Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Missing her bad!

This is my little Sienna's shrine. I have a shelf with stuff and then this is in a little bookcase but I love that things keep adding to it. That porcelain doll was given to my mom when I was a little girl cause someone said it looked just like me. My mom has had it on her dresser for years and she gave it to me the other day cause she said it now reminded her of Sienna. The doll has angel wings on the back and it is so perfect. It is almost as if heavenly father knew that I needed that doll so he prompted that lady to give it to my mom so that I would receive it someday. This is going to be a downer post but sorry I have had some pretty downer days and I need to let it out.
Well since the beginning of January I felt like I was doing so well. I was so happy I was loosing weight pretty fast, Quin got a new job and things were just going great! Then once Sienna's 6 month mark hit I felt like I have gone downhill. I have gone through all the emotions of being mad that heavenly father took her from me to crying and aching to hold her in my arms just one more time. I babysit my niece everyday and it use to be good therapy for me and now it has been hard cause rocking my niece in the rocking chair in my house makes me so upset that it isn't Sienna and watching my niece is making me want Sienna so bad. I tried to do a new challenge to help me loose weight and I had to throw the challenge out the window cause I couldn't function. Quin had school last night I just laid in bed all night while I let Gav watch cartoons cause I was so depressed. I don't know what has come over me! I don't know if I just haven't had people asking how I am doing anymore or if heavenly father is finally letting me get through this on my own. I have said several prayers to help me be happy again and I have had many people say "Well you are going to be getting pregnant soon so you shouldn't be sad anymore" and that just makes me mad cause no child is going to replace Sienna and yeah having another baby may help in the healing process but it isn't going to make me not want her. I still ache for her so bad and a part of me is mad cause I feel like heavenly father has tortured me with being pregnant with my sister in laws and then he takes my daughter away. I have such a strong testimony of this gospel and I do turn to my Savior for everything but there are times that I just don't understand why this had to happen to me.
I know that I could just be having one of those bad days/weeks but sometimes I just want all the answers right now I know I won't get them for a while. I am so happy that general conference is this weekend cause I am in much need of answers to my prayers. Sorry I am so down but I just had to let it out and hopefully I am not the only one that has felt this way. Hopefully I will have a happier post next time.:)

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

6 Months Gone

I can't believe it has been 6 months since I said goodbye to my sweet Sienna. It seems like years ago but at the same time it seems like just yesterday. I can't believe how far I have come and grown since I had her. I am now starting to accept it and enjoy the blessings that she has brought into our lives. I feel so blessed to have a daughter like her. This year has been so busy for us and I feel like that is a good thing cause I don't sit and cry everyday. I am surprisingly doing okay until I talked to my mom today and all she asked was how I was doing and I broke down. It is crazy how it can hit you so hard and you loose it.
I want to share an experience since this is my Sienna journal. My little sister went through the temple two weeks ago to receive her endowments and as soon as I stepped into the celestial room Sienna was standing right next to me. I have never felt her that close and it was such an overwhelming amazing feeling. I felt bad cause all my family was standing around talking and I was such an emotional wreck so Quin took me to a couch and we both sat down and held each other. There was a space next to me on the couch so I put my hand down and I felt her hand lay right on top of me. When it was time to go I just starting crying hard cause I didn't want to leave that room. I wanted to be that close to my Sienna. It was like as soon as I stepped out of that room she was gone. She sure is telling me that if I want to be with her I need to go to the temple more often.
Today I have had my ups and downs and I have had some amazing women come visit me. Two of them lost their babies just recently so they understood the pain I was going through today. I am so grateful for the women I have met and the strength that they have given me. I have kept pretty busy. Me and Gav went to the store and picked out flowers for her grave which was so much fun. We took them to her grave this after noon and stayed there for a while. As we are about to leave I tell Gav to say goodbye to Sienna and he runs over to her grave and gives the air a hug and a kiss almost as if she was standing right there. It was so cute and as we were walking to the car he kept saying "I love you Sienna!" I miss my sweet girl so much and I am looking forward to seeing her again!

Gav picked out the pinwheel flower and it was fun to watch him try and put it in the ground.

Such a proud big brother!

Sienna's new decor on her grave.