Saturday, October 30, 2010

Their Connection

I have to share a story of the relationship that Gavin has with his sister. Before I even got pregnant with Sienna I knew it was a girl. Last December I had dreams every night for a week of Gavin playing with his sister. In my dreams she was about the same age as Gavin and they were always playing in his room. She had blonde curly hair and was always smiling. Sometimes they were in the crib together and sometimes they were playing with toys. But I had these dreams constantly so I finally told Quin that we had to get pregnant cause I know there is someone up there and that it was a girl. Quin was a little hesitant cause it is a lot of responsibility to bring another child in this world but one Sunday we fasted and prayed about it and that Sunday Quin looked up insurances to put me on so we could get pregnant cause he felt the same way. Two months later I got pregnant. Before I found out the gender I was confident it was a girl and sure enough it was. My dreams had come true and Gavin will get to play with his little sister.
When I found out the issues she would had and that she would not make it to this earth I felt like my dreams were crashing and that they won't come true and Gavin won't get to play with his little sister. I had moments where I was mad that I had those dreams cause why would my dreams get my hopes ups and then not come true.
I had explained this story to Jennifer who had done my photography of Sienna while I was doing her hair. I told her of the pains I had about it. She first asked when I told her about my dreams about the age Sienna was. When I told her she was about the same age as Gavin she said that my dreams were happening here on this earth right now and that is Sienna's spirits age up in heaven and she will be that age until I join her in heaven and raise her. She asked if I have heard Gavin talking and playing alone in his room and I have. He always talks to his lamby and I honestly believe his lamby is his sister to him. He talks to her and holds her all the time.
Just a couple days ago when I woke up at 5:30 to go running I could hear him mumbling in his room and I thought that was really early for him to be up and talking. I went out running and came home while I was stretching I heard him talking again so I went and stood next to his door to hear what he was saying. He kept saying over and over again "Its okay lamby." He then told her that "mommy will turn off the light soon and you sit right here." I had the light on the hallway on so I turned it off and then it was silence. Gavin is being her little protector even though she is in heaven right now. I love the connection that they have and I hope that they have that connection the rest of their life.

Trying to Heal

This is not a good week for me but I hear that happens a lot and I will probably have bad days for the rest of my life. My due date is coming up in the next couple of weeks and that has been making me think about her a ton. Every time I see a baby or a pregnant women my heart just breaks because I wish I was them right now. I wish I had a beautiful healthy baby in my stomach or was holding one. I know someday I will get that again but for this week I just want to be sad and miss my girl. This past month has been one of the busiest months that I have had all year long which has been a good thing cause it has kept my mind off of things. I have some wonderful friends/neighbors who run with me every week which I love cause they help me get my mind off things and sweat out my stress. Every time I see a child a someone who has down syndrome I just smile at them cause I know that they were good friends with Sienna and they all hold a special place in my heart.
I have had some really good days where I am so happy that we have Sienna watching over our family. I never think twice about making a mistake or doing wrong cause I want to be so worthy for her. Her mission for me I feel is to keep her mommy worthy so I can raise her. I do have days where I forget to pray or read my scriptures but I am trying hard to not forget. I have met some amazing people and have made amazing friends through this trial which made me grateful for Sienna for making me closer to some people. I can't express the gratitude I have for my friends and family and even strangers who have reached out for me and my family. I have had days where I am hurting really bad inside and I have had some people send me a text or a message just saying they are thinking about me and hope all is going okay. It brings tears to my eyes knowing that people still care cause sometimes I feel like people think I have been doing great and so they ignore the situation but it makes me feel good that I have so many people still there for me.
So I have left over fabric from the bear that was made out of the blanket they wrapped her up in and I am wanting to make a patch blanket out of it. I need some help and some opinions on what I should do. If you look down a couple posts you can see the pink fabric that I am talking about. I have sewed once in my life that is when I was 12 so I don't remember how to do it. I want anyone's suggestions on what other fabric I should use to do the patch blanket with. I have seen blankets where they have patches of pictures on it too. I was thinking that may be an idea. I am just really dumb when it comes to crafty things and I don't know how to do it so I need anyone's help that knows how. I just want a blanket to cuddle and sleep with when I can't hold Sienna.
Thanks everyone for your sweet comments. Each and everyone mean so much to me and I am sorry I haven't had a chance to go and read some of your blogs and comment but I promise I will cause you all mean so much to me.
Here are some pictures that remind me of Sienna every day and make me appreciate her.

I see this everyday when I walk downstairs.

I had a friend from hair school that made this for me. It meant so much that she did this especially since I haven't seen her in 5 years. I put this on my kitchen counter and I love reading it everyday.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Loss of Infant Awareness Month

This month which most of you know is loss of Infant Awareness. Exactly a month after I had her which was a couple days ago. Me and a neighbor ran to her grave from my house which was about 3 miles round trip and was a little hard for me since I am still not in the best of shape but getting there. My sweet neighbor ran with flowers to put on her grave and we sat there for a while at her grave as I cried cause all the emotions were coming back. The run to her grave was hard but it seemed like the run back home was so much easier. My sweet angel was pushing me along. This past month all I have wanted to do is have another baby to feel in this emptiness but as I was running home I felt like I really wanted to do a full marathon in honor of Sienna. There is one next September so that will give me year to prepare and hopefully it won't take us long to get pregnant after that. I want to show Sienna that I can do this marathon and through this marathon I will show her the strength and trial I will overcome in this next year. My neighbor told me about a race next June that they run for loss of infants and she asked if she could run in honor of Sienna. That brought tears to my eyes and it made me want to do it too. So this next year I will focus on doing races and getting back in shape and it will be for her and for me since I want to loose this weight and feel like it isn't coming off fast enough but yes I know it takes time but it is hard when you don't have a baby so you feel you are fat for no reason.
Yesterday they did a walk for loss of infants at the Larkin Cemetery downtown. It was so beautiful and the speaker was Carolyn from Angel Watch who had helped me and Quin through this trial. She did an amazing job. I met some amazing mothers who have been through the same thing as me so it helped to talk to them about what we are feeling through all of this. After the speaker we walked around the Cemetery then got a balloon and wrote Sienna's name on it with a little message. They then played beautiful music and called the babies names. As her name was read we released her balloon. It was very emotional and made me sad to see so many balloons and knowing that so many families have gone through the same pain as us. They have done this walk for 15 years and this is something we will go back every year and do. Each week is getting a little easier for us.

Me and Quin got bracelets that say "In my heart Always" and it has little baby feet on it.

Walking as a family around the cemetery.

Me and Gav with our balloon for Sienna.

Waiting to release her balloon.

Right after we released her balloon. It is the biggest pink one.

Gavin with sisters lamby.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Sienna's Bear



The day before we had Sienna Angel Watch told us to go get some fabric that we can wrap Sienna in when we have her and then they will take the fabric and turn it into a bear. So we went and picked out fabric and this was our favorite. When the nurse took Sienna to give her a bath she came back with Sienna wrapped in this fabric, we also got pictures of Sienna wrapped in this blanket. Angel watch came after we were home from the hospital and talked to us about how we are doing and took the fabric to have a bear made out of it.
It turned out so great! This bear is so sacred to me and I probably won't let Gavin play with it cause I want it to stay clean and pure like Sienna is right now. We are going to set up a shelf in our basement with everything that is Sienna's like this bear, her molds, and a couple pictures of her cute hands and feet.
I have been doing better this past week and the break downs have slowed down and haven't been as bad. I still have my moments that I shed tears over her but with General Conference last week I have been able to find peace with the whole situation and it has been easier for me to get through. I still have moments that are hard where my heart just aches is when I see pregnant women or newborns. But life is slowly getting better and I am so grateful for her and the blessings that she has brought to my family this year.