My healing project

So for forever I have been wanting to make a patch blanket out of the left over material that Sienna was wrapped in and I finally bought the material to make the blanket. The pink material is what is the left over stuff and the patch material will be the front of the blanket and the back of the blanket I will do a pattern with the white and pink material. I am very excited about this. I have never sewn a blanket but I have an amazing patient mom who will teach me. I will post pictures when I am done. Hopefully I will finish it in the next couple of weeks.

I have been struggling on and off for the past month and a half but I am trying to do projects to keep myself busy. I think I have too many projects that I have wanted to do that it is becoming overwhelming but I am starting one at a time. I have a memory box that I just bought to put all of Sienna's stuff in it and I want to decorate it a little more. But I am not babysitting my niece anymore which I think will help me heal a little bit cause it was hard watching her cause she reminded me of Sienna so much. Conference also helped me to an extent but I know it won't heal me overnight. There were some great talks that gave me peace and comfort though.

I am just taking it a day at a time now. And learning to love my new normal. Loosing Sienna has changed me forever and it is hard cause I am not the spunky happy person all the time and I have lost some friends cause they just don't know what to say around me anymore which is sad but I have also gained some amazing friends who have helped me along the way. This is who I am now. I am a mother who has lost a child and I will never be the same and I am grateful for those who have accepted me for who I am now. I am trying to find ways to pay it forward in honor of Sienna so that is another project I am searching for. I am looking forward to having a rainbow baby and can't wait to find out when I am pregnant. But for now I will take baby steps to healing.

A Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes.

I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think

I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes, they are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these Shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in this world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them do they don't hurt quite as much.

some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No Woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Missing her bad!

This is my little Sienna's shrine. I have a shelf with stuff and then this is in a little bookcase but I love that things keep adding to it. That porcelain doll was given to my mom when I was a little girl cause someone said it looked just like me. My mom has had it on her dresser for years and she gave it to me the other day cause she said it now reminded her of Sienna. The doll has angel wings on the back and it is so perfect. It is almost as if heavenly father knew that I needed that doll so he prompted that lady to give it to my mom so that I would receive it someday. This is going to be a downer post but sorry I have had some pretty downer days and I need to let it out.

Well since the beginning of January I felt like I was doing so well. I was so happy I was loosing weight pretty fast, Quin got a new job and things were just going great! Then once Sienna's 6 month mark hit I felt like I have gone downhill. I have gone through all the emotions of being mad that heavenly father took her from me to crying and aching to hold her in my arms just one more time. I babysit my niece everyday and it use to be good therapy for me and now it has been hard cause rocking my niece in the rocking chair in my house makes me so upset that it isn't Sienna and watching my niece is making me want Sienna so bad. I tried to do a new challenge to help me loose weight and I had to throw the challenge out the window cause I couldn't function. Quin had school last night I just laid in bed all night while I let Gav watch cartoons cause I was so depressed. I don't know what has come over me! I don't know if I just haven't had people asking how I am doing anymore or if heavenly father is finally letting me get through this on my own. I have said several prayers to help me be happy again and I have had many people say "Well you are going to be getting pregnant soon so you shouldn't be sad anymore" and that just makes me mad cause no child is going to replace Sienna and yeah having another baby may help in the healing process but it isn't going to make me not want her. I still ache for her so bad and a part of me is mad cause I feel like heavenly father has tortured me with being pregnant with my sister in laws and then he takes my daughter away. I have such a strong testimony of this gospel and I do turn to my Savior for everything but there are times that I just don't understand why this had to happen to me.

I know that I could just be having one of those bad days/weeks but sometimes I just want all the answers right now I know I won't get them for a while. I am so happy that general conference is this weekend cause I am in much need of answers to my prayers. Sorry I am so down but I just had to let it out and hopefully I am not the only one that has felt this way. Hopefully I will have a happier post next time.:)

6 Months Gone

I can't believe it has been 6 months since I said goodbye to my sweet Sienna. It seems like years ago but at the same time it seems like just yesterday. I can't believe how far I have come and grown since I had her. I am now starting to accept it and enjoy the blessings that she has brought into our lives. I feel so blessed to have a daughter like her. This year has been so busy for us and I feel like that is a good thing cause I don't sit and cry everyday. I am surprisingly doing okay until I talked to my mom today and all she asked was how I was doing and I broke down. It is crazy how it can hit you so hard and you loose it.

I want to share an experience since this is my Sienna journal. My little sister went through the temple two weeks ago to receive her endowments and as soon as I stepped into the celestial room Sienna was standing right next to me. I have never felt her that close and it was such an overwhelming amazing feeling. I felt bad cause all my family was standing around talking and I was such an emotional wreck so Quin took me to a couch and we both sat down and held each other. There was a space next to me on the couch so I put my hand down and I felt her hand lay right on top of me. When it was time to go I just starting crying hard cause I didn't want to leave that room. I wanted to be that close to my Sienna. It was like as soon as I stepped out of that room she was gone. She sure is telling me that if I want to be with her I need to go to the temple more often.

Today I have had my ups and downs and I have had some amazing women come visit me. Two of them lost their babies just recently so they understood the pain I was going through today. I am so grateful for the women I have met and the strength that they have given me. I have kept pretty busy. Me and Gav went to the store and picked out flowers for her grave which was so much fun. We took them to her grave this after noon and stayed there for a while. As we are about to leave I tell Gav to say goodbye to Sienna and he runs over to her grave and gives the air a hug and a kiss almost as if she was standing right there. It was so cute and as we were walking to the car he kept saying "I love you Sienna!" I miss my sweet girl so much and I am looking forward to seeing her again!

Gav picked out the pinwheel flower and it was fun to watch him try and put it in the ground.

Such a proud big brother!

Sienna's new decor on her grave.

Wished You Were Here

Dearest Sienna,

We sure did miss you yesterday but for some reason we felt your spirit with us. It was hard as we sat at your cousins baby blessing and wished we were the ones giving you a blessing. It was hard as your daddy turned to me and said "Things like this are hard aren't they?" as his eyes started welling up with tears. That was the first time I had seen him cry since your funeral so I could tell that he was really missing you too. Stuff like that makes me wonder what life would have been like if you were here with us and it just isn't fair sometimes that we don't have you. Your big brother still points at everything pink and says its your favorite color. So I hope pink is your favorite color cause you will have one disappointed big brother;) He looks up to you and I hope you still come see him every now and then. It is hard cause some days I feel like last year never happened and everything is a blur that I have to go look at the pictures of you and know that you exist and that you are my daughter. I have been a horrible mother and haven't visited your grave especially since you are only a couple of minutes from us. Please forgive me sweetheart your mommy is struggling. I have brought a swing upstairs from when I watched your cousin and it is hard every time I pass the room that was suppose to be yours and I can picture you in that swing. I try and keep that door closed cause it hurts sometimes knowing that you were suppose to be here in that room. I know I can be strong but for today I miss you and I wish you were here.

Love,

Your forever Mommy

Hallelujah!!!!

I have never been more excited over anyone getting a job then my husband this last friday. He has been going through an interview process for the past month and around 60 people applied and it was down to two people and Friday was his last interview and HE GOT THE JOB!!!! I started crying I was so excited that FINALLY something good was happening to us! Our life is finally starting to look up. Quin has had a long 4 years in his past job which he got awesome experience which helped him out in getting this job. Everything about his new job is amazing and must I add he will finally have BENEFITS which means we will be able to add another special spirit to our family which I can't not wait for! I know it will still be a few months down the road before I get pregnant but at least I can see that it will be happening soon. I will forever miss our sweet Sienna but I have to add she has given us so many blessings and I know this job is one of them. I am missing her a lot today and it has been a while since I have gone and seen her. I am waiting for this weather to get warmer. I also want to go get her something for her grave. She deserves a present for all she has done for us and we just need to go thank her for helping us be happy again. I love you sweet girl!!! Thanks for everything!!

I love dreams!

I think I read into dreams so much but honestly I feel like it is a way that my heavenly father speaks to me. My grandma visited me in a dream and I just feel like dreams are ways I get many answers to my prayers. Well I had a dream last night that I just have to share so I don't forget it but after I had Sienna I wished so badly that I was able to have some time with her before she passed away. I wished I was able to see the life in her instead of her limp body. That was so hard for me. It was hard for me to read mothers stories that got that and I wished so badly that I could have that. Well I know this sounds weird but last night I dreamt about my delivery and this time she had life in her. I had a dream that I delivered her and she was still alive. The doctor said it was a matter of hours before she passed away and I just remember in my dream her looking up at me and seeing that bond that we had and changing her first/last diaper and just holding her in my arms with her moving. I wanted to cry with excitement when I woke up because in my dreams I was able to hold my baby girl and see her stare back at me. I think heavenly father knew that I wanted that so bad so he made it come true in my dreams. I feel like I got a little bit more closure even after I woke up and yet it made me so baby hungry to hold my own baby in my arms again and see those precious eyes staring back at me. I know I have my son but I try to hold him and cuddle him but can you imagine an almost 3 year old cuddling like that. There is no way except for when he is sleeping. But it just made me so happy that I got to have the bond with my angel in my dreams. I love you sweet girl!!!
I also wanted to share that last weekend as I went on a trip with my husband which was muchly needed I thought to myself as we were driving I am finally starting to feel truly happy again since I have had Sienna. I actually smiled for real instead of forcing it out of me. I actually felt like I will be okay that I can make it and I am seeing the end of this depression and the beginning of my happiness again. I am not going to lie I know I will still have days that I just want to lock myself in my room and cry but I am actually seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Things are starting to move along with Quin's job searching and it is bringing so much more hope to when we can have another beautiful baby.
I am starting to love life again and each day is getting better!:)