My Miracle

So I saw this quote the other day when I was at the parade of homes and couldn't help but think of my sweet Sienna...

"Such a BIG miracle in such a LITTLE girl!"

She is a miracle in more ways than I know right now and even though she isn't here on this earth with us I can feel her spirit with me all the time. That picture is of Quin's hand with Sienna wrapped around her finger and I know she is cause his appendix almost burst last week and you could tell she was with him through it all even his surgery. She has sure been watching over us and IS apart of this family. I am lucky to have her!

Brownie

Before

After

Meet "Brownie"! She is my comfort blanket. The pink squares are the fabric we had left over from what Sienna was wrapped in and what we had left of the bear they made. I am glad they gave me back the scraps so I could make this blanket( with a ton and I mean a ton of help from my amazing mother!) If you are wondering why I call it Brownie. Well if most of you don't know Sienna means a reddish brownish color. I know that is sad that my daughter is named after a color but I am obsessed with chocolate and especially brownies and it is my comfort so I decided to name my blanket brownie.

I have it draped over a rocking chair in our spare room (hopefully it will be a babies room someday) And every night I read a book to Gavin in that rocking chair and he asks to be wrapped in the "Sienna blanket".

Sienna's 1 year in heaven is coming up in over a month and I have had a lot of break downs as I prepare myself for that day and that blanket has brought me comfort cause as I wrap myself in it it is almost as if she is wrapping her arms around me.

If any of you have any suggestions on what things I can do for her 1 year in heaven I would love to hear. I am planning on doing a balloon release and making her a little cake to put on her grave. But I want to do more but can't think of much right now.

Finding Peace

I am starting to find more peace and blessings through loosing Sienna. I have definitely felt her spirit with me a lot especially when I attend the temple. I know her mission isn't over and she is performing it here on this earth. She has blessed my life in many ways. I feel like I am doing okay through some of this but today was one of those days that I missed her so dearly.

I just woke up this morning and ached for her. And it ended up putting me in a bad mood this morning which I feel bad my family had to deal with that. But I felt that it would be okay cause church always makes me feel better. Well sitting in Sacrament today and listening to the testimonies one girl got up and talked about how she almost lost her son a week and a half ago due to be backed into with a car and she talked about how it was the most painful day of her life but yet she never felt that close to the Savior. Well that is when I lost it and all the emotions from the day she was taken from me flooded me as I was sitting there in church. I tried to pull myself together but the pain just overcame me yet I felt a peace to it. And as that girl was giving her testimony she was talking about how these trials have to happen for certain purposes and we may not know the reason or understand but there are miracles and blessings that come from that. As I was listening to that I was looking back on this past year and the things we have been blessed with through this trial.

• Me and Quin have grown closer and have cleaved unto each other through it.
• I hold Gavin a little tighter and try to be a better mother
• We have had an immense amount of love and support and prayers.
• I have had great health and so has my family
• Quin got blessed with a better job
• I have made some amazing friends
• My testimony has grown
• I have a closer relationship with my heavenly father
• I have not wanted to make a mistake and try harder to be better
• I have a special angel in my house now
• I can now help those that have trials cause I can understand

And that is just a small amount of the blessings that we have received. And that is what I need to look at. But today I just missed her and I know that is normal and days like this will come and go but at the close of sacrament we sang a song called "More Holiness Give Me" and I will write the words for those who haven't heard it. As I was singing this song I was bawling cause I felt like that song was meant for me with what I have gone through...

More holiness give me, More strivings within

More patience in suffering, More sorrow for sin,

More faith in my Savior, More sense of his care,

More joy in his service, More purpose in prayer.

More gratitude give me, More trust in the Lord,

More pride in his glory, More hope in his word,

More tears for his sorrows, More pain at his grief,

More meekness in trial, More praise for relief.

More purity give me, More strength to overcome,

More freedom from earth stains, More longing for home.

More fit for the kingdom, More used would I be,

More blessed and holy, More Savior like me.

And as I sang that I felt like the last verse was sung through Sienna's eyes and it was like she was speaking to me and telling me she is pure now and away from the stains of this earth but yet she longs to be home with us she is more fit for heaven cause she can be used more there and that she is more blessed and holy like our Savior.

And I finally started feeling more at peace. Relief Society today I felt was lead toward me cause it was about how we spend our time and we read a scripture that by doing the small and simple things that greater things will come about and I know that it really is that simple. If I spend time with my family, reading the scriptures, attending the temple, and on my knees praying then I know everything will fall into place.

I miss my sweet daughter but I am finally understanding her purpose in life now and I am HONORED to be her mother. I sometimes feel unworthy to have a perfect child that was too perfect for this earth but at the same time I feel blessed cause of what she has done for me and helping me to be the woman I am today.

I love you Sienna!!!

Memorial Day

I was telling Quin on Memorial Day that although it is hard and sad, I love that I have a place to go on Memorial Day and I love that it is 2 minutes from our house. We went and bought her some cute pink flowers and we each put one on her grave. It was so beautiful for there and the flags made it feel so special. I definitely feel the spirit when I am there and it makes me enjoy being there more. I also love how excited Gavin gets to go. I honestly believe he has a great relationship with his little sister already and I love seeing the big brother come out of him. It was a beautiful day to be there and I look forward to going every year.

Gavin with his little sister. Can't you just see the love he has for her through those eyes?!

Family photo

All her decorations. There was a pot of orchids on her headstone that I have no clue who put them there but I went there this afternoon and they were gone so it makes me wonder if someone put them on the wrong headstone.

The cemetery looked beautiful with all the flags and flowers.

Running with my Angel

Our fam. We made shirts that said Team Sienna and on mine it said Mommy Loves You! Quin's said Daddy Loves You! and Gavin's said Big Brother Loves You! We also had a picture of her cute feet on there.

My mother in law and Quin's aunt who ran with us. They were such great support!

Last Saturday there was a 5k called Running with Angels and the proceeds went to Angel Watch and they are a group that helped me and Quin prepare for Sienna to come. They helped with the funeral and even gave us some counseling in time of need. They are an amazing group! The race took place at the Thanksgiving Gardens. It was so beautiful. I have never been there and I loved it. I wasn't planning on getting a good time for the race so I just did a nice jog the whole time and Quin was awesome to keep up with me. Right before the finish line we picked up Gavin and my mom gave us some balloons that we ran across the finish line with and then let the balloons go. It was such a beautiful race and we finished in 32 minutes. I had about 20 people supporting us and joined us for the race. I did a team called Team Sienna and we had a lot of people there. It was definitely a spiritual race and pretty emotional. I could feel Sienna with me there and I loved it. I only got 2 pictures of the race cause my dad took all the pictures so I will have to get more from him.

Sienna's Headstone

Sienna's headstone got laid last Thursday just before Mothers Day which was perfect. My brother in law works for a granite company so he provided the granite slab and him and my sister paid for it. They even picked out what it would like like on front so it would be a surprise and I absolutely love it. It is so perfect! I love that they put the lamb on it and the picture of her feet is the exact replica of her cute little feet. If you look closely it even has a ring that she had in her picture. I have already gone and seen it 3 times since it was put it. I love it so much and it is so nice that her grave is finally complete. Mothers day was a little hard but I felt her spirit with me so much that I was able to make it through the day without breaking down. Time is definitely healing me cause I have noticed that I am starting to do better then I was a month ago.

My healing project

So for forever I have been wanting to make a patch blanket out of the left over material that Sienna was wrapped in and I finally bought the material to make the blanket. The pink material is what is the left over stuff and the patch material will be the front of the blanket and the back of the blanket I will do a pattern with the white and pink material. I am very excited about this. I have never sewn a blanket but I have an amazing patient mom who will teach me. I will post pictures when I am done. Hopefully I will finish it in the next couple of weeks.

I have been struggling on and off for the past month and a half but I am trying to do projects to keep myself busy. I think I have too many projects that I have wanted to do that it is becoming overwhelming but I am starting one at a time. I have a memory box that I just bought to put all of Sienna's stuff in it and I want to decorate it a little more. But I am not babysitting my niece anymore which I think will help me heal a little bit cause it was hard watching her cause she reminded me of Sienna so much. Conference also helped me to an extent but I know it won't heal me overnight. There were some great talks that gave me peace and comfort though.

I am just taking it a day at a time now. And learning to love my new normal. Loosing Sienna has changed me forever and it is hard cause I am not the spunky happy person all the time and I have lost some friends cause they just don't know what to say around me anymore which is sad but I have also gained some amazing friends who have helped me along the way. This is who I am now. I am a mother who has lost a child and I will never be the same and I am grateful for those who have accepted me for who I am now. I am trying to find ways to pay it forward in honor of Sienna so that is another project I am searching for. I am looking forward to having a rainbow baby and can't wait to find out when I am pregnant. But for now I will take baby steps to healing.