Sienna's Birthday Party

Sorry it has taken me forever to post about her birthday. We have been busy since and plus this will be my last post on this blog cause I am going to print this into a book and then write about her on my private family blog here on out.

Sienna's birthday was such a beautiful day. I was so emotional leading up to the day but on her birthday I felt very much at peace. I could feel her with me all day and could tell she was excited it was her day.

That night we had close friends and family at her grave and it was a whole lot different then what we had to do the previous year. It was more of a celebration then a heartache. Sienna has blessed so many lives this past year so we know she is where she is suppose to be. Me and Quin said a few words about Sienna then we let off balloons and sang happy birthday to her.

Thank you to all of those who have been there for our family. We still have hard times so we appreciate those that still check up on us and still ask about Sienna. It makes me happy that people to know that she exists and that it wasn't all a dream. If you aren't invited to my private blog and would like to continue to read about our family then e-mail me at teresafarmer13@msn.com and send me your e-mail address.

I am grateful for this trial that I have had to face. I love Sienna so much and am grateful for the blessing she is in my life. Time really does heal and I do feel a lot better then I did a year ago. I am looking forward to what the future has for us and am looking forward to the day that I will be reunited with Sienna.

Letting off balloons

Her decorations

She needed a balloon too

Gavin blowing out the candle on her cake

Love this picture of Gav looking at her grave

My boys watching the balloons go up in the air

Great photo

My two nieces that are the same age as Sienna would be

My neighbor made this amazing cake and my two friends who also lost babies set this up for me on the night we got back from the grave. They said it was Sienna's present. It was so beautiful.

It was so beautiful!

Happy Birthday Sienna!

Dear Sienna,

I can't believe it was a year ago that I last got to hold you in my arms and kiss your cute little face. My how time flies! I have definitely had a roller coaster of emotions this past year good and bad and yet I am grateful to be where I am at today in life! Even though you didn't make it to this earth I feel so blessed to have you. I feel like we have connected so much this past year and I know we have a special bond. I especially love that our birthdays are only 2 days apart because I felt you a huge part of my birthday.

I have felt you several times this year through our trials of your dad getting his appendix removed. I know you where right by his side when he went in for surgery. And I felt you a ton during my miscarriage. That was so hard for me but you brought me such peace and comfort and helped me to understand that some of my kids didn't need to make it to this earth. You watch over that special spirit for me and I look forward to seeing both of you. Please send me one soon though;) I long to hold a baby in my arms.

I have also felt your hand in guiding daddy to his new job and saving him from getting laid off this year and also helping us to our new home. I look forward to moving and I felt like we have been drawn to this place and look forward to seeing the reason why.

I have met many amazing people through loosing you that I have developed close relationships with. I look up to many of these people as they helped me through every step in this healing process and I know it isn't over until I get to see you again.

Sienna my love for the gospel has grown immensely this past year and if it wasn't for loosing you I wouldn't be as strong as I am today. I have the strongest desire to be good and never make mistakes. I listen to better music, I love to go to church, I love to attend the temple as often as I can, and I love searching the scriptures. I am happier when I follow the commandments and I know I wouldn't be like this if it wasn't for you.

Your sweet brother Gavin loves you so much. He got so excited this morning that it was your birthday and is excited to give you his present he picked out for you tonight. I can tell you have such a close bond and I feel like Gavin is an angel too. He has been the best kid I can ask for. Whenever I am crying over you he will bring me his froggy to help me feel better. I bet you are just like him!

Your dad is one amazing man which I am sure you already know. I am the luckiest woman to have him in my life. I feel like there is no one more perfect for me. He loves you so very much and I love when I hear him talking about you. You already have him wrapped around your finger. Just wait till we get to heaven and I am sure he would do anything for you too.

Sienna I know we have a long road ahead before we will be able to see you but I love that I feel your spirit often and I hope it will never go away. I am lucky and honored to have chosen you as my daughter and to have carried this trial because it has made me the woman I am today. Just know that we think of you often and are so thrilled to have you apart of our lives. Thanks for blessing us in more ways then you know. I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I am living, my baby you'll be!!!

Love,

Your Forever Mom

Our Sunshine

A few weeks back as I was heading home from the gym and Gav asked if we could go see Sienna and of course I couldn't say no to that so we headed to her grave and sat and talked to her. It was so cute cause Gavin kept kissing the headstone like he was giving his sister a kiss and he would run around the cemetery and I know they were playing together. When we were about to leave Gav insisted on getting a picture with the grave and I kept telling him no cause we had so many of him with her headstone and he just kept insisting. All I had was my phone so I used my camera on there and took a picture. Some may think that bright light is a reflection from the sun but I took 3 others right after and that bright white light isn't in the picture. I got chills when I saw that picture and knew that that was Sienna wanting to be in the picture with Gavin.

Sienna has truly been my guardian angel and has helped me immensely in my life lately. She has guided me to make the right decisions and comforted me in hard times. She is truly my sunshine and I am grateful to have such a perfect little girl that I will be able to feel her spirit with me a lot.

My Miracle

So I saw this quote the other day when I was at the parade of homes and couldn't help but think of my sweet Sienna...

"Such a BIG miracle in such a LITTLE girl!"

She is a miracle in more ways than I know right now and even though she isn't here on this earth with us I can feel her spirit with me all the time. That picture is of Quin's hand with Sienna wrapped around her finger and I know she is cause his appendix almost burst last week and you could tell she was with him through it all even his surgery. She has sure been watching over us and IS apart of this family. I am lucky to have her!

Brownie

Before

After

Meet "Brownie"! She is my comfort blanket. The pink squares are the fabric we had left over from what Sienna was wrapped in and what we had left of the bear they made. I am glad they gave me back the scraps so I could make this blanket( with a ton and I mean a ton of help from my amazing mother!) If you are wondering why I call it Brownie. Well if most of you don't know Sienna means a reddish brownish color. I know that is sad that my daughter is named after a color but I am obsessed with chocolate and especially brownies and it is my comfort so I decided to name my blanket brownie.

I have it draped over a rocking chair in our spare room (hopefully it will be a babies room someday) And every night I read a book to Gavin in that rocking chair and he asks to be wrapped in the "Sienna blanket".

Sienna's 1 year in heaven is coming up in over a month and I have had a lot of break downs as I prepare myself for that day and that blanket has brought me comfort cause as I wrap myself in it it is almost as if she is wrapping her arms around me.

If any of you have any suggestions on what things I can do for her 1 year in heaven I would love to hear. I am planning on doing a balloon release and making her a little cake to put on her grave. But I want to do more but can't think of much right now.

Finding Peace

I am starting to find more peace and blessings through loosing Sienna. I have definitely felt her spirit with me a lot especially when I attend the temple. I know her mission isn't over and she is performing it here on this earth. She has blessed my life in many ways. I feel like I am doing okay through some of this but today was one of those days that I missed her so dearly.

I just woke up this morning and ached for her. And it ended up putting me in a bad mood this morning which I feel bad my family had to deal with that. But I felt that it would be okay cause church always makes me feel better. Well sitting in Sacrament today and listening to the testimonies one girl got up and talked about how she almost lost her son a week and a half ago due to be backed into with a car and she talked about how it was the most painful day of her life but yet she never felt that close to the Savior. Well that is when I lost it and all the emotions from the day she was taken from me flooded me as I was sitting there in church. I tried to pull myself together but the pain just overcame me yet I felt a peace to it. And as that girl was giving her testimony she was talking about how these trials have to happen for certain purposes and we may not know the reason or understand but there are miracles and blessings that come from that. As I was listening to that I was looking back on this past year and the things we have been blessed with through this trial.

• Me and Quin have grown closer and have cleaved unto each other through it.
• I hold Gavin a little tighter and try to be a better mother
• We have had an immense amount of love and support and prayers.
• I have had great health and so has my family
• Quin got blessed with a better job
• I have made some amazing friends
• My testimony has grown
• I have a closer relationship with my heavenly father
• I have not wanted to make a mistake and try harder to be better
• I have a special angel in my house now
• I can now help those that have trials cause I can understand

And that is just a small amount of the blessings that we have received. And that is what I need to look at. But today I just missed her and I know that is normal and days like this will come and go but at the close of sacrament we sang a song called "More Holiness Give Me" and I will write the words for those who haven't heard it. As I was singing this song I was bawling cause I felt like that song was meant for me with what I have gone through...

More holiness give me, More strivings within

More patience in suffering, More sorrow for sin,

More faith in my Savior, More sense of his care,

More joy in his service, More purpose in prayer.

More gratitude give me, More trust in the Lord,

More pride in his glory, More hope in his word,

More tears for his sorrows, More pain at his grief,

More meekness in trial, More praise for relief.

More purity give me, More strength to overcome,

More freedom from earth stains, More longing for home.

More fit for the kingdom, More used would I be,

More blessed and holy, More Savior like me.

And as I sang that I felt like the last verse was sung through Sienna's eyes and it was like she was speaking to me and telling me she is pure now and away from the stains of this earth but yet she longs to be home with us she is more fit for heaven cause she can be used more there and that she is more blessed and holy like our Savior.

And I finally started feeling more at peace. Relief Society today I felt was lead toward me cause it was about how we spend our time and we read a scripture that by doing the small and simple things that greater things will come about and I know that it really is that simple. If I spend time with my family, reading the scriptures, attending the temple, and on my knees praying then I know everything will fall into place.

I miss my sweet daughter but I am finally understanding her purpose in life now and I am HONORED to be her mother. I sometimes feel unworthy to have a perfect child that was too perfect for this earth but at the same time I feel blessed cause of what she has done for me and helping me to be the woman I am today.

I love you Sienna!!!

Memorial Day

I was telling Quin on Memorial Day that although it is hard and sad, I love that I have a place to go on Memorial Day and I love that it is 2 minutes from our house. We went and bought her some cute pink flowers and we each put one on her grave. It was so beautiful for there and the flags made it feel so special. I definitely feel the spirit when I am there and it makes me enjoy being there more. I also love how excited Gavin gets to go. I honestly believe he has a great relationship with his little sister already and I love seeing the big brother come out of him. It was a beautiful day to be there and I look forward to going every year.

Gavin with his little sister. Can't you just see the love he has for her through those eyes?!

Family photo

All her decorations. There was a pot of orchids on her headstone that I have no clue who put them there but I went there this afternoon and they were gone so it makes me wonder if someone put them on the wrong headstone.

The cemetery looked beautiful with all the flags and flowers.