I love dreams!

I think I read into dreams so much but honestly I feel like it is a way that my heavenly father speaks to me. My grandma visited me in a dream and I just feel like dreams are ways I get many answers to my prayers. Well I had a dream last night that I just have to share so I don't forget it but after I had Sienna I wished so badly that I was able to have some time with her before she passed away. I wished I was able to see the life in her instead of her limp body. That was so hard for me. It was hard for me to read mothers stories that got that and I wished so badly that I could have that. Well I know this sounds weird but last night I dreamt about my delivery and this time she had life in her. I had a dream that I delivered her and she was still alive. The doctor said it was a matter of hours before she passed away and I just remember in my dream her looking up at me and seeing that bond that we had and changing her first/last diaper and just holding her in my arms with her moving. I wanted to cry with excitement when I woke up because in my dreams I was able to hold my baby girl and see her stare back at me. I think heavenly father knew that I wanted that so bad so he made it come true in my dreams. I feel like I got a little bit more closure even after I woke up and yet it made me so baby hungry to hold my own baby in my arms again and see those precious eyes staring back at me. I know I have my son but I try to hold him and cuddle him but can you imagine an almost 3 year old cuddling like that. There is no way except for when he is sleeping. But it just made me so happy that I got to have the bond with my angel in my dreams. I love you sweet girl!!!
I also wanted to share that last weekend as I went on a trip with my husband which was muchly needed I thought to myself as we were driving I am finally starting to feel truly happy again since I have had Sienna. I actually smiled for real instead of forcing it out of me. I actually felt like I will be okay that I can make it and I am seeing the end of this depression and the beginning of my happiness again. I am not going to lie I know I will still have days that I just want to lock myself in my room and cry but I am actually seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Things are starting to move along with Quin's job searching and it is bringing so much more hope to when we can have another beautiful baby.
I am starting to love life again and each day is getting better!:)

A better year?

Will I get a better year this year? I hope so! Wow last year was pretty much the hardest year I have ever had. I have read some women's blogs about accepting the fact that their baby died. Lets just say I am not to that point yet. It is still so hard for me and hopefully someday I will say that I can accept it but for now I am still in the healing process.

As I look back on last year it seemed to have flown by but at the same time I feel like I was in limbo most of the year and my life was stuck waiting. I have looked back on the many blessings we received last year and am so grateful for everything that we were given. I have also had times as I look back and wish I could fast forward time and wish that we never got the news that Sienna wouldn't make it and that we would have had a healthy baby girl.

I don't know if any of you have seen the movie Tangled but it was a great movie but at the same time extremely hard for me to see. In the movie and I hope I don't give it away but they let off glowing lanterns on the princess's birthday every year and the worst was Gavin said " Look its like Sienna!" during the movie and I just lost it. I was a wreck during the whole movie and tried to hold in my tears but couldn't. The movie reminded me of her so much and letting of the balloons at her grave and we talked about making it a tradition to let off balloons on her birthday every year. Anyways I was a wreck the rest of the new year cause we went back to my in laws and all the boys were playing video games while the girls were taking care of their brand new babies. That was the last straw. I couldn't be there anymore. It was like someone had ripped my heart out as I was sitting there watching this happen. I had to leave the room immediately cause I couldn't hold the tears back any longer! Quin being the most amazing husband ever followed me and asked what was wrong. I told him it wasn't fair that I had to sit there and feel left out that I didn't have a baby and that the guys were having a great time playing games. He completely understood and took me home and spent the rest of the night with me watching a movie and cuddling. Seriously I couldn't ask for a more amazing husband!!! I am sitting here crying because of how blessed I am to have him.

Anyways I am hoping for a better year and hoping he will get a great job with benefits so that I can get pregnant again. I started an 8 week program that will keep my occupied until then. I am excited for this year and for what it has to hold. I know it can't be worst then last year at least lets hope and pray it won't be:)!

Merry Christmas Sienna!

We went to see Sienna on the 23rd seeing that we are so busy the rest of this weekend. My mother and father in law came and brought pink flowers for her grave. They are so cute and I love that they are pink. I have surprisingly been doing okay today. I have had moments where my eyes would tear up but I think Sienna has been with me today to help me through this weekend. I can definitely feel her around and she is helping me to get through the holidays. I love you sweet girl!!! You are our true Angel!!

Her grave with the cute pink flowers on it!

Mommy and Daddy loves you Sienna! You will definitely be in our hearts this weekend!

It's Not Fair!

I just got a text from my mother in law this morning saying that my sister in law is in the hospital in labor right now. As much as I want to be happy for her I just want to scream at the top of my lungs "ITS NOT FAIR!" Why do I have to be tortured like this. Why did Sienna have to pass away when I should have her in my arms right now while preparing for Christmas. She is suppose to grow up with my two nieces happy and healthy. I am happy for my sister in laws and their beautiful babies but why did I have to go through this the same time they were having theirs. It seriously is killing me. I want to go get something to put on her grave tomorrow but I don't know what and I am nervous to go out in this crazy busy day. Anyways thanks for letting me vent.Ha Ha. I can do this. I am strong. I have to keep telling myself that:) Anyways Merry Christmas everyone! I promise I will try to be more positive but for today I am sad and missing Sienna like crazy!

3 Months

Wow I can't believe it was 3 months ago today that I delivered Sienna. Today has been a little rough for me but I am trying to make it through. This ornament was given to me by my visiting teachers yesterday and I think it is so beautiful. It says "Every life leaves something beautiful behind" I love the saying! Our little family has a tradition of getting each other an ornament that represents what we went through that year. I got a willow tree angel with a heart and I didn't get Sienna one yet so this is a perfect ornament for her. She sure has left many beautiful things behind! And we have received many blessings because of her. She sure is watching over our family. I am dreading Christmas Day cause I know it will be hard without her especially with seeing my family and their brand new babies but I am trying to prepare myself for that day. I want to think of something I can do in honor of her that day. One BLM mother had mentioned to carry around a stuffed animal that day so it is like carrying my daughter around. I may carry her bear that was made out of the fabric she was held in. That bear is so precious to me and I don't want to get it dirty but it may help to have it with me on special days like that. Also I really need to start on her patch blanket out of the rest of the left over fabric from the bear but I seem to have so many projects that I am in the middle of that that has been put on the back burner.

I also have had questions about fixing up my blog and maybe some of you amazing moms that have amazing blogs can help me. I am wanting to make my template into 3 columns so I can put stuff on both sides of what I post cause I have so much that I want to add to this blog plus I also want to have the headings up top where I can put a tab for Sienna's story and a few other things so it is easier for people to read. Can you please e-mail me at teresafarmer13@msn.com or comment on how I can improve my blog. I am dumb when it comes to being creative so I need help. Thanks!

Decorating the Grave

We went to Sienna's grave about a week ago and put a little Joy decoration on it. I love pink and stars so I loved this decoration. Every time Gavin sees something pink he always says "Its pink like Sienna!" and he always says it with great excitement. He takes great honor in his sister which I love. He woke up the other day and told me that Sienna told him that she wants her lamby back so he hasn't been as attached to it cause I guess its Sienna's now and he wants to give it to her. It is amazing the things he says about her and the conversations I guess they have that he tells me about. He was doing awesome potty training but now has had accidents a lot but I bet it is because of the stress I have had during the holidays. It has been really hard for me but I try to put on a happy face. I have been happy for the most part but when I start talking about Sienna to people that is when I loose it. It is so good for me to talk about her to people but I feel like some people are like "Shut up already I am sick of hearing about her and you should be over her by now!" but I am happy to have recently found a group of BLM's (baby loss mommas) that have helped me so much and it gives me so much comfort to read their stories and to know that I am not alone. A lot of them have lost babies years ago and still have days that they just want to cry and be mad at the world so I am so happy to know that I can turn to them for comfort cause they know exactly what I am going through. I have had great support with everyone but honestly you never know what a mother goes through who has lost a child until you have gone through it. As hard as it has been to loose Sienna I have been so blessed to have met so many amazing women who have done amazing things in honor of their babies they have lost. I am trying to find something I can do in honor of Sienna but for now I am working on this marathon once my knee heals. And I am still working on my healing process but I want to help out any way I can to mothers who have lost babies too.

Gavin looks a little silly in this picture cause as you can see he was in the middle of eating a cookie when I took a picture of him.

Gav and Daddy with Sienna

Our decoration with her marking. It will have to do for now until we get a headstone.

I love you Sienna! I look happy here but 5 minutes after this I was a basket case and couldn't stop crying. I just miss my baby!

Sienna's Tree

We got a call yesterday from Quin's brother saying that there is a tree at festival of trees for Sienna and Quin told me and I told him I am sure it is a tree that one of the moms that lost a baby this year did for all the moms that have lost a baby so I didn't think much of it. Then about a half hour later we got a call from his dad saying that Quin's brother and his wife made a tree for Sienna. I all of a sudden got upset that no one told me cause I had such a busy afternoon and that was the last day of festival of trees so we dropped everything and rushed over to see it. I immediately started crying when I saw it. It was so beautiful. I couldn't believe my in laws would do that especially since they are struggling with money right now and just had a baby. I was so sad it was sold and wish someone told me about it earlier then I would have gone the first day and bought it but I hope whoever got it enjoys it. We ended up spending 3 hours at the festival of trees and I ended up not caring about the other plans I had that day. It was a great day and it was also sad to see how many people have lost loved ones that year but the trees they made for them were beautiful.
I found out in my ward today that a women just found out that her baby isn't going to make it. It sounded like her baby boy had a lot of the same problems Sienna had but our relief society leader told us she wants to stay private about it and doesn't want to talk about it and that was hard for me cause I wanted to run up to that lady and just cry with her cause I know how she feels. All the emotions of what I went through the day I found out we can't take Sienna home with us flooded over me today. My heart breaks for her and for the week she has to face as she delivers him and has his graveside service. Please keep her in your prayers as she will have a hard week ahead of her.
I have been doing a better lately with my emotions. I have been trying to focus more on other people and helping them out that it helps me forget about my trials. I injured my knee and can't run for 3 weeks which has been hard but I have been so busy with the holidays that it hasn't bothered me too much. I love the spirit of Christmas and wish we all kept it going throughout the year. It makes me so grateful to be apart of the LDS church and to know the things I know so I can return to Sienna. I have felt her spirit a lot this time of year which has helped me too.

My sister in laws mom sewed the tree skirt and that is the same kind of fabric that Sienna's bear was made out of and I love how they had the lamby there too.

Us in front of the tree.

The tree was so beautiful! It had pink balls, angels, and lamb ornaments on it.