Sunday, June 5, 2011

Finding Peace

I am starting to find more peace and blessings through loosing Sienna. I have definitely felt her spirit with me a lot especially when I attend the temple. I know her mission isn't over and she is performing it here on this earth. She has blessed my life in many ways. I feel like I am doing okay through some of this but today was one of those days that I missed her so dearly.
I just woke up this morning and ached for her. And it ended up putting me in a bad mood this morning which I feel bad my family had to deal with that. But I felt that it would be okay cause church always makes me feel better. Well sitting in Sacrament today and listening to the testimonies one girl got up and talked about how she almost lost her son a week and a half ago due to be backed into with a car and she talked about how it was the most painful day of her life but yet she never felt that close to the Savior. Well that is when I lost it and all the emotions from the day she was taken from me flooded me as I was sitting there in church. I tried to pull myself together but the pain just overcame me yet I felt a peace to it. And as that girl was giving her testimony she was talking about how these trials have to happen for certain purposes and we may not know the reason or understand but there are miracles and blessings that come from that. As I was listening to that I was looking back on this past year and the things we have been blessed with through this trial.
  • Me and Quin have grown closer and have cleaved unto each other through it.
  • I hold Gavin a little tighter and try to be a better mother
  • We have had an immense amount of love and support and prayers.
  • I have had great health and so has my family
  • Quin got blessed with a better job
  • I have made some amazing friends
  • My testimony has grown
  • I have a closer relationship with my heavenly father
  • I have not wanted to make a mistake and try harder to be better
  • I have a special angel in my house now
  • I can now help those that have trials cause I can understand
And that is just a small amount of the blessings that we have received. And that is what I need to look at. But today I just missed her and I know that is normal and days like this will come and go but at the close of sacrament we sang a song called "More Holiness Give Me" and I will write the words for those who haven't heard it. As I was singing this song I was bawling cause I felt like that song was meant for me with what I have gone through...

More holiness give me, More strivings within
More patience in suffering, More sorrow for sin,
More faith in my Savior, More sense of his care,
More joy in his service, More purpose in prayer.

More gratitude give me, More trust in the Lord,
More pride in his glory, More hope in his word,
More tears for his sorrows, More pain at his grief,
More meekness in trial, More praise for relief.

More purity give me, More strength to overcome,
More freedom from earth stains, More longing for home.
More fit for the kingdom, More used would I be,
More blessed and holy, More Savior like me.

And as I sang that I felt like the last verse was sung through Sienna's eyes and it was like she was speaking to me and telling me she is pure now and away from the stains of this earth but yet she longs to be home with us she is more fit for heaven cause she can be used more there and that she is more blessed and holy like our Savior.

And I finally started feeling more at peace. Relief Society today I felt was lead toward me cause it was about how we spend our time and we read a scripture that by doing the small and simple things that greater things will come about and I know that it really is that simple. If I spend time with my family, reading the scriptures, attending the temple, and on my knees praying then I know everything will fall into place.
I miss my sweet daughter but I am finally understanding her purpose in life now and I am HONORED to be her mother. I sometimes feel unworthy to have a perfect child that was too perfect for this earth but at the same time I feel blessed cause of what she has done for me and helping me to be the woman I am today.
I love you Sienna!!!

Memorial Day

I was telling Quin on Memorial Day that although it is hard and sad, I love that I have a place to go on Memorial Day and I love that it is 2 minutes from our house. We went and bought her some cute pink flowers and we each put one on her grave. It was so beautiful for there and the flags made it feel so special. I definitely feel the spirit when I am there and it makes me enjoy being there more. I also love how excited Gavin gets to go. I honestly believe he has a great relationship with his little sister already and I love seeing the big brother come out of him. It was a beautiful day to be there and I look forward to going every year.

Gavin with his little sister. Can't you just see the love he has for her through those eyes?!

Family photo

All her decorations. There was a pot of orchids on her headstone that I have no clue who put them there but I went there this afternoon and they were gone so it makes me wonder if someone put them on the wrong headstone.

The cemetery looked beautiful with all the flags and flowers.