tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12674054519965334772024-03-19T21:00:37.441-07:00Our Sweet AngelOur piece of heaven on earthAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03153512789191377687noreply@blogger.comBlogger52125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1267405451996533477.post-15737541465012221702011-11-09T09:15:00.000-08:002011-11-09T09:48:33.172-08:00Sienna's Birthday Party<div>Sorry it has taken me forever to post about her birthday. We have been busy since and plus this will be my last post on this blog cause I am going to print this into a book and then write about her on my private family blog here on out. </div><div>Sienna's birthday was such a beautiful day. I was so emotional leading up to the day but on her birthday I felt very much at peace. I could feel her with me all day and could tell she was excited it was her day. </div><div>That night we had close friends and family at her grave and it was a whole lot different then what we had to do the previous year. It was more of a celebration then a heartache. Sienna has blessed so many lives this past year so we know she is where she is suppose to be. Me and Quin said a few words about Sienna then we let off balloons and sang happy birthday to her. </div><div>Thank you to all of those who have been there for our family. We still have hard times so we appreciate those that still check up on us and still ask about Sienna. It makes me happy that people to know that she exists and that it wasn't all a dream. If you aren't invited to my private blog and would like to continue to read about our family then e-mail me at teresafarmer13@msn.com and send me your e-mail address. </div><div>I am grateful for this trial that I have had to face. I love Sienna so much and am grateful for the blessing she is in my life. Time really does heal and I do feel a lot better then I did a year ago. I am looking forward to what the future has for us and am looking forward to the day that I will be reunited with Sienna. </div><div><br /></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3VzbLDBUADwH5QrYF4Rzk8cnLb20l5EUmpE3QmPTcbAhyLy0vXKmRrby2kv4m6WBBKQe2BVCejkqsI7Ew8wvEWA65aVWsC41VfuDySD8oMKtVbAGAO-y1HWD3c42zRq4ZLUbTPzqQ4CB6/s1600/IMG_0257.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3VzbLDBUADwH5QrYF4Rzk8cnLb20l5EUmpE3QmPTcbAhyLy0vXKmRrby2kv4m6WBBKQe2BVCejkqsI7Ew8wvEWA65aVWsC41VfuDySD8oMKtVbAGAO-y1HWD3c42zRq4ZLUbTPzqQ4CB6/s320/IMG_0257.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5673049502469442210" /></a><div style="text-align: center;">Letting off balloons</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRauudrYJGKKhA5rKqp_vAM2lFT6tgAmHOw190hWMY2pHFAZBqjrLEKNLoGDC5Cv0CAzsPds5dNXjWrSEuAky2Raw0JGors4zaNTmT4nII_gR9H5L3e09Wuy_18QnFUmDQ92OPQV_LqSGV/s1600/IMG_0162.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRauudrYJGKKhA5rKqp_vAM2lFT6tgAmHOw190hWMY2pHFAZBqjrLEKNLoGDC5Cv0CAzsPds5dNXjWrSEuAky2Raw0JGors4zaNTmT4nII_gR9H5L3e09Wuy_18QnFUmDQ92OPQV_LqSGV/s320/IMG_0162.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5673049496416404130" /></a><div style="text-align: center;">Her decorations</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLFRT7VHKmBvnYLNTgXeM-mAv319aG6kWqrVjd1zZti6kO_dPoRXLXd58GBDMzGUdlf2ygtIl4nJyqj4hlpO92_XlNTIKif8Qw9R6AZ_7X31T_Ie-aEEAJ4oT4qH6JmTWsq3xTW57QtXDp/s1600/IMG_0222.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 214px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLFRT7VHKmBvnYLNTgXeM-mAv319aG6kWqrVjd1zZti6kO_dPoRXLXd58GBDMzGUdlf2ygtIl4nJyqj4hlpO92_XlNTIKif8Qw9R6AZ_7X31T_Ie-aEEAJ4oT4qH6JmTWsq3xTW57QtXDp/s320/IMG_0222.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5673049485845417074" /></a><div style="text-align: center;">She needed a balloon too</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXIq-yLDJo2QCXYdTR7Ufg71DMMyiXdS_9uvFiSqRDjF0qjOBp1faJC_9_KRqoUBq-1767JcWwwPi1Y50sKY5FeB6XzcRGqHQFLlUPfhRR5Z75Ul3lzzEURrUipzOM-eoOebQN9isY2hHP/s1600/IMG_0311.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 214px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXIq-yLDJo2QCXYdTR7Ufg71DMMyiXdS_9uvFiSqRDjF0qjOBp1faJC_9_KRqoUBq-1767JcWwwPi1Y50sKY5FeB6XzcRGqHQFLlUPfhRR5Z75Ul3lzzEURrUipzOM-eoOebQN9isY2hHP/s320/IMG_0311.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5673048001523549186" /></a><div style="text-align: center;">Gavin blowing out the candle on her cake</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOzXJ7FxX5uPqkb5NflxWIS0CMcFaFtQ2hqppeUdYZOh8u1_8XuzU0yY-B_CgUUATyrAcr8qyf80AINHTMMUZzm_RlLxid_-E8v0LySke57PM-MCN7Eh7ywe5tb1juv5k2UpmX-Gl-Ue90/s1600/IMG_0050.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 213px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOzXJ7FxX5uPqkb5NflxWIS0CMcFaFtQ2hqppeUdYZOh8u1_8XuzU0yY-B_CgUUATyrAcr8qyf80AINHTMMUZzm_RlLxid_-E8v0LySke57PM-MCN7Eh7ywe5tb1juv5k2UpmX-Gl-Ue90/s320/IMG_0050.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5673047992556835154" /></a><div style="text-align: center;">Love this picture of Gav looking at her grave</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJKRwnGwKo_dnTUwxAaCl3AxLvBE9jx_m9AsDsyV3V1zH4ThWd12LEvviq3cxkpgkQZxl2cLU6rzrSf5WIs3kiwHynT1RD-FFzoUahnHWXIZzbzAY8v4ED1jLXcnowHKlHekTXEvmahH1X/s1600/IMG_0048.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 213px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJKRwnGwKo_dnTUwxAaCl3AxLvBE9jx_m9AsDsyV3V1zH4ThWd12LEvviq3cxkpgkQZxl2cLU6rzrSf5WIs3kiwHynT1RD-FFzoUahnHWXIZzbzAY8v4ED1jLXcnowHKlHekTXEvmahH1X/s320/IMG_0048.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5673047990251046658" /></a><div style="text-align: center;">My boys watching the balloons go up in the air</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgt-uV9WCtIS6uJliTrkKfCzv-SHtCdXnDL8l_ETwM4sz_sJLJDJHw6wX1pqZN_ZuIpd9j2Hn29p0VCD0qflQE4DtSrm7pkiHD90HQD8zLyj8CWwlVW8czUjDacBKyrB7HpXmPgnh0fy9VI/s1600/IMG_0051.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 213px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgt-uV9WCtIS6uJliTrkKfCzv-SHtCdXnDL8l_ETwM4sz_sJLJDJHw6wX1pqZN_ZuIpd9j2Hn29p0VCD0qflQE4DtSrm7pkiHD90HQD8zLyj8CWwlVW8czUjDacBKyrB7HpXmPgnh0fy9VI/s320/IMG_0051.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5673047559049113906" /></a><div style="text-align: center;">Great photo</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhL22AwoGae4cHGSfTE8ujAP1ME0BhVavYBgZMpr9rG-dmt_Jzkw204TtGcKPFcrNjaIX1AVPJA4vIJ0p23oIfPjjhX3rurVQyKxJbSNVFVah50IE6LUfZm67_HcWNk4xCujB_frbXjBqhp/s1600/IMG_0324.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhL22AwoGae4cHGSfTE8ujAP1ME0BhVavYBgZMpr9rG-dmt_Jzkw204TtGcKPFcrNjaIX1AVPJA4vIJ0p23oIfPjjhX3rurVQyKxJbSNVFVah50IE6LUfZm67_HcWNk4xCujB_frbXjBqhp/s320/IMG_0324.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5673047557673406274" /></a><div style="text-align: center;">My two nieces that are the same age as Sienna would be</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGw_fkWdSMckPd-bUmsbMli2iUvjt0pT0azeRVznGRwpNYGtN03mGCOjai_4wbuYk3oLa1p7ReHcy0Qk7WYg0Nfu6Djct1tZmsInimftW02MRBpdyk-mQFxflT1p8pnFjOhCNjUmf6gq1n/s1600/IMG_0338.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGw_fkWdSMckPd-bUmsbMli2iUvjt0pT0azeRVznGRwpNYGtN03mGCOjai_4wbuYk3oLa1p7ReHcy0Qk7WYg0Nfu6Djct1tZmsInimftW02MRBpdyk-mQFxflT1p8pnFjOhCNjUmf6gq1n/s320/IMG_0338.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5673047157763151218" /></a><div style="text-align: center;">My neighbor made this amazing cake and my two friends who also lost babies set this up for me on the night we got back from the grave. They said it was Sienna's present. It was so beautiful.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAKFZ_yjvchGdCeoL7oH9Whyphenhyphen26DVDpxb14ecDjivAGQHzFZGgUZxQJFA6mOxX_VLFdUtFjqluaIc_nnhNK1iN5QZ2y8tKtOoFMbc4_V00VFC2FrVodGqGbbl1NInVwl1gI_ixc-ElAU0ni/s1600/IMG_0342.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 214px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAKFZ_yjvchGdCeoL7oH9Whyphenhyphen26DVDpxb14ecDjivAGQHzFZGgUZxQJFA6mOxX_VLFdUtFjqluaIc_nnhNK1iN5QZ2y8tKtOoFMbc4_V00VFC2FrVodGqGbbl1NInVwl1gI_ixc-ElAU0ni/s320/IMG_0342.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5673047148555704498" /></a><div style="text-align: center;">It was so beautiful!</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03153512789191377687noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1267405451996533477.post-11060600194216077262011-09-15T11:37:00.000-07:002011-09-15T11:57:25.935-07:00Happy Birthday Sienna!Dear Sienna, <div>I can't believe it was a year ago that I last got to hold you in my arms and kiss your cute little face. My how time flies! I have definitely had a roller coaster of emotions this past year good and bad and yet I am grateful to be where I am at today in life! Even though you didn't make it to this earth I feel so blessed to have you. I feel like we have connected so much this past year and I know we have a special bond. I especially love that our birthdays are only 2 days apart because I felt you a huge part of my birthday. </div><div>I have felt you several times this year through our trials of your dad getting his appendix removed. I know you where right by his side when he went in for surgery. And I felt you a ton during my miscarriage. That was so hard for me but you brought me such peace and comfort and helped me to understand that some of my kids didn't need to make it to this earth. You watch over that special spirit for me and I look forward to seeing both of you. Please send me one soon though;) I long to hold a baby in my arms. </div><div>I have also felt your hand in guiding daddy to his new job and saving him from getting laid off this year and also helping us to our new home. I look forward to moving and I felt like we have been drawn to this place and look forward to seeing the reason why. </div><div>I have met many amazing people through loosing you that I have developed close relationships with. I look up to many of these people as they helped me through every step in this healing process and I know it isn't over until I get to see you again. </div><div>Sienna my love for the gospel has grown immensely this past year and if it wasn't for loosing you I wouldn't be as strong as I am today. I have the strongest desire to be good and never make mistakes. I listen to better music, I love to go to church, I love to attend the temple as often as I can, and I love searching the scriptures. I am happier when I follow the commandments and I know I wouldn't be like this if it wasn't for you. </div><div>Your sweet brother Gavin loves you so much. He got so excited this morning that it was your birthday and is excited to give you his present he picked out for you tonight. I can tell you have such a close bond and I feel like Gavin is an angel too. He has been the best kid I can ask for. Whenever I am crying over you he will bring me his froggy to help me feel better. I bet you are just like him!</div><div>Your dad is one amazing man which I am sure you already know. I am the luckiest woman to have him in my life. I feel like there is no one more perfect for me. He loves you so very much and I love when I hear him talking about you. You already have him wrapped around your finger. Just wait till we get to heaven and I am sure he would do anything for you too. </div><div>Sienna I know we have a long road ahead before we will be able to see you but I love that I feel your spirit often and I hope it will never go away. I am lucky and honored to have chosen you as my daughter and to have carried this trial because it has made me the woman I am today. Just know that we think of you often and are so thrilled to have you apart of our lives. Thanks for blessing us in more ways then you know. I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I am living, my baby you'll be!!!</div><div>Love,</div><div>Your Forever Mom</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03153512789191377687noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1267405451996533477.post-57818364668226906742011-08-10T20:29:00.000-07:002011-08-10T20:37:36.391-07:00Our Sunshine<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlDn6ZOe-BGbHTcRwRish9ZNfKpRIkrQfqnn3m80dDJJD3W7pn3EUPAjYqc06whAnkKuQCRJay_mKNdhDdzS3nlyH1OKbWUNnoK97T7yVtnwXSnvQhvJ1EaxCYm44-pDB298mpSH_zcHLo/s1600/IMG_20110719_175347.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlDn6ZOe-BGbHTcRwRish9ZNfKpRIkrQfqnn3m80dDJJD3W7pn3EUPAjYqc06whAnkKuQCRJay_mKNdhDdzS3nlyH1OKbWUNnoK97T7yVtnwXSnvQhvJ1EaxCYm44-pDB298mpSH_zcHLo/s320/IMG_20110719_175347.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5639435613547317138" /></a>A few weeks back as I was heading home from the gym and Gav asked if we could go see Sienna and of course I couldn't say no to that so we headed to her grave and sat and talked to her. It was so cute cause Gavin kept kissing the headstone like he was giving his sister a kiss and he would run around the cemetery and I know they were playing together. When we were about to leave Gav insisted on getting a picture with the grave and I kept telling him no cause we had so many of him with her headstone and he just kept insisting. All I had was my phone so I used my camera on there and took a picture. Some may think that bright light is a reflection from the sun but I took 3 others right after and that bright white light isn't in the picture. I got chills when I saw that picture and knew that that was Sienna wanting to be in the picture with Gavin. <div>Sienna has truly been my guardian angel and has helped me immensely in my life lately. She has guided me to make the right decisions and comforted me in hard times. She is truly my sunshine and I am grateful to have such a perfect little girl that I will be able to feel her spirit with me a lot. </div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03153512789191377687noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1267405451996533477.post-5508499771484502502011-08-04T15:45:00.000-07:002011-08-04T15:55:39.324-07:00My Miracle<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqoX3y8DYjY0w_w_8rxgxkgTFICFL3mEWEyEG22OU9AbZ5Ul3lypHAMaUL9BdfoKbQPSaUTS9vETkEYg6Oq9wTsP7Kp9l09V5Sx_9vhhOBm-sDDsAsZFXPQYkYCx2T1uF9OqlaDIEhxrEP/s1600/-1349.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 213px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqoX3y8DYjY0w_w_8rxgxkgTFICFL3mEWEyEG22OU9AbZ5Ul3lypHAMaUL9BdfoKbQPSaUTS9vETkEYg6Oq9wTsP7Kp9l09V5Sx_9vhhOBm-sDDsAsZFXPQYkYCx2T1uF9OqlaDIEhxrEP/s320/-1349.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5637137015530207042" /></a>So I saw this quote the other day when I was at the parade of homes and couldn't help but think of my sweet Sienna...<div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">"Such a BIG miracle in such a LITTLE girl!"</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">She is a miracle in more ways than I know right now and even though she isn't here on this earth with us I can feel her spirit with me all the time. That picture is of Quin's hand with Sienna wrapped around her finger and I know she is cause his appendix almost burst last week and you could tell she was with him through it all even his surgery. She has sure been watching over us and IS apart of this family. I am lucky to have her!</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03153512789191377687noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1267405451996533477.post-63566788699059579432011-08-01T19:36:00.001-07:002011-08-04T14:36:17.527-07:00Brownie<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; color: rgb(0, 0, 238); "><br /><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfB4uP5HTklEBrIO70woWgmn2sjmIhdpq3tWfESRYqFHLIZHfKmsLE2WKV6oD2mQQGLHMuNwZGTzSKNve0V4nrkOR8jUyBPl7mUtmQdum1Pxb46bZzMtH_xdnjARPVDtzRbpdnplPbf0zQ/s320/DSCN1994.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5636082354095031042" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px; " /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;">Before</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div><br /></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQd_NED2hSeovAIVW0sSQy8gPVmP0Z-CxHBeHsIxhvZdBpbU6SOdfF4BmpOLR2tKV4THl5LZ96jRdErKSumzD-H9E-Rq0LcqNHnd9rnWApGX4LKb9qgQRnR7KkTfN50AtmkWJKa7KsMnkB/s1600/DSCN2227.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQd_NED2hSeovAIVW0sSQy8gPVmP0Z-CxHBeHsIxhvZdBpbU6SOdfF4BmpOLR2tKV4THl5LZ96jRdErKSumzD-H9E-Rq0LcqNHnd9rnWApGX4LKb9qgQRnR7KkTfN50AtmkWJKa7KsMnkB/s320/DSCN2227.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5636082369394462770" /></a><div style="text-align: center;">After</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSqUhTS9HSbQNyfDMIMefbHUQnAS_RE-u5S6htUp3IIHSWdxIdhCJx2AaEw-uNK26vDNnb559RXS7O4iPZ4kI7nv50fdbpuJfznsu7J0OXfl5qgndhSuc9vroL-q4jbjBoNieu8CXXm1XJ/s1600/DSCN2226.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSqUhTS9HSbQNyfDMIMefbHUQnAS_RE-u5S6htUp3IIHSWdxIdhCJx2AaEw-uNK26vDNnb559RXS7O4iPZ4kI7nv50fdbpuJfznsu7J0OXfl5qgndhSuc9vroL-q4jbjBoNieu8CXXm1XJ/s320/DSCN2226.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5636082364754467586" /></a><div style="text-align: left;">Meet "Brownie"! She is my comfort blanket. The pink squares are the fabric we had left over from what Sienna was wrapped in and what we had left of the bear they made. I am glad they gave me back the scraps so I could make this blanket( with a ton and I mean a ton of help from my amazing mother!) If you are wondering why I call it Brownie. Well if most of you don't know Sienna means a reddish brownish color. I know that is sad that my daughter is named after a color but I am obsessed with chocolate and especially brownies and it is my comfort so I decided to name my blanket brownie. </div><div style="text-align: left;">I have it draped over a rocking chair in our spare room (hopefully it will be a babies room someday) And every night I read a book to Gavin in that rocking chair and he asks to be wrapped in the "Sienna blanket". </div><div style="text-align: left;">Sienna's 1 year in heaven is coming up in over a month and I have had a lot of break downs as I prepare myself for that day and that blanket has brought me comfort cause as I wrap myself in it it is almost as if she is wrapping her arms around me. </div><div style="text-align: left;">If any of you have any suggestions on what things I can do for her 1 year in heaven I would love to hear. I am planning on doing a balloon release and making her a little cake to put on her grave. But I want to do more but can't think of much right now. </div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03153512789191377687noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1267405451996533477.post-23291441224941880572011-06-05T20:53:00.000-07:002011-06-05T21:21:27.380-07:00Finding PeaceI am starting to find more peace and blessings through loosing Sienna. I have definitely felt her spirit with me a lot especially when I attend the temple. I know her mission isn't over and she is performing it here on this earth. She has blessed my life in many ways. I feel like I am doing okay through some of this but today was one of those days that I missed her so dearly. <div>I just woke up this morning and ached for her. And it ended up putting me in a bad mood this morning which I feel bad my family had to deal with that. But I felt that it would be okay cause church always makes me feel better. Well sitting in Sacrament today and listening to the testimonies one girl got up and talked about how she almost lost her son a week and a half ago due to be backed into with a car and she talked about how it was the most painful day of her life but yet she never felt that close to the Savior. Well that is when I lost it and all the emotions from the day she was taken from me flooded me as I was sitting there in church. I tried to pull myself together but the pain just overcame me yet I felt a peace to it. And as that girl was giving her testimony she was talking about how these trials have to happen for certain purposes and we may not know the reason or understand but there are miracles and blessings that come from that. As I was listening to that I was looking back on this past year and the things we have been blessed with through this trial. </div><div><ul><li>Me and Quin have grown closer and have cleaved unto each other through it. </li><li>I hold Gavin a little tighter and try to be a better mother</li><li>We have had an immense amount of love and support and prayers. </li><li>I have had great health and so has my family</li><li>Quin got blessed with a better job</li><li>I have made some amazing friends</li><li>My testimony has grown</li><li>I have a closer relationship with my heavenly father</li><li>I have not wanted to make a mistake and try harder to be better</li><li>I have a special angel in my house now</li><li>I can now help those that have trials cause I can understand</li></ul>And that is just a small amount of the blessings that we have received. And that is what I need to look at. But today I just missed her and I know that is normal and days like this will come and go but at the close of sacrament we sang a song called "More Holiness Give Me" and I will write the words for those who haven't heard it. As I was singing this song I was bawling cause I felt like that song was meant for me with what I have gone through...</div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">More holiness give me, More strivings within</div><div style="text-align: center;">More patience in suffering, More sorrow for sin, </div><div style="text-align: center;">More faith in my Savior, More sense of his care, </div><div style="text-align: center;">More joy in his service, More purpose in prayer.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">More gratitude give me, More trust in the Lord, </div><div style="text-align: center;">More pride in his glory, More hope in his word, </div><div style="text-align: center;">More tears for his sorrows, More pain at his grief, </div><div style="text-align: center;">More meekness in trial, More praise for relief.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">More purity give me, More strength to overcome,</div><div style="text-align: center;">More freedom from earth stains, More longing for home.</div><div style="text-align: center;">More fit for the kingdom, More used would I be, </div><div style="text-align: center;">More blessed and holy, More Savior like me.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">And as I sang that I felt like the last verse was sung through Sienna's eyes and it was like she was speaking to me and telling me she is pure now and away from the stains of this earth but yet she longs to be home with us she is more fit for heaven cause she can be used more there and that she is more blessed and holy like our Savior. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">And I finally started feeling more at peace. Relief Society today I felt was lead toward me cause it was about how we spend our time and we read a scripture that by doing the small and simple things that greater things will come about and I know that it really is that simple. If I spend time with my family, reading the scriptures, attending the temple, and on my knees praying then I know everything will fall into place. </div><div style="text-align: left;">I miss my sweet daughter but I am finally understanding her purpose in life now and I am HONORED to be her mother. I sometimes feel unworthy to have a perfect child that was too perfect for this earth but at the same time I feel blessed cause of what she has done for me and helping me to be the woman I am today. </div><div style="text-align: left;">I love you Sienna!!!</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03153512789191377687noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1267405451996533477.post-89479147747833938942011-06-05T20:44:00.001-07:002011-06-05T20:53:23.029-07:00Memorial Day<div>I was telling Quin on Memorial Day that although it is hard and sad, I love that I have a place to go on Memorial Day and I love that it is 2 minutes from our house. We went and bought her some cute pink flowers and we each put one on her grave. It was so beautiful for there and the flags made it feel so special. I definitely feel the spirit when I am there and it makes me enjoy being there more. I also love how excited Gavin gets to go. I honestly believe he has a great relationship with his little sister already and I love seeing the big brother come out of him. It was a beautiful day to be there and I look forward to going every year. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj8vfFbfAktQGVdIkWwYba3YKmtaElTTQTnU0DbVcuZllC47L3o7nJgVo5rv3bh_fAQ9UrBY9WyRh1Mr0GTxoL8Z3pjpEj6C0n4MlU1imFlZQ5g_pyvr71E9U-SYQ8eT30wzpCwhbWnMJ1/s1600/DSCN2138.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj8vfFbfAktQGVdIkWwYba3YKmtaElTTQTnU0DbVcuZllC47L3o7nJgVo5rv3bh_fAQ9UrBY9WyRh1Mr0GTxoL8Z3pjpEj6C0n4MlU1imFlZQ5g_pyvr71E9U-SYQ8eT30wzpCwhbWnMJ1/s320/DSCN2138.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5614948080168348130" /></a><div style="text-align: center;">Gavin with his little sister. Can't you just see the love he has for her through those eyes?!</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhwKyHu-L-kPUnARa3tovhErs5H22u-YxwS6b59TlsALj0-Y0G2AfyabjB6jMgwdZA8b_jPQAyDKorkVfWbWHl-LTfjyockivfpvfjqDVS12E0FQ_mb6QkAHSJj3f6a-ec8Eymu05AiGa9/s1600/DSCN2140.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhwKyHu-L-kPUnARa3tovhErs5H22u-YxwS6b59TlsALj0-Y0G2AfyabjB6jMgwdZA8b_jPQAyDKorkVfWbWHl-LTfjyockivfpvfjqDVS12E0FQ_mb6QkAHSJj3f6a-ec8Eymu05AiGa9/s320/DSCN2140.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5614948071491378242" /></a><div style="text-align: center;">Family photo</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlWrMGF7hMaJ2oT06Xvv9IpVephXpZF2jobCLURZdVGgZb9y01JWLCraqJr-3P_bHi1RnNN_FtrCmdCiTiAZYhOXiaqsoFwFXa0cxoPdUMAj33u7nltm1_BjLE9L5q0IsAY-j-__FAt0CR/s1600/DSCN2141.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlWrMGF7hMaJ2oT06Xvv9IpVephXpZF2jobCLURZdVGgZb9y01JWLCraqJr-3P_bHi1RnNN_FtrCmdCiTiAZYhOXiaqsoFwFXa0cxoPdUMAj33u7nltm1_BjLE9L5q0IsAY-j-__FAt0CR/s320/DSCN2141.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5614948066871496690" /></a><div style="text-align: center;">All her decorations. There was a pot of orchids on her headstone that I have no clue who put them there but I went there this afternoon and they were gone so it makes me wonder if someone put them on the wrong headstone.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg28RBfP_KeY58-9UOD9cuCPrNFJ51KzB7JEcjH5cyFpeePczT02L1PPrc6EPgyHRwc8xDPPh80IEFYTB53b0SGj4a2JH0UCExHWvi4lxGS-mbXumj665_c6J4HIG4obBTMazhIV1gLROI5/s1600/DSCN2142.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg28RBfP_KeY58-9UOD9cuCPrNFJ51KzB7JEcjH5cyFpeePczT02L1PPrc6EPgyHRwc8xDPPh80IEFYTB53b0SGj4a2JH0UCExHWvi4lxGS-mbXumj665_c6J4HIG4obBTMazhIV1gLROI5/s320/DSCN2142.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5614948059186298274" /></a><div style="text-align: center;">The cemetery looked beautiful with all the flags and flowers.</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03153512789191377687noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1267405451996533477.post-84959683672960663122011-05-26T08:03:00.000-07:002011-05-26T08:12:13.776-07:00Running with my Angel<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfkROeP01rBari5QZNrwP5wdkKdt65wLVt4bwTbPkhQWRiLTCK5MlRHZwAeYzTzPO3wtxXi6JPhwb-O88qlwSy8GYEOIE7KljJuqh98sgSkt5xA04tE8tSOTQltdmT65bMwSFC0DLTXpjR/s1600/DSCN2128.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfkROeP01rBari5QZNrwP5wdkKdt65wLVt4bwTbPkhQWRiLTCK5MlRHZwAeYzTzPO3wtxXi6JPhwb-O88qlwSy8GYEOIE7KljJuqh98sgSkt5xA04tE8tSOTQltdmT65bMwSFC0DLTXpjR/s320/DSCN2128.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5611042391165273922" /></a><div style="text-align: center;">Our fam. We made shirts that said Team Sienna and on mine it said Mommy Loves You! Quin's said Daddy Loves You! and Gavin's said Big Brother Loves You! We also had a picture of her cute feet on there.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFMajTdAAbOGNzd1C-ajwG_cRQXw_S9HiZdfncIiB7NUmVfen4Xj7B9JZTHfcq1PifsYWc8X7X0I0W3a2HEL2TjCDhusJ_lntc8AtjOrgYfPtKnKb7YxeF4_Qp8Y7szTwsXwFJEBbmKFGV/s1600/DSCN2127.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFMajTdAAbOGNzd1C-ajwG_cRQXw_S9HiZdfncIiB7NUmVfen4Xj7B9JZTHfcq1PifsYWc8X7X0I0W3a2HEL2TjCDhusJ_lntc8AtjOrgYfPtKnKb7YxeF4_Qp8Y7szTwsXwFJEBbmKFGV/s320/DSCN2127.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5611042387955803682" /></a><div style="text-align: center;">My mother in law and Quin's aunt who ran with us. They were such great support!</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>Last Saturday there was a 5k called Running with Angels and the proceeds went to Angel Watch and they are a group that helped me and Quin prepare for Sienna to come. They helped with the funeral and even gave us some counseling in time of need. They are an amazing group! The race took place at the Thanksgiving Gardens. It was so beautiful. I have never been there and I loved it. I wasn't planning on getting a good time for the race so I just did a nice jog the whole time and Quin was awesome to keep up with me. Right before the finish line we picked up Gavin and my mom gave us some balloons that we ran across the finish line with and then let the balloons go. It was such a beautiful race and we finished in 32 minutes. I had about 20 people supporting us and joined us for the race. I did a team called Team Sienna and we had a lot of people there. It was definitely a spiritual race and pretty emotional. I could feel Sienna with me there and I loved it. I only got 2 pictures of the race cause my dad took all the pictures so I will have to get more from him.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03153512789191377687noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1267405451996533477.post-90493466452208069622011-05-10T09:32:00.001-07:002011-05-10T09:45:02.727-07:00Sienna's Headstone<div>Sienna's headstone got laid last Thursday just before Mothers Day which was perfect. My brother in law works for a granite company so he provided the granite slab and him and my sister paid for it. They even picked out what it would like like on front so it would be a surprise and I absolutely love it. It is so perfect! I love that they put the lamb on it and the picture of her feet is the exact replica of her cute little feet. If you look closely it even has a ring that she had in her picture. I have already gone and seen it 3 times since it was put it. I love it so much and it is so nice that her grave is finally complete. Mothers day was a little hard but I felt her spirit with me so much that I was able to make it through the day without breaking down. Time is definitely healing me cause I have noticed that I am starting to do better then I was a month ago. </div><div><br /></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFTzTwnpbjrGg5-fh7s1zq50fwuP44unRcno3uSiz72NheMYA2Rejo1KZWP7_oI_5iun0qgzQ_vJaBP-XaD21e25BlE4fwTve8G_7W5VXhf7cwNx8crtdcjvSqy_p7cxWl_2zuk_IerpwV/s1600/DSCN2105.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFTzTwnpbjrGg5-fh7s1zq50fwuP44unRcno3uSiz72NheMYA2Rejo1KZWP7_oI_5iun0qgzQ_vJaBP-XaD21e25BlE4fwTve8G_7W5VXhf7cwNx8crtdcjvSqy_p7cxWl_2zuk_IerpwV/s320/DSCN2105.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5605126925680902866" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4H_PUrL-1YBoRN6e1WlUEi-QBfQ4N-BRelf_uv7Ai8uz3gGyGpTjz_yiBy7VHvYH0nYEHYStpdLNNQiRPkGRQhWOlP5brI0eAb2aZVaVl2oWMpqwauS82Kh1_D_qdjIHpKHDZ8jaEdCwV/s1600/DSCN2118.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4H_PUrL-1YBoRN6e1WlUEi-QBfQ4N-BRelf_uv7Ai8uz3gGyGpTjz_yiBy7VHvYH0nYEHYStpdLNNQiRPkGRQhWOlP5brI0eAb2aZVaVl2oWMpqwauS82Kh1_D_qdjIHpKHDZ8jaEdCwV/s320/DSCN2118.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5605126916601096834" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEga1t6eQ7x44l1411orALV2E7Pmr_hQfgiuDCWQYEo0hcZUQV9jWnkO_Uy6vwfU4Fp_0Qezz63fGW7cBt4o3KNcjNXQnAGnvihi0zJpEhSUT_Qhnd5EV5msjVKY862Igx3AruOV58rcJIra/s1600/DSCN2123.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEga1t6eQ7x44l1411orALV2E7Pmr_hQfgiuDCWQYEo0hcZUQV9jWnkO_Uy6vwfU4Fp_0Qezz63fGW7cBt4o3KNcjNXQnAGnvihi0zJpEhSUT_Qhnd5EV5msjVKY862Igx3AruOV58rcJIra/s320/DSCN2123.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5605126906293864290" /></a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03153512789191377687noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1267405451996533477.post-28620272645614876982011-04-13T10:41:00.000-07:002011-04-13T10:53:51.054-07:00My healing project<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPrFm1C1S-TTVpbaehz99xkLAt8PYW6dxCUWPqOtpqHfBm8YNswZ4md-t7dHK7SmWS6d4GFUpQwoHOeIubYkVyql6zSPc-Z3DNIA4GUlCRwfCQi5M9cOZ5i_89evukKTbDlgfQNEI04m-A/s1600/DSCN1995.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPrFm1C1S-TTVpbaehz99xkLAt8PYW6dxCUWPqOtpqHfBm8YNswZ4md-t7dHK7SmWS6d4GFUpQwoHOeIubYkVyql6zSPc-Z3DNIA4GUlCRwfCQi5M9cOZ5i_89evukKTbDlgfQNEI04m-A/s320/DSCN1995.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5595124737972172946" /></a>So for forever I have been wanting to make a patch blanket out of the left over material that Sienna was wrapped in and I finally bought the material to make the blanket. The pink material is what is the left over stuff and the patch material will be the front of the blanket and the back of the blanket I will do a pattern with the white and pink material. I am very excited about this. I have never sewn a blanket but I have an amazing patient mom who will teach me. I will post pictures when I am done. Hopefully I will finish it in the next couple of weeks. <div>I have been struggling on and off for the past month and a half but I am trying to do projects to keep myself busy. I think I have too many projects that I have wanted to do that it is becoming overwhelming but I am starting one at a time. I have a memory box that I just bought to put all of Sienna's stuff in it and I want to decorate it a little more. But I am not babysitting my niece anymore which I think will help me heal a little bit cause it was hard watching her cause she reminded me of Sienna so much. Conference also helped me to an extent but I know it won't heal me overnight. There were some great talks that gave me peace and comfort though. </div><div>I am just taking it a day at a time now. And learning to love my new normal. Loosing Sienna has changed me forever and it is hard cause I am not the spunky happy person all the time and I have lost some friends cause they just don't know what to say around me anymore which is sad but I have also gained some amazing friends who have helped me along the way. This is who I am now. I am a mother who has lost a child and I will never be the same and I am grateful for those who have accepted me for who I am now. I am trying to find ways to pay it forward in honor of Sienna so that is another project I am searching for. I am looking forward to having a rainbow baby and can't wait to find out when I am pregnant. But for now I will take baby steps to healing. </div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03153512789191377687noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1267405451996533477.post-7222286656432119362011-04-01T14:15:00.001-07:002011-04-01T14:18:55.362-07:00A Pair of Shoes<span class="Apple-style-span" style=" color: rgb(128, 128, 128); line-height: 16px; font-family:'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;font-size:11px;"><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; ">I am wearing a pair of shoes.</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; ">They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes.</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; ">I hate my shoes.</p><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; line-height: 16px; font-size:11px;"><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; "> </p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; ">Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; ">Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; ">I can take another step.</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; ">Yet, I continue to wear them.</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; "> </p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; ">I get funny looks wearing these shoes, they are looks of sympathy.</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; ">I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; ">They never talk about my shoes.</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; "> </p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; ">To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; ">To truly understand these Shoes you must walk in them.</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; ">But, once you put them on you can never take them off.</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; "> </p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; ">I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; ">There are many pairs in this world.</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; ">Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; ">Some have learned how to walk in them do they don't hurt quite as much.</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; ">some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; "> </p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; ">No Woman deserves to wear these shoes.</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; ">Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; ">These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; ">They have made me who I am.</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; "> </p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; ">I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.</p></span></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03153512789191377687noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1267405451996533477.post-11584846910091661622011-03-29T15:31:00.001-07:002011-03-29T15:48:49.860-07:00Missing her bad!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCMFNR_ty6hLl54SbjUPqNTX5V5jroUNhJj0usiKkFo3TNstRCRk7ROhjnLRE2EJIoAtxE_KdL3wqDfi_-bvrj5ZNBolxpf6onkCnXSGmwt5aqQxxsw1DC4nR3PGhF6hwj9FPfuwwRregL/s1600/100_0139.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCMFNR_ty6hLl54SbjUPqNTX5V5jroUNhJj0usiKkFo3TNstRCRk7ROhjnLRE2EJIoAtxE_KdL3wqDfi_-bvrj5ZNBolxpf6onkCnXSGmwt5aqQxxsw1DC4nR3PGhF6hwj9FPfuwwRregL/s320/100_0139.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5589633283461668690" /></a>This is my little Sienna's shrine. I have a shelf with stuff and then this is in a little bookcase but I love that things keep adding to it. That porcelain doll was given to my mom when I was a little girl cause someone said it looked just like me. My mom has had it on her dresser for years and she gave it to me the other day cause she said it now reminded her of Sienna. The doll has angel wings on the back and it is so perfect. It is almost as if heavenly father knew that I needed that doll so he prompted that lady to give it to my mom so that I would receive it someday. This is going to be a downer post but sorry I have had some pretty downer days and I need to let it out.<div>Well since the beginning of January I felt like I was doing so well. I was so happy I was loosing weight pretty fast, Quin got a new job and things were just going great! Then once Sienna's 6 month mark hit I felt like I have gone downhill. I have gone through all the emotions of being mad that heavenly father took her from me to crying and aching to hold her in my arms just one more time. I babysit my niece everyday and it use to be good therapy for me and now it has been hard cause rocking my niece in the rocking chair in my house makes me so upset that it isn't Sienna and watching my niece is making me want Sienna so bad. I tried to do a new challenge to help me loose weight and I had to throw the challenge out the window cause I couldn't function. Quin had school last night I just laid in bed all night while I let Gav watch cartoons cause I was so depressed. I don't know what has come over me! I don't know if I just haven't had people asking how I am doing anymore or if heavenly father is finally letting me get through this on my own. I have said several prayers to help me be happy again and I have had many people say "Well you are going to be getting pregnant soon so you shouldn't be sad anymore" and that just makes me mad cause no child is going to replace Sienna and yeah having another baby may help in the healing process but it isn't going to make me not want her. I still ache for her so bad and a part of me is mad cause I feel like heavenly father has tortured me with being pregnant with my sister in laws and then he takes my daughter away. I have such a strong testimony of this gospel and I do turn to my Savior for everything but there are times that I just don't understand why this had to happen to me. </div><div>I know that I could just be having one of those bad days/weeks but sometimes I just want all the answers right now I know I won't get them for a while. I am so happy that general conference is this weekend cause I am in much need of answers to my prayers. Sorry I am so down but I just had to let it out and hopefully I am not the only one that has felt this way. Hopefully I will have a happier post next time.:)</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03153512789191377687noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1267405451996533477.post-80465335026541539202011-03-15T17:05:00.000-07:002011-03-15T17:22:04.741-07:006 Months Gone<div style="text-align: left;">I can't believe it has been 6 months since I said goodbye to my sweet Sienna. It seems like years ago but at the same time it seems like just yesterday. I can't believe how far I have come and grown since I had her. I am now starting to accept it and enjoy the blessings that she has brought into our lives. I feel so blessed to have a daughter like her. This year has been so busy for us and I feel like that is a good thing cause I don't sit and cry everyday. I am surprisingly doing okay until I talked to my mom today and all she asked was how I was doing and I broke down. It is crazy how it can hit you so hard and you loose it.</div><div>I want to share an experience since this is my Sienna journal. My little sister went through the temple two weeks ago to receive her endowments and as soon as I stepped into the celestial room Sienna was standing right next to me. I have never felt her that close and it was such an overwhelming amazing feeling. I felt bad cause all my family was standing around talking and I was such an emotional wreck so Quin took me to a couch and we both sat down and held each other. There was a space next to me on the couch so I put my hand down and I felt her hand lay right on top of me. When it was time to go I just starting crying hard cause I didn't want to leave that room. I wanted to be that close to my Sienna. It was like as soon as I stepped out of that room she was gone. She sure is telling me that if I want to be with her I need to go to the temple more often. </div><div>Today I have had my ups and downs and I have had some amazing women come visit me. Two of them lost their babies just recently so they understood the pain I was going through today. I am so grateful for the women I have met and the strength that they have given me. I have kept pretty busy. Me and Gav went to the store and picked out flowers for her grave which was so much fun. We took them to her grave this after noon and stayed there for a while. As we are about to leave I tell Gav to say goodbye to Sienna and he runs over to her grave and gives the air a hug and a kiss almost as if she was standing right there. It was so cute and as we were walking to the car he kept saying "I love you Sienna!" I miss my sweet girl so much and I am looking forward to seeing her again!</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238); -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjz9N3BBV66mmkInLnTJ42U2l4zdt4Yx1leVrCccdH5NLFP_QLve5WionaWwfwIoiBNRk0ffVlpcNWXW47A0pIhYDHNhj_sisGiHQLB48WKaPZuGIVwMqBTTPUA685h75zBniZNI-Rj-gnm/s320/DSCN1967.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5584465189487937042" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px; " /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;">Gav picked out the pinwheel flower and it was fun to watch him try and put it in the ground.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#0000EE;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238); -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238); -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaNsW2mAcG_5JPAw1ZcZjakGeL-qN_OkDtlD3FdKhM_GfHBbIp9RWjy7C6JTpn0qvdrr79zqEmmGv4AvZovj43Pb2q1CzQTe0Ie6td5g_4lGH2Fh8DJO2DTrvqMO3r09aTPW531GSxA7YO/s320/DSCN1968.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5584465181793721490" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px; " /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;">Such a proud big brother!</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238); -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpDYEjOXWo2SVZGCdj3c7MJtMPGhUYJWVFJwkR_l2ex_kqOjRaugrI3XLTJr2FjarHgKyi-Lpghy7vFRY-rJ4T5s6KYeiRdthAUUbozCmdRSMz0tEhBJxnbf5ryvsxezPc4GqCRQJ3lvTe/s320/DSCN1969.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5584465173620158002" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px; " /></span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; ">Sienna's new decor on her grave.</span></span></span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03153512789191377687noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1267405451996533477.post-12705967538142300482011-02-07T22:27:00.000-08:002011-02-07T22:41:10.078-08:00Wished You Were HereDearest Sienna,<div>We sure did miss you yesterday but for some reason we felt your spirit with us. It was hard as we sat at your cousins baby blessing and wished we were the ones giving you a blessing. It was hard as your daddy turned to me and said "Things like this are hard aren't they?" as his eyes started welling up with tears. That was the first time I had seen him cry since your funeral so I could tell that he was really missing you too. Stuff like that makes me wonder what life would have been like if you were here with us and it just isn't fair sometimes that we don't have you. Your big brother still points at everything pink and says its your favorite color. So I hope pink is your favorite color cause you will have one disappointed big brother;) He looks up to you and I hope you still come see him every now and then. It is hard cause some days I feel like last year never happened and everything is a blur that I have to go look at the pictures of you and know that you exist and that you are my daughter. I have been a horrible mother and haven't visited your grave especially since you are only a couple of minutes from us. Please forgive me sweetheart your mommy is struggling. I have brought a swing upstairs from when I watched your cousin and it is hard every time I pass the room that was suppose to be yours and I can picture you in that swing. I try and keep that door closed cause it hurts sometimes knowing that you were suppose to be here in that room. I know I can be strong but for today I miss you and I wish you were here. </div><div>Love, </div><div>Your forever Mommy</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03153512789191377687noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1267405451996533477.post-52943267100096173492011-01-31T11:12:00.000-08:002011-01-31T11:18:53.911-08:00Hallelujah!!!!I have never been more excited over anyone getting a job then my husband this last friday. He has been going through an interview process for the past month and around 60 people applied and it was down to two people and Friday was his last interview and HE GOT THE JOB!!!! I started crying I was so excited that FINALLY something good was happening to us! Our life is finally starting to look up. Quin has had a long 4 years in his past job which he got awesome experience which helped him out in getting this job. Everything about his new job is amazing and must I add he will finally have BENEFITS which means we will be able to add another special spirit to our family which I can't not wait for! I know it will still be a few months down the road before I get pregnant but at least I can see that it will be happening soon. I will forever miss our sweet Sienna but I have to add she has given us so many blessings and I know this job is one of them. I am missing her a lot today and it has been a while since I have gone and seen her. I am waiting for this weather to get warmer. I also want to go get her something for her grave. She deserves a present for all she has done for us and we just need to go thank her for helping us be happy again. I love you sweet girl!!! Thanks for everything!!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03153512789191377687noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1267405451996533477.post-43001856485179038952011-01-12T15:36:00.000-08:002011-01-12T15:50:27.900-08:00I love dreams!I think I read into dreams so much but honestly I feel like it is a way that my heavenly father speaks to me. My grandma visited me in a dream and I just feel like dreams are ways I get many answers to my prayers. Well I had a dream last night that I just have to share so I don't forget it but after I had Sienna I wished so badly that I was able to have some time with her before she passed away. I wished I was able to see the life in her instead of her limp body. That was so hard for me. It was hard for me to read mothers stories that got that and I wished so badly that I could have that. Well I know this sounds weird but last night I dreamt about my delivery and this time she had life in her. I had a dream that I delivered her and she was still alive. The doctor said it was a matter of hours before she passed away and I just remember in my dream her looking up at me and seeing that bond that we had and changing her first/last diaper and just holding her in my arms with her moving. I wanted to cry with excitement when I woke up because in my dreams I was able to hold my baby girl and see her stare back at me. I think heavenly father knew that I wanted that so bad so he made it come true in my dreams. I feel like I got a little bit more closure even after I woke up and yet it made me so baby hungry to hold my own baby in my arms again and see those precious eyes staring back at me. I know I have my son but I try to hold him and cuddle him but can you imagine an almost 3 year old cuddling like that. There is no way except for when he is sleeping. But it just made me so happy that I got to have the bond with my angel in my dreams. I love you sweet girl!!!<br />I also wanted to share that last weekend as I went on a trip with my husband which was muchly needed I thought to myself as we were driving I am finally starting to feel truly happy again since I have had Sienna. I actually smiled for real instead of forcing it out of me. I actually felt like I will be okay that I can make it and I am seeing the end of this depression and the beginning of my happiness again. I am not going to lie I know I will still have days that I just want to lock myself in my room and cry but I am actually seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Things are starting to move along with Quin's job searching and it is bringing so much more hope to when we can have another beautiful baby.<br />I am starting to love life again and each day is getting better!:)Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03153512789191377687noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1267405451996533477.post-48582656736630384172011-01-03T20:12:00.001-08:002011-01-03T20:26:45.929-08:00A better year?Will I get a better year this year? I hope so! Wow last year was pretty much the hardest year I have ever had. I have read some women's blogs about accepting the fact that their baby died. Lets just say I am not to that point yet. It is still so hard for me and hopefully someday I will say that I can accept it but for now I am still in the healing process. <div>As I look back on last year it seemed to have flown by but at the same time I feel like I was in limbo most of the year and my life was stuck waiting. I have looked back on the many blessings we received last year and am so grateful for everything that we were given. I have also had times as I look back and wish I could fast forward time and wish that we never got the news that Sienna wouldn't make it and that we would have had a healthy baby girl. </div><div>I don't know if any of you have seen the movie Tangled but it was a great movie but at the same time extremely hard for me to see. In the movie and I hope I don't give it away but they let off glowing lanterns on the princess's birthday every year and the worst was Gavin said " Look its like Sienna!" during the movie and I just lost it. I was a wreck during the whole movie and tried to hold in my tears but couldn't. The movie reminded me of her so much and letting of the balloons at her grave and we talked about making it a tradition to let off balloons on her birthday every year. Anyways I was a wreck the rest of the new year cause we went back to my in laws and all the boys were playing video games while the girls were taking care of their brand new babies. That was the last straw. I couldn't be there anymore. It was like someone had ripped my heart out as I was sitting there watching this happen. I had to leave the room immediately cause I couldn't hold the tears back any longer! Quin being the most amazing husband ever followed me and asked what was wrong. I told him it wasn't fair that I had to sit there and feel left out that I didn't have a baby and that the guys were having a great time playing games. He completely understood and took me home and spent the rest of the night with me watching a movie and cuddling. Seriously I couldn't ask for a more amazing husband!!! I am sitting here crying because of how blessed I am to have him. </div><div>Anyways I am hoping for a better year and hoping he will get a great job with benefits so that I can get pregnant again. I started an 8 week program that will keep my occupied until then. I am excited for this year and for what it has to hold. I know it can't be worst then last year at least lets hope and pray it won't be:)!</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03153512789191377687noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1267405451996533477.post-25414115638914077242010-12-24T21:38:00.000-08:002010-12-24T21:43:59.150-08:00Merry Christmas Sienna!<div>We went to see Sienna on the 23rd seeing that we are so busy the rest of this weekend. My mother and father in law came and brought pink flowers for her grave. They are so cute and I love that they are pink. I have surprisingly been doing okay today. I have had moments where my eyes would tear up but I think Sienna has been with me today to help me through this weekend. I can definitely feel her around and she is helping me to get through the holidays. I love you sweet girl!!! You are our true Angel!!</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIorGysfd80krS93VV28Up-6SD9pmCnZDTgeWA4yDzU4n4gAzOZ0Yu4LmmGboKZVmDOX9Efk3f1hOpDYkegfGQ06jpZ8LKjBMt8EU_u_7MTF3meXGn2X9xynC96N86ihyyRgrfTblB8bU6/s1600/100_0091.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIorGysfd80krS93VV28Up-6SD9pmCnZDTgeWA4yDzU4n4gAzOZ0Yu4LmmGboKZVmDOX9Efk3f1hOpDYkegfGQ06jpZ8LKjBMt8EU_u_7MTF3meXGn2X9xynC96N86ihyyRgrfTblB8bU6/s320/100_0091.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5554490226156789474" /></a><div style="text-align: center;">Her grave with the cute pink flowers on it!</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5mc5k0CB6UQQWAcIbh_wSrWbItR4T-08wPYjIm5nuxoHHsm2pb_Lxu7XPkBrqAYQFBcw75fhMcfEUPO3RJOxzlkeMO4EppyrjMtQiLuJyyNM0ODzqp6j2K2W7e41P_sSum4lZebALxIAt/s1600/100_0092.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5mc5k0CB6UQQWAcIbh_wSrWbItR4T-08wPYjIm5nuxoHHsm2pb_Lxu7XPkBrqAYQFBcw75fhMcfEUPO3RJOxzlkeMO4EppyrjMtQiLuJyyNM0ODzqp6j2K2W7e41P_sSum4lZebALxIAt/s320/100_0092.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5554490221935508834" /></a><div style="text-align: center;">Mommy and Daddy loves you Sienna! You will definitely be in our hearts this weekend!</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03153512789191377687noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1267405451996533477.post-5859019927375498852010-12-23T08:40:00.000-08:002010-12-23T08:47:53.511-08:00It's Not Fair!I just got a text from my mother in law this morning saying that my sister in law is in the hospital in labor right now. As much as I want to be happy for her I just want to scream at the top of my lungs "ITS NOT FAIR!" Why do I have to be tortured like this. Why did Sienna have to pass away when I should have her in my arms right now while preparing for Christmas. She is suppose to grow up with my two nieces happy and healthy. I am happy for my sister in laws and their beautiful babies but why did I have to go through this the same time they were having theirs. It seriously is killing me. I want to go get something to put on her grave tomorrow but I don't know what and I am nervous to go out in this crazy busy day. Anyways thanks for letting me vent.Ha Ha. I can do this. I am strong. I have to keep telling myself that:) Anyways Merry Christmas everyone! I promise I will try to be more positive but for today I am sad and missing Sienna like crazy!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03153512789191377687noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1267405451996533477.post-28883316390037562532010-12-15T11:28:00.001-08:002010-12-15T11:38:34.091-08:003 Months<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOOiZd3ctpp20H_3zN25yXgxXht7mSv0qWuIcbtiuvYMyehsdELc3NmEFhNrVoXhWFd4TBHHOAidKyEWlSGzIzIozmgM2F5NdjejBJpohB9TiCuYU4UwcmmGLuuwskLPt0ANr-vWY7iz4b/s1600/100_0086.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOOiZd3ctpp20H_3zN25yXgxXht7mSv0qWuIcbtiuvYMyehsdELc3NmEFhNrVoXhWFd4TBHHOAidKyEWlSGzIzIozmgM2F5NdjejBJpohB9TiCuYU4UwcmmGLuuwskLPt0ANr-vWY7iz4b/s320/100_0086.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5550993202685028114" /></a>Wow I can't believe it was 3 months ago today that I delivered Sienna. Today has been a little rough for me but I am trying to make it through. This ornament was given to me by my visiting teachers yesterday and I think it is so beautiful. It says "Every life leaves something beautiful behind" I love the saying! Our little family has a tradition of getting each other an ornament that represents what we went through that year. I got a willow tree angel with a heart and I didn't get Sienna one yet so this is a perfect ornament for her. She sure has left many beautiful things behind! And we have received many blessings because of her. She sure is watching over our family. I am dreading Christmas Day cause I know it will be hard without her especially with seeing my family and their brand new babies but I am trying to prepare myself for that day. I want to think of something I can do in honor of her that day. One BLM mother had mentioned to carry around a stuffed animal that day so it is like carrying my daughter around. I may carry her bear that was made out of the fabric she was held in. That bear is so precious to me and I don't want to get it dirty but it may help to have it with me on special days like that. Also I really need to start on her patch blanket out of the rest of the left over fabric from the bear but I seem to have so many projects that I am in the middle of that that has been put on the back burner. <div>I also have had questions about fixing up my blog and maybe some of you amazing moms that have amazing blogs can help me. I am wanting to make my template into 3 columns so I can put stuff on both sides of what I post cause I have so much that I want to add to this blog plus I also want to have the headings up top where I can put a tab for Sienna's story and a few other things so it is easier for people to read. Can you please e-mail me at teresafarmer13@msn.com or comment on how I can improve my blog. I am dumb when it comes to being creative so I need help. Thanks!</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03153512789191377687noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1267405451996533477.post-7673176179214917632010-12-12T22:18:00.000-08:002010-12-12T22:37:06.688-08:00Decorating the Grave<div>We went to Sienna's grave about a week ago and put a little Joy decoration on it. I love pink and stars so I loved this decoration. Every time Gavin sees something pink he always says "Its pink like Sienna!" and he always says it with great excitement. He takes great honor in his sister which I love. He woke up the other day and told me that Sienna told him that she wants her lamby back so he hasn't been as attached to it cause I guess its Sienna's now and he wants to give it to her. It is amazing the things he says about her and the conversations I guess they have that he tells me about. He was doing awesome potty training but now has had accidents a lot but I bet it is because of the stress I have had during the holidays. It has been really hard for me but I try to put on a happy face. I have been happy for the most part but when I start talking about Sienna to people that is when I loose it. It is so good for me to talk about her to people but I feel like some people are like "Shut up already I am sick of hearing about her and you should be over her by now!" but I am happy to have recently found a group of BLM's (baby loss mommas) that have helped me so much and it gives me so much comfort to read their stories and to know that I am not alone. A lot of them have lost babies years ago and still have days that they just want to cry and be mad at the world so I am so happy to know that I can turn to them for comfort cause they know exactly what I am going through. I have had great support with everyone but honestly you never know what a mother goes through who has lost a child until you have gone through it. As hard as it has been to loose Sienna I have been so blessed to have met so many amazing women who have done amazing things in honor of their babies they have lost. I am trying to find something I can do in honor of Sienna but for now I am working on this marathon once my knee heals. And I am still working on my healing process but I want to help out any way I can to mothers who have lost babies too. </div><div><br /></div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnLALrRS-l0-7hsjLSI_eoTSJLBbBF0hFm4Cruv5NXUGGvvf5EkZvWT7Rfz-FznIcbWzItVs2rsTfXi5wUZqnoCR9xy9af47zdfEhuirfstBA5xlLgfB8DW7u0uJ73HenkQ03rthvuapsN/s1600/100_0081.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnLALrRS-l0-7hsjLSI_eoTSJLBbBF0hFm4Cruv5NXUGGvvf5EkZvWT7Rfz-FznIcbWzItVs2rsTfXi5wUZqnoCR9xy9af47zdfEhuirfstBA5xlLgfB8DW7u0uJ73HenkQ03rthvuapsN/s320/100_0081.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5550047803833453538" /></a><div style="text-align: center;">Gavin looks a little silly in this picture cause as you can see he was in the middle of eating a cookie when I took a picture of him.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9rN_AsXroxuXZNYYZliXbuf_Yr_m_MEx069Mslvgwv8ir4wts-yEuV2_2b4Px_syJsxqB7OcDMqIkRs_w3FBKE4HKyd2C8g0W9i5ha7o1WxlGEvH4ARrAoT1Kj1yOZFpoFh4k8DeICKyK/s1600/100_0083.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9rN_AsXroxuXZNYYZliXbuf_Yr_m_MEx069Mslvgwv8ir4wts-yEuV2_2b4Px_syJsxqB7OcDMqIkRs_w3FBKE4HKyd2C8g0W9i5ha7o1WxlGEvH4ARrAoT1Kj1yOZFpoFh4k8DeICKyK/s320/100_0083.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5550047794317995458" /></a><div style="text-align: center;">Gav and Daddy with Sienna</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4eERQiF0hdLZFcvPUIYsW5bHh7PlNhoNjYCLsityIieIQnmzgJ_MqAGOfxYMJj8FsrIFUQPTouRnCos4Q8PqDoDvkdzPhT6xTHTouWICjHPIXHO0T6gBlzErwovAOCIV30M5HcGKMUliZ/s1600/100_0084.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4eERQiF0hdLZFcvPUIYsW5bHh7PlNhoNjYCLsityIieIQnmzgJ_MqAGOfxYMJj8FsrIFUQPTouRnCos4Q8PqDoDvkdzPhT6xTHTouWICjHPIXHO0T6gBlzErwovAOCIV30M5HcGKMUliZ/s320/100_0084.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5550047792900702802" /></a><div style="text-align: center;">Our decoration with her marking. It will have to do for now until we get a headstone.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi15b-GpAlkApMlqKbL6DzqoV9U7LfHA19usAKEDlKXYCeTc-FgigdKhvWIzOLKvbclB9VoAyXpKckMOd8j1jC2XDV5KvjiKrcUt6ah68d5HsK0Sierh6M008krbk9IIVeGW-9og1S0VTcm/s1600/100_0085.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi15b-GpAlkApMlqKbL6DzqoV9U7LfHA19usAKEDlKXYCeTc-FgigdKhvWIzOLKvbclB9VoAyXpKckMOd8j1jC2XDV5KvjiKrcUt6ah68d5HsK0Sierh6M008krbk9IIVeGW-9og1S0VTcm/s320/100_0085.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5550047784942516802" /></a><div style="text-align: center;">I love you Sienna! I look happy here but 5 minutes after this I was a basket case and couldn't stop crying. I just miss my baby!</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03153512789191377687noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1267405451996533477.post-71087347159877225052010-12-05T19:55:00.000-08:002010-12-05T20:12:41.370-08:00Sienna's TreeWe got a call yesterday from Quin's brother saying that there is a tree at festival of trees for Sienna and Quin told me and I told him I am sure it is a tree that one of the moms that lost a baby this year did for all the moms that have lost a baby so I didn't think much of it. Then about a half hour later we got a call from his dad saying that Quin's brother and his wife made a tree for Sienna. I all of a sudden got upset that no one told me cause I had such a busy afternoon and that was the last day of festival of trees so we dropped everything and rushed over to see it. I immediately started crying when I saw it. It was so beautiful. I couldn't believe my in laws would do that especially since they are struggling with money right now and just had a baby. I was so sad it was sold and wish someone told me about it earlier then I would have gone the first day and bought it but I hope whoever got it enjoys it. We ended up spending 3 hours at the festival of trees and I ended up not caring about the other plans I had that day. It was a great day and it was also sad to see how many people have lost loved ones that year but the trees they made for them were beautiful.<br />I found out in my ward today that a women just found out that her baby isn't going to make it. It sounded like her baby boy had a lot of the same problems Sienna had but our relief society leader told us she wants to stay private about it and doesn't want to talk about it and that was hard for me cause I wanted to run up to that lady and just cry with her cause I know how she feels. All the emotions of what I went through the day I found out we can't take Sienna home with us flooded over me today. My heart breaks for her and for the week she has to face as she delivers him and has his graveside service. Please keep her in your prayers as she will have a hard week ahead of her.<br />I have been doing a better lately with my emotions. I have been trying to focus more on other people and helping them out that it helps me forget about my trials. I injured my knee and can't run for 3 weeks which has been hard but I have been so busy with the holidays that it hasn't bothered me too much. I love the spirit of Christmas and wish we all kept it going throughout the year. It makes me so grateful to be apart of the LDS church and to know the things I know so I can return to Sienna. I have felt her spirit a lot this time of year which has helped me too.<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhshFYGX-Osm_TShjv6E5OxjNkwjWdAlHtvOX01zOBqgvyvKu5XhjPszurlm8J97OIJnL0LvlQFSgu2L0sDv5wgoDeEVEw4L4AzQuEJs9iHrjT6bfEtYV4NGteu4NWUxbQFXel6NYsLGMwl/s1600/100_0062.JPG"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhshFYGX-Osm_TShjv6E5OxjNkwjWdAlHtvOX01zOBqgvyvKu5XhjPszurlm8J97OIJnL0LvlQFSgu2L0sDv5wgoDeEVEw4L4AzQuEJs9iHrjT6bfEtYV4NGteu4NWUxbQFXel6NYsLGMwl/s320/100_0062.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5547413527467418242" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWgO4BU72haetY4OdaMI2q48sj3maL46UFP9-ZM1tyNr1yOEFVIPaknucm3Pwi7NI2ztxu1QXhSj2SWNjsR1lXqOTb57nisFJ2WzGEkUOwPFzbe7js-xC7EzUT7uMJ5TxwPoKbMmu74Kty/s1600/100_0063.JPG"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWgO4BU72haetY4OdaMI2q48sj3maL46UFP9-ZM1tyNr1yOEFVIPaknucm3Pwi7NI2ztxu1QXhSj2SWNjsR1lXqOTb57nisFJ2WzGEkUOwPFzbe7js-xC7EzUT7uMJ5TxwPoKbMmu74Kty/s320/100_0063.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5547413525040917778" border="0" /></a>My sister in laws mom sewed the tree skirt and that is the same kind of fabric that Sienna's bear was made out of and I love how they had the lamby there too.<br /><br /></div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrhEcwcopGL1u3iCOLWfdmNvr3NzTzl2N6RP-EQ4DhHECrSzFs9z2gvq1_2QjdvO3VDy38Qo2KXxfNPx9XoEHCRLrGxogqxWny0ZZRFaRrBQWbWyQ8_06SUoDzvtTlh7NqbWL4HhhtkJn7/s1600/100_0064.JPG"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrhEcwcopGL1u3iCOLWfdmNvr3NzTzl2N6RP-EQ4DhHECrSzFs9z2gvq1_2QjdvO3VDy38Qo2KXxfNPx9XoEHCRLrGxogqxWny0ZZRFaRrBQWbWyQ8_06SUoDzvtTlh7NqbWL4HhhtkJn7/s320/100_0064.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5547413517339151810" border="0" /></a><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7_jUMQfTgpnDFrUnFcJTwSkfgbPD9VJlerJBmmwsvJazSoPgjdZ8-HqNg9WHyAK49L17cDDr-D5mXz-HHC7K27OaL_NjEJuaxh_8AF1z0w7SzcjQCgmPob31mA59sklafDPXS3kGi5c2h/s1600/100_0067.JPG"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7_jUMQfTgpnDFrUnFcJTwSkfgbPD9VJlerJBmmwsvJazSoPgjdZ8-HqNg9WHyAK49L17cDDr-D5mXz-HHC7K27OaL_NjEJuaxh_8AF1z0w7SzcjQCgmPob31mA59sklafDPXS3kGi5c2h/s320/100_0067.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5547413510613191202" border="0" /></a>Us in front of the tree.<br /><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEc0k1VVkOG0PDdUXBFNqIqOlD2HCz5l2b02tmTtPzMkZWMaBPS4vRepLQ2ihvAmZx1C0q8PPsOo7Gcw__ta9oQWBliwPdcvIVfu7iFOJ9QEKL2YsvSBFlWBr1aMU7syLnEmKBVyXuAFno/s1600/100_0069.JPG"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEc0k1VVkOG0PDdUXBFNqIqOlD2HCz5l2b02tmTtPzMkZWMaBPS4vRepLQ2ihvAmZx1C0q8PPsOo7Gcw__ta9oQWBliwPdcvIVfu7iFOJ9QEKL2YsvSBFlWBr1aMU7syLnEmKBVyXuAFno/s320/100_0069.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5547413501257263410" border="0" /></a>The tree was so beautiful! It had pink balls, angels, and lamb ornaments on it.<br /></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03153512789191377687noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1267405451996533477.post-78999030710800433542010-11-22T21:01:00.000-08:002010-11-22T21:21:56.653-08:00Being Happy!I am happy to say that I am doing better except for this dang cold that I have that is taking forever to go away. Thanks everyone for the comments you left on my venting post. I felt bad that I sounded so depressed but it made me feel better to let it all out. Like I said a lot of people thought I had it all together but I am good at putting on a happy face even when I am down. I am nervous for these holidays and don't know how they will affect me but it seems like I will have a busy month and a half so hopefully I won't have a ton of time to dwell on my feelings.<br />The reasoning of why I have been doing better is because I have had promptings every week that I need to go to the temple since I have had Sienna and I finally got around to it last weekend and I went with my mom. I did initiatories and I haven't done those since I first went through the temple to get my endowments done so it was amazing to hear the blessings. But as I was standing in one of the rooms before the worker came and got me. The spirit just overwhelmed me and I felt Sienna standing right next to me. I can't explain the amazing feeling that overcame me. And as I was standing there by myself I could almost hear her saying that everything will be okay and that she loved me so much. After that I lost it and I was crying through the whole session because of the joy that I felt from feeling my daughters spirit in the temple that day.<br />I am so grateful for the gospel and don't know how I could make it through this trial without it. Yeah I have my days like the day that I wrote my venting post but since I went to the temple I feel like I am able to get through this a little bit better. After I finished the session and walked out and say my mom standing there in white it made me cry cause it made me think of how amazing it will be the day I pass away and walk through the veil and see Sienna standing there on the other side waiting for me. I can't wait for that day and know it will be such an amazing reunion!<br />I know that she is preparing our other children to come down to this earth and I hope that they will all be healthy cause it will be hard for me to loose another one. I am running a 10k this Thanksgiving and I wasn't going to do it cause I have been sick with a cold but as soon as I thought about that I thought about Sienna fighting for her life even though she was sick inside of me so I had to sign up cause even if I am sick I will fight my hardest to get through this race cause Sienna is a fighter and I want her to know that her mommy is a fighter too and this is my first race to prove to her that I can fight for her and accomplish a great goal. My goal is to finish it in an hour and I hope I can do that. Every race I do in the next year I know I will be thinking of Sienna through the steps, sweat, and tears and I am dedicating every race to her. I love you sweet girl and I hope you are there cheering for me;)!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03153512789191377687noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1267405451996533477.post-20928535070869443122010-11-16T12:53:00.000-08:002010-11-16T13:13:18.873-08:00VentingWow today has pretty much sucked that is all I have to say. Today is one of those days that I am just so mad at the world. I am so mad that I can't have my baby in my arms right now. And I am mad that money controls our lives and that we are running out of it.<br />It all started with Sunday being my due date and all I wanted to do was lay in bed all day and cry my eyes out but I went to church which was great but still like I said Sundays are always the worst days for me cause I think of Sienna the most and then I had to talk my husband into going to see her grave that day. He felt bad because we didn't have anything to bring to it so I had Gavin bring his picture that he colored in Nursery of jesus with a boy and a girl. So we set it on her grave with two rocks and I am sure the picture is gone now with the wind and rain we have had the past couple of days. Then we headed over to my in laws which I didn't want to go at all cause my sister in laws are pregnant and I honestly did not want to be around them that day. It wasn't their fault it just made things worse. And when we got there they were talking about being pregnant which I don't blame them but I had to keep going to the bathroom so I can cry and then try and come out acting like I was fine with everything. Overall it was a crappy Sunday and I cried myself to sleep while my husband played video games.<br />Yesterday wasn't so bad but it stressed me out cause we have to get new phones and I have been slow at work so therefor we don't have much money right now especially with Quin's job slowing down and he has been applying to a ton of places but we haven't heard back from anywhere. So I am extremely stressed about money right now and I hate that it controls our lives especially since all I want is a baby right now but we can't cause we don't have benifits anymore.<br />And I have been trying to keep my mind off of wanting a baby so bad by running but mother nature decided to make me sick so now I don't have running to get my stress off so that is why I am writing about all my problems right now. Plus I have to starve myself all day long cause I have life insurance coming over for the 3rd time tonight to take my blood cause they haven't been able to find my viens the past two times and I have to fast all day so that is making things worse.<br />So for today my life sucks and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnell. So I am sorry for those that are reading this but I just have to vent. I don't know how I am going to get through these holidays but I will just have to take baby steps and that is hard to think of taking baby steps cause all I want is a baby. Its just not fair. I am so jealous of so many people right now especially the ones with newborns or who are having babies.<br />I am sorry if I offended anyone, I am not meaning too. I just don't think I will be completely happy until I have another baby inside of me but who knows when that will ever happen.<br />Hopefully my next post will be a more positive one especially once I get food inside of me:) There now I feel a little better now that I let everything out.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03153512789191377687noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1267405451996533477.post-78612720452954358612010-11-11T16:52:00.000-08:002010-11-11T17:00:48.217-08:00What can you do?Here is another post that I read about on Honoring our Angels. She listed do's and don't's on what to say to people that are going through a loss of a child. I have had such amazing support but at the same time I have had some people tell me things that just made me think "Did you really just say that to me?!" But overall everyone has been so amazing to me and my family. This has been an extremely rough week for me. I use to have just one break down a week but this week I have been having them everyday if not a few times a day. Sienna's due date is Sunday and it has been hard for me to not get mad that I can't be having a happy healthy little girl right now. I have been craving babies lately. So if anyone has a baby I would love to watch and hold them cause that has brought me the most comfort at this time. All I have been wanting this week is a baby. It has been hard to focus on the house, on my running, and on eating better. I tried to start the hcg today but after half a day a lost it. It was hard and I didn't think I could put another stress on my plate so that will have to hold off until I can be a little bit happier for now I will just have to enjoy my muffin top. Plus food is my comfort right now and I know that is bad but it just is. Anyways read this post and hope it will help to know what to do to people in the future who are grieving. I know that from this experience I know what things to say to people and how to help them cause I have gone through the same thing.<br /><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"></span><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><b><i>What is the best question you can ask a bereaved parent?</i></b></span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><b>Answer: How are you REALLY doing since your child died?</b></div><i><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>(use the child's name)</i></span></div></i><br /><table style="color: rgb(204, 153, 255);" align="center" border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td vspace="0" hspace="0" style="margin: 0px; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;" align="left" valign="top" width="50%"><center><u><b><span style="font-size: 130%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Do's</span></span></span></b></u></center><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);"><br /></span><ul type="disc"><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Do ask, "How are you REALLY doing?"</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Do remember that you can't take away their pain, but you can share it and help them feel less alone.</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Do let your genuine concern and care show.</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Do call the child by name.</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Do treat the couple equally. Fathers need as much support as mothers.</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Do be available...to listen, to run errands, to drive, help with the other children, or whatever else seems needed at the time.</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Do say you are sorry about what happened to their child and about their pain.</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Do accept their moods whatever they may be, you are not there to judge. Be sensitive to shifting moods.</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Do allow them to talk about the child that has died as much and as often as they want.</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Do talk about the special, endearing qualities of the child.</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Do give special attention to the child's brother and sister--at the funeral and in the months to come (they too are hurt and confused and in need of attention which their parents may not be able to give).</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Do reassure the parents that they did everything they could, that the care the child received was the best possible.</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Do put on your calendar the birth and death date of the child and remember the family the following year(s). That you remember the child is very supportive.</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Do extend invitations to them. But understand if they decline or change their minds at the last minute. Above all continue to call and visit.</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Do send a personal note or letter or make a contribution to a charity that is meaningful to the family.</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Do get literature about the disease and grief process to help you understand.</span></li></ul></td><td vspace="0" hspace="0" style="margin: 0px; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;" align="left" valign="top" width="50%"><center><u><b><span style="font-size: 130%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Don'ts</span></span></span></b></u></center><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);"><br /></span><ul type="disc"><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Don't be afraid to ask about the deceased child and to share memories.</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Don't think that the age of the child determines its value and impact.</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Don't be afraid to touch, it can often be more comforting than words.</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Don't avoid them because you feel helpless or uncomfortable, or don't know what to say.</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Don't change the subject when they mention their child.</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Don't push the parents through the grieving process, it takes a long time to heal and they never forget.</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Don't encourage the use of drugs or alcohol.</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Don't ask them how they feel if you aren't willing to listen.</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Don't say you know how they feel.</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Don't tell them what they should feel or do.</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Don't try to find something positive in the child's death.</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Don't point out that at least they have their other other children.</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Don't say that they can always have another child.</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Don't suggest that they should be grateful <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">for</span> their other children.</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Don't think that death puts a ban on laughter. There is much enjoyment in the memory of the time they had together.</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Avoid the following cliches:</span><ul><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">"Be brave,don't cry."</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">"It was God's will" or "it was a blessing."</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">"Get on with your life. This isn't the end of the world."</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">"God needed another flower in his garden."</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">"At least it wasn't older."</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">"You must be strong for the other children."</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">"You're doing so well."</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">"You're young, you'll get over it."</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">"Time will heal."</span></li></ul></li></ul></td></tr></tbody></table></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03153512789191377687noreply@blogger.com4