Sienna's Tree

We got a call yesterday from Quin's brother saying that there is a tree at festival of trees for Sienna and Quin told me and I told him I am sure it is a tree that one of the moms that lost a baby this year did for all the moms that have lost a baby so I didn't think much of it. Then about a half hour later we got a call from his dad saying that Quin's brother and his wife made a tree for Sienna. I all of a sudden got upset that no one told me cause I had such a busy afternoon and that was the last day of festival of trees so we dropped everything and rushed over to see it. I immediately started crying when I saw it. It was so beautiful. I couldn't believe my in laws would do that especially since they are struggling with money right now and just had a baby. I was so sad it was sold and wish someone told me about it earlier then I would have gone the first day and bought it but I hope whoever got it enjoys it. We ended up spending 3 hours at the festival of trees and I ended up not caring about the other plans I had that day. It was a great day and it was also sad to see how many people have lost loved ones that year but the trees they made for them were beautiful.
I found out in my ward today that a women just found out that her baby isn't going to make it. It sounded like her baby boy had a lot of the same problems Sienna had but our relief society leader told us she wants to stay private about it and doesn't want to talk about it and that was hard for me cause I wanted to run up to that lady and just cry with her cause I know how she feels. All the emotions of what I went through the day I found out we can't take Sienna home with us flooded over me today. My heart breaks for her and for the week she has to face as she delivers him and has his graveside service. Please keep her in your prayers as she will have a hard week ahead of her.
I have been doing a better lately with my emotions. I have been trying to focus more on other people and helping them out that it helps me forget about my trials. I injured my knee and can't run for 3 weeks which has been hard but I have been so busy with the holidays that it hasn't bothered me too much. I love the spirit of Christmas and wish we all kept it going throughout the year. It makes me so grateful to be apart of the LDS church and to know the things I know so I can return to Sienna. I have felt her spirit a lot this time of year which has helped me too.

My sister in laws mom sewed the tree skirt and that is the same kind of fabric that Sienna's bear was made out of and I love how they had the lamby there too.

Us in front of the tree.

The tree was so beautiful! It had pink balls, angels, and lamb ornaments on it.

Being Happy!

I am happy to say that I am doing better except for this dang cold that I have that is taking forever to go away. Thanks everyone for the comments you left on my venting post. I felt bad that I sounded so depressed but it made me feel better to let it all out. Like I said a lot of people thought I had it all together but I am good at putting on a happy face even when I am down. I am nervous for these holidays and don't know how they will affect me but it seems like I will have a busy month and a half so hopefully I won't have a ton of time to dwell on my feelings.
The reasoning of why I have been doing better is because I have had promptings every week that I need to go to the temple since I have had Sienna and I finally got around to it last weekend and I went with my mom. I did initiatories and I haven't done those since I first went through the temple to get my endowments done so it was amazing to hear the blessings. But as I was standing in one of the rooms before the worker came and got me. The spirit just overwhelmed me and I felt Sienna standing right next to me. I can't explain the amazing feeling that overcame me. And as I was standing there by myself I could almost hear her saying that everything will be okay and that she loved me so much. After that I lost it and I was crying through the whole session because of the joy that I felt from feeling my daughters spirit in the temple that day.
I am so grateful for the gospel and don't know how I could make it through this trial without it. Yeah I have my days like the day that I wrote my venting post but since I went to the temple I feel like I am able to get through this a little bit better. After I finished the session and walked out and say my mom standing there in white it made me cry cause it made me think of how amazing it will be the day I pass away and walk through the veil and see Sienna standing there on the other side waiting for me. I can't wait for that day and know it will be such an amazing reunion!
I know that she is preparing our other children to come down to this earth and I hope that they will all be healthy cause it will be hard for me to loose another one. I am running a 10k this Thanksgiving and I wasn't going to do it cause I have been sick with a cold but as soon as I thought about that I thought about Sienna fighting for her life even though she was sick inside of me so I had to sign up cause even if I am sick I will fight my hardest to get through this race cause Sienna is a fighter and I want her to know that her mommy is a fighter too and this is my first race to prove to her that I can fight for her and accomplish a great goal. My goal is to finish it in an hour and I hope I can do that. Every race I do in the next year I know I will be thinking of Sienna through the steps, sweat, and tears and I am dedicating every race to her. I love you sweet girl and I hope you are there cheering for me;)!

Venting

Wow today has pretty much sucked that is all I have to say. Today is one of those days that I am just so mad at the world. I am so mad that I can't have my baby in my arms right now. And I am mad that money controls our lives and that we are running out of it.
It all started with Sunday being my due date and all I wanted to do was lay in bed all day and cry my eyes out but I went to church which was great but still like I said Sundays are always the worst days for me cause I think of Sienna the most and then I had to talk my husband into going to see her grave that day. He felt bad because we didn't have anything to bring to it so I had Gavin bring his picture that he colored in Nursery of jesus with a boy and a girl. So we set it on her grave with two rocks and I am sure the picture is gone now with the wind and rain we have had the past couple of days. Then we headed over to my in laws which I didn't want to go at all cause my sister in laws are pregnant and I honestly did not want to be around them that day. It wasn't their fault it just made things worse. And when we got there they were talking about being pregnant which I don't blame them but I had to keep going to the bathroom so I can cry and then try and come out acting like I was fine with everything. Overall it was a crappy Sunday and I cried myself to sleep while my husband played video games.
Yesterday wasn't so bad but it stressed me out cause we have to get new phones and I have been slow at work so therefor we don't have much money right now especially with Quin's job slowing down and he has been applying to a ton of places but we haven't heard back from anywhere. So I am extremely stressed about money right now and I hate that it controls our lives especially since all I want is a baby right now but we can't cause we don't have benifits anymore.
And I have been trying to keep my mind off of wanting a baby so bad by running but mother nature decided to make me sick so now I don't have running to get my stress off so that is why I am writing about all my problems right now. Plus I have to starve myself all day long cause I have life insurance coming over for the 3rd time tonight to take my blood cause they haven't been able to find my viens the past two times and I have to fast all day so that is making things worse.
So for today my life sucks and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnell. So I am sorry for those that are reading this but I just have to vent. I don't know how I am going to get through these holidays but I will just have to take baby steps and that is hard to think of taking baby steps cause all I want is a baby. Its just not fair. I am so jealous of so many people right now especially the ones with newborns or who are having babies.
I am sorry if I offended anyone, I am not meaning too. I just don't think I will be completely happy until I have another baby inside of me but who knows when that will ever happen.
Hopefully my next post will be a more positive one especially once I get food inside of me:) There now I feel a little better now that I let everything out.

What can you do?

Here is another post that I read about on Honoring our Angels. She listed do's and don't's on what to say to people that are going through a loss of a child. I have had such amazing support but at the same time I have had some people tell me things that just made me think "Did you really just say that to me?!" But overall everyone has been so amazing to me and my family. This has been an extremely rough week for me. I use to have just one break down a week but this week I have been having them everyday if not a few times a day. Sienna's due date is Sunday and it has been hard for me to not get mad that I can't be having a happy healthy little girl right now. I have been craving babies lately. So if anyone has a baby I would love to watch and hold them cause that has brought me the most comfort at this time. All I have been wanting this week is a baby. It has been hard to focus on the house, on my running, and on eating better. I tried to start the hcg today but after half a day a lost it. It was hard and I didn't think I could put another stress on my plate so that will have to hold off until I can be a little bit happier for now I will just have to enjoy my muffin top. Plus food is my comfort right now and I know that is bad but it just is. Anyways read this post and hope it will help to know what to do to people in the future who are grieving. I know that from this experience I know what things to say to people and how to help them cause I have gone through the same thing.

What is the best question you can ask a bereaved parent?

Answer: How are you REALLY doing since your child died?

(use the child's name)

Do's Do ask, "How are you REALLY doing?" Do remember that you can't take away their pain, but you can share it and help them feel less alone. Do let your genuine concern and care show. Do call the child by name. Do treat the couple equally. Fathers need as much support as mothers. Do be available...to listen, to run errands, to drive, help with the other children, or whatever else seems needed at the time. Do say you are sorry about what happened to their child and about their pain. Do accept their moods whatever they may be, you are not there to judge. Be sensitive to shifting moods. Do allow them to talk about the child that has died as much and as often as they want. Do talk about the special, endearing qualities of the child. Do give special attention to the child's brother and sister--at the funeral and in the months to come (they too are hurt and confused and in need of attention which their parents may not be able to give). Do reassure the parents that they did everything they could, that the care the child received was the best possible. Do put on your calendar the birth and death date of the child and remember the family the following year(s). That you remember the child is very supportive. Do extend invitations to them. But understand if they decline or change their minds at the last minute. Above all continue to call and visit. Do send a personal note or letter or make a contribution to a charity that is meaningful to the family. Do get literature about the disease and grief process to help you understand.

Don'ts Don't be afraid to ask about the deceased child and to share memories. Don't think that the age of the child determines its value and impact. Don't be afraid to touch, it can often be more comforting than words. Don't avoid them because you feel helpless or uncomfortable, or don't know what to say. Don't change the subject when they mention their child. Don't push the parents through the grieving process, it takes a long time to heal and they never forget. Don't encourage the use of drugs or alcohol. Don't ask them how they feel if you aren't willing to listen. Don't say you know how they feel. Don't tell them what they should feel or do. Don't try to find something positive in the child's death. Don't point out that at least they have their other other children. Don't say that they can always have another child. Don't suggest that they should be grateful for their other children. Don't think that death puts a ban on laughter. There is much enjoyment in the memory of the time they had together. Avoid the following cliches: "Be brave,don't cry." "It was God's will" or "it was a blessing." "Get on with your life. This isn't the end of the world." "God needed another flower in his garden." "At least it wasn't older." "You must be strong for the other children." "You're doing so well." "You're young, you'll get over it." "Time will heal."

Time

I saw this on a blog that I read that honors our angels and I am so glad that I read it because I have been having a hard time still and not understanding why I am getting better. There are days I want to talk about Sienna but no one says anything about her or tries to go around the situation. I have felt that some people probably think I should be back to normal and shouldn't be grieving anymore but after reading this it made me realize that it is okay that I am still having a hard time and only time can heal. If any of you have lost anyone or know someone that has lost someone then this will help you to understand what they are going through. Everything in this is exactly how I am still feeling. I know some people may think that I am stupid for feeling this way cause I never had Sienna here on this earth and that she was a still born but it is still hard so I hope this will help you understand.

FROM THE DIRECTOR OF GRIEF WATCH
By Pat Schwiebert, R.N.

What does time have to do with grief?

Everything.

Just consider how, in “normal life,” our lives are run by the clock and the calendar. Some of us have a clock in every room so we can keep close track of the time. Few of us have the courage to live without wearing a watch because we’re afraid we might be late for something. Time is precious to us. We live in a society that reminds us that every moment counts, and some of us are masters at cramming as much activity as possible into every moment.

And when we are grieving our experience still has much to do about time.

Time stands still.
When we are grieving we may feel like the rest of the world is going on as usual while our life has stopped. Just last week, after my friend died, I passed a neighbor watering his lawn. He seemed totally unaffected by, and most likely unaware of Sarah’s death. How could that be? He only lives a block away. Didn’t he feel the same shift in the universe that I felt when she died? Doesn’t he realize someone really special is missing?

Time’s up.
Most people will allow us about a one month grace period where we are permitted to talk about our loss and even to cry openly. During this time our friends will probably seem to be attentive to our needs. But when the month is up they may be thinking, if not actually telling us, that it’s time to move on, and that we need to get over “it”. They want us to get back to normal. We may be surprised how many of our friends (and relatives too) will become uncomfortable with our need to dwell on our sorrow. They may not appreciate that it takes time to readjust our life to the loss. Maybe what they are really saying is, “Time’s up for me to be able to be present to you in your grieving time.” Because of this we may need to redefine what is normal for us, and choosing some new best friends—friends who are willing and able to walk along side us on our personal journey of grief, and who will allow us to determine when our “time’s up”.

Doing Time.
Grief may make us feel imprisoned in our own version of hell. We won’t like who we are. We won’t like it that our loved one has gone. We won’t like it that our friends can’t make us feel better. We just want out of here, and we’re not sure we want to do the work that grief requires in order to be set free from this bondage. Some of us will remain in this uncomfortable place for a short time while others of us may feel like we have been given a longer sentence.

Wasting time.
Though in real life I pride myself in being a master at multitasking, in the land of grief I’m much less sure of myself. I find it hard to make decisions because, in my new situation, I don’t trust myself to make the right choice. I want someone else to be responsible if something goes wrong. Sometimes my wasting time is about not having the energy to get started. I am physically exhausted and my body refuses to make an effort to reclaim my former self. And I admit, quite frankly, that I’m not sure I even care enough about anything to make the effort. What’s the use, since it seems like everything I love sooner or later gets taken away from me.

Looking back in time.
When we grieve we spend most of our time, at least at first, looking back. It seems safer that way. That’s where our missing loved ones are. If we were to look forward, that would mean we would have to imagine our lives without those we have lost. And that’s what we aren’t ready to accept--not yet. So we spend a lot of time thinking how we should have been able to prevent their dying, or wondering if we used our time with them well, as we remember the good times, bad times, silly and sad times. We think we have to keep those memories in front of us, or surely we will forget those whom we have lost.

First times.
It is natural for us to gauge our life after a loss as we anticipate and then go through the first times --first day, the first week, the first month, the first time we venture out in public, the first time we went back to school, or church, or work, the first summer, the first Christmas, the first vacation, the first time we laughed. These first times are like benchmarks, notches in our belt that prove we are surviving when you weren’t sure we wanted to, or didn’t know we could.

Dinnertime.
There’s an empty chair at the table. There’s the conversation that seems to be just noise, having little to do with the absent one about whom we are all thinking but not daring to speak. We still prepare more food than we now need because we haven’t yet figured out how to cook for one less person. Sometimes the food seems to have no taste, and is not able to do what we want it to do--to fill that huge hole within us.

Time out.
Sometimes what we need to do is to take a time out from our regular activities to reflect on what has happened to our personal world, as we knew it before our great loss. To do so is not to run away from life but simply to realize that to act as if nothing has happened doesn’t work. This loss is too big to allow us to pretend that it hasn’t had a big impact on us. It’s in the quiet time, when we shut off our thinking, and empty out the chatter in our head that the healing begins. Others will have to be okay with our need to bow out for a while. Remember that during grief our job is to take care of ourselves, not to take care of our friends. When it’s time to re-enter a normal routine, it’s our choice what we will reinstate and what we decide to lay aside. Loss tends to redefine our priorities. What used to be important may not be as important now. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Time heals what reason cannot.
In the end, time will change things. The intensity we experience when grief is new, where we can see nothing but our loss, and where every moment is filled with thoughts of the one who died will gradually diminish and become softer. Time forces the big picture of life back into our vision whether we like it or not. This happens in our lives all the time. Remember how when we first fell in love with someone, we were totally preoccupied with only that other person, until gradually a more balanced existence was restored. Or when we did (what we thought was) some terrible thing and we were sure everybody would never let us forget it, we came to find out a few months down the road that most people had forgotten the incident.

In the months (maybe years) following a loss, life will eventually start to re-emerge, and life on this planet will once again seem possible. This will not happen because we come to understand the death more clearly but because, with the passage of time, the unanswered questions will become easier to live with.

Time will not remove grief entirely. The scars of our grief will remain and we may find ourselves ambushed by a fresh wave of grief at any time. But needing to know the answers to the “why” questions won’t seem quite so important as it once was.

Time is a gift that we have taken for granted. We’ve been given our lives one moment at a time.

This is good.

Peace to you.

One Day I will

Well today was one of those days where things were going great. I ran 5 miles with friends this morning, went to the gym and lifted weights, and came home and took my sweet time getting ready. I felt like it was going to be a great day until... I had an appointment with my doctor today to get an iud in. Me and my husband had discussed it would be the best option for us right now especially seeing that pills would be so much every month and my iud would be free seeing this is my last month on insurance. I was so excited going in and knowing I don't have to take a pill everyday and this would be so nice. Well after the appointment I thought I was still okay until I sat in my car and it hit me that I really did a beautiful baby girl a month ago and that it will be a while before I will have another and that is when I just broke down into tears.
It was a long drive home and I don't know if you have ever been driving and you look over and see someone crying hysterically. Well today that was what a lot of people saw as they were driving along side of me. I felt so ridiculous as I was bawling but I could not hold it in. They whole way home I talked to Sienna and told her how much I loved her and that I was so sorry for everything that she had to go through. I told her to hold her mommy tonight cause I needed her.
As I was driving home I was also listening to Lady Antebellum cause my amazing friend invited me to go to the concert tonight cause she felt like I needed a night out and I am sure glad that she listened to those promptings to invite me cause I sure do but one of their songs came on that brought me peace. It is called one day you will and it talked about how we are in pain right now but one day we will find peace.
I know I will have good days and bad days but that song brought me comfort to know that one day I will look back at this experience and it will bring me more peace then it will pain. You have to watch this video and listen to the words cause if any of you are going through trials out there like me I hope that you will one day find peace and keep holding on.

Gavin's Dream

So me and Quin ran a bunch of errands this afternoon and while we were out Gavin fell asleep in the car and was asleep on Quin's shoulder while we were in the store. He finally woke up and Quin asked how his nap was and he said Good then Quin asked what he dreamt about and the first thing he said was "Baby sister"We then asked him what they did in his dreams and he told us all about how he played with his blocks with her and colored pictures.
It was just amazing to hear him talk about the relationship he had with his sister. I hadn't even brought up Sienna to him today so that just really showed me that he still is with her a lot of days even if it is in his dreams. I love that I have Gavin in my life. He brings so much joy into my life right now and I don't know how I would do it without him. Whenever he can tell that me or Quin are down or sad he always asks us "Are you happy mommy or Are you happy daddy?" He also tilts his head to the side when he says it and says it in such a sincere voice. It is so cute and if we are sad it really turns our mood around knowing that Gavin is worried and wants us to be happy. How can I not be happy when I have such an amazing little boy and a caring husband who do all they can for me everyday to put a smile on my face.