The joys a kick can bring

Since my grandma passed away Monday night I hadn't felt Sienna move inside of me. Today I laid on my bed for over an hour holding my stomach hoping I would feel her and I felt nothing. Then I started thinking she probably passed away with my grandma. I have 2 doctors and my main one called me today after talking to the other doctor to make sure they were on the same page. She confirmed that they think Sienna will pass away before full term and they said I have an option to deliver her early but they don't know if she will survive long after that and I could just hold her and let her pass away in my arms or I could try to go full term and deliver by primary children's hospital so they can take her as soon as I have her and see if there is any chance for her but that is if I even make it to full term. I had an appointment at the salon tonight which was hard for me to go after hearing the news again that my child won't make it and crying my eyes out again but I knew it would be good for me to go and do what I love. I am glad I went cause my client was a sweet nurse who was so comforting and talked about all the miracles that do happen. I do believe in miracles but I don't want to get my hopes up. I am planning on Sienna passing away and have already started the grieving process. I know it is in heavenly fathers plan and he knows what is best for her. But after my appointment tonight I sat as I read e-mails and I felt kick after kick from Sienna, it was like her telling me she is still here for now. It seems like she moves more when I am happy and relaxed so my goal is to enjoy her while I can cause every kick I feel from her is a miracle.

She will always be in my heart

Well the call I have been waiting for all weekend came today. My sweet Sienna won't be making it to our home. They said the only thing they can do is just monitor me more closely but she will eventually pass away. I am meeting with the doctor next week to talk about my options which I am sure are abort the baby or they can monitor her until she goes. She also said that I can stick with my original doctor until she passes. This has been really really hard for me but I know she is so perfect that she needed a body and that was it. I know heavenly father has a plan for her up in heaven. I know it will be a great reunion when I get to see her again. My grandma passed away last night and I am happy that my grandma can be with her right now. I want to say thank you to all you fabulous DS mothers for the love and support you have given me through this hard time. Now it is just a waiting game to see how long she will last. I will always love Sienna and she will always be my daughter. I will let everyone know when she passes. I have had a feeling since Sunday that she wasn't going to make it so I was preparing myself for this call. I know it will take me a while to get through this healing process but she has a mission to fulfill up in heaven. I love you Sienna and I can't wait to see you on the other side.

Why am I feeling like this?!

Since yesterday I have had a feeling that my baby is not going to live. I haven't heard from the doctor yet so it has made my mind wander for the worst. I have seen people that are due around the same time as me and they have a big belly where I still look like I over did it with the chocolate which I have with the emotions going. I keep wondering what if I look chunky instead of pregnant because my baby isn't growing at all. I had a lady at my salon tell me my face looks like it has filled out and I know it isn't from being pregnant it is from emotional eating. Then I have started to blame myself for the reason my baby is like this becuase I ran a half marathon when I was 10 weeks pregnant and it has been hard to not run since cause that is how I get rid of my stress. I have been so scared. My hope is starting to fade. Why hasn't my doctor called me when the cardiologist said this is really concerning and they need to do something about it asap. I have called 3 doctors trying to get an answer and I haven't gotten it yet and I have left 2 messages. I just want to know why she isn't growing and if there is a chance. I don't dare buy a thing for Sienna until I have her here safe and sound and then I keep thinking about delivering a dead baby and how I am going to handle that. I want these feelings to go away but it seems like they won't until I hear from a doctor to tell me they can fix it. Sorry about the negative post but I just need to let it out. I feel like everyone elses world is going on around mine when I am stuck waiting to see if she will live. I miss being happy all the time and I am sick of this pit in my stomach. I just hope it goes away soon.

Heart Update

First off I just want to say thank you for all the comments that I have received. I am so overwhelmed by how many mothers are out there going through the same thing as me and it brings such great comfort. I know that I have people that I can turn to now for so much help and support.
Today we went and visited with the pediatric cardiologist to check out Sienna's heart. They lady took an hour doing the ultrasound and took 150 pictures of her heart. After that the doctor came in and told us that she has an AV Canal Defect which is very common in kids with down syndrome. He said that the success rate of these heart surgery's have been great and Sienna would have a normal delivery and we would come back when she is 6 months for her to have open heart surgery to fix that. After he gave us the good news he then proceeded to the bad news.
As I said in my previous posts that her growth has been decreasing. Well the doctor told us that it isn't because of the heart defect cause that shouldn't cause her to slow down her growth. He said there is something wrong with the placenta and the umbilical chord and our baby isn't getting the nutrients she needs. He said that is a great concern and there isn't much he can tell us about that area because he just works on the heart. He sent out letters to both my doctors and said they should be calling me within the next couple of days.
I have no clue what my doctor is going to tell me or if they are going to put me on bed rest but it is scary cause once we find out one thing is fine it seems like there is something else that is wrong. I am so scared and I hope there is a way that they can get nutrients to her or she could die cause she isn't growing. I feel so numb from all the news right now and I am sure it is going to hit me tomorrow after my doctor calls and I will have another break down. I hate waiting to find things out I just want to know everything now so that I can sleep easy and get through this.
On the positive side my cute little 2 year old has been hilarious today and has really kept our spirits up. I swear an angel told him to lift up his parents through these hard times cause he really knows how to cheer us up when we are sad. I don't know what I would do without him. I know he was sent her to get us through these hard times.
Now I just have to wait and I will update when I found out what the next step is to keep Sienna strong.

My True Feelings

After I got over the fact that Sienna has a chance to live then everything hit me. I got so overwhelmed by what I am going to do, how I am going to raise her, is she going to be made fun of cause she is different, etc etc. I had a major break down the day after I found out. I couldn't breath I was crying so hard. Everything became a reality. I have two sister in laws who are having healthy girls around the time that I am and I am scared because my girl will be slower then them. When they hit their milestones it will still take Sienna another year to hit hers and I wonder if she won't be as good as friends with her cousins because she will be slower. It just has scared me so much then my friend sent my a blog address with people who are going through exactly what I am going through and I spent hours reading blog after blog of these mothers with the same down syndrome child and I started to feel better. There is hope out there. These down syndrome children are such special spirits. All they need is a body and they are so perfect. Sienna's mission on this earth will be to come down and bless the lives of others because she is so perfect she won't have to be tested. She is here for us.
I feel so overwhelmed by the spirit and that heavenly father trusts me and my husband to raise such a precious daughter of his. And I have had people that say we are special to have someone so perfect come down to us and I feel so unworthy for him to have chosen us. She will be a great blessing in our lives and she will have a big brother who will be her major protector.
I know our journey will be challenging but so rewarding. I just want to get her here safe and sound.

Her Name

Since I found out that our daughter has downs I wanted to get a name for her so it seemed more real to me. I kept looking at names but the only name I could think of was Sienna which my husband heard on his mission. He baptized a little girl who was 11 with that name and has loved it ever since and ever since he told me he liked that name it stuck with me too and I can't think of anything better for her. Her middle name will be Marie after me which is my middle name. It feels so much better to have a name for her.

Our Journey

So I have read a lot of peoples blogs with kids with down syndrome and I want to be apart of the blogging community with these sweet spirits and I want them to know my story too. I am 25 weeks pregnant and I found out a week ago that our little girl has down syndrome. It all started out at my 20 week ultrasound when they had a hard time seeing the 4 chambers of the heart and said my baby is measuring a month smaller then my due date and has decreased in her growth so they sent me over to a nicer hospital with nicer machines to get a closer look. There they did another ultrasound and found out there was something wrong with the heart. The 4 chambers were not connecting in her heart and her growth still was decreasing. A specialist then came in and told us it could be one of three things which were trisomy 13, 18, and 21. She said with the 13 and 18 the baby had no chance to survive and if it was the 21 then she would have down syndrome.
They said they were hoping it was just a heart defect that they could fix cause they said she doesn't look like she is downs that it is just her heart or she may die. They then asked if I wanted to take a test of my amniotic fluid to find out what it was so I said yes and the results came back 4 days later saying she has downs. My doctor kept apologizing but all I kept saying is "So there is a chance she will live??" and she said yes and at that moment that was all I cared about. I just wanted this baby to live. The specialist then called me that night and said she still has a small chance to live cause she is so tiny. But I have had so many prayers in behalf of my baby that I feel like there is great hope she will make it. If there is anyone out there with a kids with downs can you please help me through this journey since I don't know anything about it and am scared.