out and using up pretty much every tissue in the box and praying that this pain will go away. I miss Sienna, I understand her mission here on earth is complete but why is this getting so hard for me. I tried to write down my experience in my journal but I only wrote one sentence before I lost it again. I sit here and think why this is happening to me. I feel to young to be going through a trial this big.
I am scared for the future and know I can't handle going through this again. It was hard enough going through this once but I want to be pregnant again so bad but I am scared it could happen again. I will never take advantage of a healthy pregnancy ever again. It was such a miracle to have Gavin but I never really thought about it until I saw all the complications with this pregnancy.
Sienna please give me the strength to hold it together. Help your mommy out. I miss you so much and want to be with you right now. I hope I don't have too many days like today because it is too hard to handle. I love you sweet girl. You are my forever angel. Please watch over us tonight.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Graveside Service

Sienna's service was so beautiful. We just did a small graveside with our families there. The spirit was so strong there and I could feel Sienna's spirit there the whole time. I just have to say I have the best husband in the whole world. He has been the biggest support through all of this and has been there every step of the way with me. Our relationship has gotten stronger and closer through this trial and I don't know what I would do without him. He means the world to me and I am amazed and how well he has handled everything. I will explain about the service under each picture.

Quin said this was the hardest part for him but my mom told me later that I carried Sienna in the beginning while Quin carried her in the end.

Gavin put her lamby on the casket for the whole service. He was so good through the service. He has been so hypher right before this but you could tell even Gavin had the spirit with him during the service cause he did so well and was so calm. We began the service with a prayer and we sang "I am a Child of God". My dad then said a few words about eternal families. My mom read the poem that I posted in an earlier post. Quin's dad dedicated the grave and did an amazing job.

We then released the balloons in honor of Sienna and this is something that me and Quin want to do every year. The spirit was so strong during this part. I was like angels were in the sky playing with the balloons. It was so beautiful.

This is my favorite picture of the balloons cause if you look closely it looks like the balloons are forming an S for Sienna.

We then placed roses on her casket. Quin and Gavin put their boutineers on the casket.

After the family left we as a family said our goodbyes to her.

My ward put on a luncheon for after the service and they did an amazing job. This was the display we had up at the luncheon.

Yesterday was a really hard day for us but at the same time it was so spiritual and I felt like we got more closure. It was be a long road of healing ahead and it is hard that we don't have our baby girl with us but we are grateful to have her for the time that we did. She has blessed our families lives and helped our family become closer together. I will look at other trials as being so little compared to this. I will enjoy life more and do my best every day and strive to be a better person because we have a special angel watching over us and I don't want to make any mistakes so that me and Quin can see her again and raise her. That reunion will be so amazing. I feel like that time can't come soon enough. My testimony of this gospel has grown so much from this experience. I know that families can be together forever, I am grateful for the atonement and for the pain that Christ went through so that we could make it through these hard times. I am grateful for the resurrection so that we can see Sienna again. I know the power of prayer works. Even though it didn't get Sienna here. It blessed us with an angel and lifted us up through this hard time.
Thank you everyone for following our journey. It has come to an end but Sienna will always be apart of us and I hope she has blessed some of your lives. We couldn't have done this without the prayers, love, and support that you have all given us. We love you guys and grateful for what you guys have done for us. I am grateful for the friendships we have made through this journey and there are friendships we will have forever. I am glad I am now apart of the DS family. Even though my daughter isn't here I feel a connection with kids with Down Syndrome. We love you and thanks for everything.
And Sienna we love you so much!! Thanks for being our guardian angel. We can tell you and Gavin has such a strong connection and I swear you are playing with him sometimes cause he is laughing and playing in his room and no one is in there with him so we know you are playing with him. If your brothers and sisters are still up in heaven let them know that us parents love you guys so much and can't wait to bring more children down to this earth. We love you sweet girl and will never forget you!!

Sienna's Arrival

I am going to start at when I thought Sienna had passed away. A week before I had Sienna was my last doctors appointment with the high risk. She said it was a matter of time before she was gone. She told me to go on with my life and not worry about resting cause there was no hope. The day after that appointment I felt sick to my stomach and I just felt like something was wrong the whole day. I was in the worst mood the whole and knew something was just not right. That was the day I stopped feeling my baby girl move. It broke my heart cause I knew that was the day she had passed. Me and my husband had stuff planned that weekend for my birthday so I thought I would wait until my next doctors appointment to wait to see if she still was alive or not. That Sunday my whole family did a fast that Sienna and our family would have peace with her passing. That night we broke our fast and my husband Quin gave me a blessing. Some of the words he said in the blessing hit me really hard. One thing he said was that I would let go of Sienna cause her mission was done here on this earth and she had things to do in heaven. I didn't realize but at that moment I knew I wasn't letting go of her and that I needed too. Peace came over me as he gave me that blessing and I knew that she was done with her mission here on earth. It was an amazing spiritual night for our family. Quin got a blessing that night from his dad and in it his dad said that we will look forward to having more children and that has been hard for me and Quin to think about cause we are scared to have more kids with what we have been through with Sienna but I know only time can heal and we will have to see how we feel in a year. We are going to take time for our family next year to enjoy one another and to heal from this trial we have faced.
We went in on Tuesday for our appointment. I came packed and I packed Gavin so he could stay with my mom. I knew that we wouldn't hear a heart beat when we went in that day. We headed into the office and me and Quin were quiet the whole time knowing that we knew it was the day we would find out our sweet girl wasn't with us anymore. It was a long wait cause our doctor was doing a delivery and when she finally came in she put me on the table and tried to find the heart beat. You could tell she was having a hard time and didn't want to search forever so she took us over into the next room to check it on the ultrasound. As soon as we saw Sienna and her heart standing still our hearts just sunk and it hit us hard that we wouldn't be raising this little girl. She called labor and delivery and they told us to come back in a couple of hours. I went back to my moms while Quin went home and packed.
It was not fun for us to go back to the hospital knowing we wouldn't come out with a baby. We had the sweetest people helping us from the second we got into the hospital. Angel watch called the hospital and made sure we had the best care possible while we were there and we sure did. Labor was not fun for me at all since they had to induce me. It was way easier when I was in labor with Gavin. I started to feel contractions an hour after they gave me the pill so I asked for some pain medicine. They put some in my IV and I got sick to my stomach and felt like I was going to pass out. After that wore off I told them I didn't want the stuff in the IV and that I wanted the epidural. I was barely dilated to a 1 but the pain was more then I could handle. The guy came in and gave me the epidural and I felt it work right away.
It was the longest night of my life. I barely slept 10 minutes here and there and I had horrible side effects to the medicine. I felt the contractions even though I had the epidural. Finally 12 hours after being in labor the nurse check me and I was only a 2 but the baby was coming out. She hurry and called the doctor and she was there within 20 minutes. The nurse then pushed on my stomach and Sienna practically fell out of me. She was still in the sac cause the water hadn't broke but she broke it and set Sienna on my chest. They hurry and cleaned things up and left the room so that me and Quin could have alone time with her. It was so hard to see her limp body laying there. I felt so empty as I laid there staring at her. It was so hard for us at that moment but we knew she was better now. After a while being with her we asked the nurse to come clean and dress her.
After she was cleaned and dressed the photographer from now I lay me down to sleep came and took the most amazing pictures of her that I know we would cherish forever. We had so many visitors and so much support that helped get me and Quin through that day. As soon as Gavin came in the room we showed him his sister and without us saying a word her said "she is with Jesus." He knew that that wasn't her spirit with that body. He was a little nervous to be around her but he warmed up to her. He brought her lamb and showed it to her but he held on that lamb all day long.
The hardest part for me was when the mortician came and asked us to wrap her up so she is completely covered and Quin carried her down to the car. I did not want to let go of her at that time and once they took her out of the room it was so hard for me to see that empty bassinet sitting next to my bed so when Quin came back they took it out of my room. I wanted to leave the hospital right then cause I didn't like being there without the baby but the hospital set up a romantic dinner for me and Quin to have before we left so we stayed there for another hour then they brought us in an amazing dinner. They were so good to us and I have never been treated so well at any other hospital. We had the best experience there despite our situation. I had a hard time saying goodbye to my nurse cause she was so good to us and we felt very connected with her. It was good to be home but I kept forgetting that I just delivered a baby and wanted to move on with my life but I have been in a lot of pain and have to remember that I have to rest and take care of myself.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Our Angel

My friend sent me this poem and it made me cry so hard. I know that this is how Sienna feels right now...

When tomorrow starts without me and I'm not here to see...

If the sun should rise and find your eyes filled with tears for me,

I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today...

While thinking of the many things we didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me, as much as I love you...

And each time you think of me, I know you'll miss me, too.

But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand

That Jesus came and called my name and took me by the hand,

He said my place was ready in heaven far above...

And that I'd have to leave behind all those I dearly love.

So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart...

For every time you think of me, I'm right here in your heart!

I love you Sienna and you will always be in my heart! I will write about my experience in the hospital a little later. It is a busy day for us today. The ring that she has on her toes in this picture Quin picked out for her on my birthday a few days ago and he now wears it on a necklace around his neck. He will always have her near to his heart too.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

She will always be our angel

We went in today and her heart has stopped. It has all hit me real hard and I am scared for these next couple of days but am ready for this to come to an end. I go back in in a hour and they will start me. I am not looking forward to tonight and tomorrow but I know it will be a spiritual experience for us. Thanks for all the support. It has truly helped us so much and lifted us.

Today may be the day

I haven't felt Sienna move in almost a week. I know the doctor said it would be harder for me to feel her move but I haven't felt a thing since last week so I have a feeling that today is when we will deliver her. Our appointment is this afternoon. I wanted to let everyone know so if you don't see another post in a few days then you will know why.
This last week has seemed so long since I haven't been able to feel her. Quin gave me a beautiful blessing on Sunday saying that Sienna's mission is complete and that I need to let go of her. It was hard for me to hear to let go of her but she has blessed us in so many ways already. We had Angel Watch come yesterday to help plan our birth plan and gave us some ideas for a graveside service.
These next two weeks will be extremely hard for me and Quin but I can't wait to be at peace again and move on. Thanks everyone for your support. I will update again when I get out of the hospital and let everyone know about our experience. Please pray that me and Quin will get through this cause I know it will be a very hard week for us especially when we have to give Sienna to the mortician. I am not looking forward to this week but I hope the spirit can be with us and it will bring us closer together.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Roller Coasters aren't fun!

I can't wait for this roller coaster to be over. Today we finally got to measure her after 3 weeks and I was hoping it was good cause the doctor was so optimistic about everything last week. But she hasn't really grown. She was almost 400 grams last time they measured her and she was 410 grams this week and they say babies are suppose to grow 100 grams a week so she has barely grown 10 grams and is still well under a pound. She is measuring 21 weeks and I am over 30 weeks. They said it is just a matter of time until she passes away. They are sending me back to my original doctor since they can't do much anymore so I will go to her every week to hear the heart beat and once the heart stops then they will deliver me and they just want to make sure I don't go into preclampsia. And plus it is extremely hard for me to feel her anymore, so hearing the heart beat will be the only way to know if she is alive every week.
They are setting up an appointment for me to meet with Angel Watch so I can plan how I want the delivery to go, what things I want to keep, and to plan the funeral services. They don't think it is much longer at the rate she is growing it will eventually stop soon. I don't have to be on bed rest anymore since there is no hope. She said to just enjoy every day right now and go forward with life.
Wow the roller coaster of emotions have been so much for me to handle. Sienna really has changed my life. My testimony has really grown and I know she has changed many peoples lives. I can tell she has fullfilled her mission here on this earth because of the lives she has blessed. I know she will continue to bless our lives even after she goes. Like Gavin says "Baby sister wants to be with Jesus." And personally I don't blame her. Who wouldn't want to be with him. She is one lucky girl! And I am a lucky mommy to have carried her.