Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas Sienna!

We went to see Sienna on the 23rd seeing that we are so busy the rest of this weekend. My mother and father in law came and brought pink flowers for her grave. They are so cute and I love that they are pink. I have surprisingly been doing okay today. I have had moments where my eyes would tear up but I think Sienna has been with me today to help me through this weekend. I can definitely feel her around and she is helping me to get through the holidays. I love you sweet girl!!! You are our true Angel!!

Her grave with the cute pink flowers on it!

Mommy and Daddy loves you Sienna! You will definitely be in our hearts this weekend!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

It's Not Fair!

I just got a text from my mother in law this morning saying that my sister in law is in the hospital in labor right now. As much as I want to be happy for her I just want to scream at the top of my lungs "ITS NOT FAIR!" Why do I have to be tortured like this. Why did Sienna have to pass away when I should have her in my arms right now while preparing for Christmas. She is suppose to grow up with my two nieces happy and healthy. I am happy for my sister in laws and their beautiful babies but why did I have to go through this the same time they were having theirs. It seriously is killing me. I want to go get something to put on her grave tomorrow but I don't know what and I am nervous to go out in this crazy busy day. Anyways thanks for letting me vent.Ha Ha. I can do this. I am strong. I have to keep telling myself that:) Anyways Merry Christmas everyone! I promise I will try to be more positive but for today I am sad and missing Sienna like crazy!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

3 Months

Wow I can't believe it was 3 months ago today that I delivered Sienna. Today has been a little rough for me but I am trying to make it through. This ornament was given to me by my visiting teachers yesterday and I think it is so beautiful. It says "Every life leaves something beautiful behind" I love the saying! Our little family has a tradition of getting each other an ornament that represents what we went through that year. I got a willow tree angel with a heart and I didn't get Sienna one yet so this is a perfect ornament for her. She sure has left many beautiful things behind! And we have received many blessings because of her. She sure is watching over our family. I am dreading Christmas Day cause I know it will be hard without her especially with seeing my family and their brand new babies but I am trying to prepare myself for that day. I want to think of something I can do in honor of her that day. One BLM mother had mentioned to carry around a stuffed animal that day so it is like carrying my daughter around. I may carry her bear that was made out of the fabric she was held in. That bear is so precious to me and I don't want to get it dirty but it may help to have it with me on special days like that. Also I really need to start on her patch blanket out of the rest of the left over fabric from the bear but I seem to have so many projects that I am in the middle of that that has been put on the back burner.
I also have had questions about fixing up my blog and maybe some of you amazing moms that have amazing blogs can help me. I am wanting to make my template into 3 columns so I can put stuff on both sides of what I post cause I have so much that I want to add to this blog plus I also want to have the headings up top where I can put a tab for Sienna's story and a few other things so it is easier for people to read. Can you please e-mail me at or comment on how I can improve my blog. I am dumb when it comes to being creative so I need help. Thanks!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Decorating the Grave

We went to Sienna's grave about a week ago and put a little Joy decoration on it. I love pink and stars so I loved this decoration. Every time Gavin sees something pink he always says "Its pink like Sienna!" and he always says it with great excitement. He takes great honor in his sister which I love. He woke up the other day and told me that Sienna told him that she wants her lamby back so he hasn't been as attached to it cause I guess its Sienna's now and he wants to give it to her. It is amazing the things he says about her and the conversations I guess they have that he tells me about. He was doing awesome potty training but now has had accidents a lot but I bet it is because of the stress I have had during the holidays. It has been really hard for me but I try to put on a happy face. I have been happy for the most part but when I start talking about Sienna to people that is when I loose it. It is so good for me to talk about her to people but I feel like some people are like "Shut up already I am sick of hearing about her and you should be over her by now!" but I am happy to have recently found a group of BLM's (baby loss mommas) that have helped me so much and it gives me so much comfort to read their stories and to know that I am not alone. A lot of them have lost babies years ago and still have days that they just want to cry and be mad at the world so I am so happy to know that I can turn to them for comfort cause they know exactly what I am going through. I have had great support with everyone but honestly you never know what a mother goes through who has lost a child until you have gone through it. As hard as it has been to loose Sienna I have been so blessed to have met so many amazing women who have done amazing things in honor of their babies they have lost. I am trying to find something I can do in honor of Sienna but for now I am working on this marathon once my knee heals. And I am still working on my healing process but I want to help out any way I can to mothers who have lost babies too.

Gavin looks a little silly in this picture cause as you can see he was in the middle of eating a cookie when I took a picture of him.

Gav and Daddy with Sienna

Our decoration with her marking. It will have to do for now until we get a headstone.

I love you Sienna! I look happy here but 5 minutes after this I was a basket case and couldn't stop crying. I just miss my baby!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Sienna's Tree

We got a call yesterday from Quin's brother saying that there is a tree at festival of trees for Sienna and Quin told me and I told him I am sure it is a tree that one of the moms that lost a baby this year did for all the moms that have lost a baby so I didn't think much of it. Then about a half hour later we got a call from his dad saying that Quin's brother and his wife made a tree for Sienna. I all of a sudden got upset that no one told me cause I had such a busy afternoon and that was the last day of festival of trees so we dropped everything and rushed over to see it. I immediately started crying when I saw it. It was so beautiful. I couldn't believe my in laws would do that especially since they are struggling with money right now and just had a baby. I was so sad it was sold and wish someone told me about it earlier then I would have gone the first day and bought it but I hope whoever got it enjoys it. We ended up spending 3 hours at the festival of trees and I ended up not caring about the other plans I had that day. It was a great day and it was also sad to see how many people have lost loved ones that year but the trees they made for them were beautiful.
I found out in my ward today that a women just found out that her baby isn't going to make it. It sounded like her baby boy had a lot of the same problems Sienna had but our relief society leader told us she wants to stay private about it and doesn't want to talk about it and that was hard for me cause I wanted to run up to that lady and just cry with her cause I know how she feels. All the emotions of what I went through the day I found out we can't take Sienna home with us flooded over me today. My heart breaks for her and for the week she has to face as she delivers him and has his graveside service. Please keep her in your prayers as she will have a hard week ahead of her.
I have been doing a better lately with my emotions. I have been trying to focus more on other people and helping them out that it helps me forget about my trials. I injured my knee and can't run for 3 weeks which has been hard but I have been so busy with the holidays that it hasn't bothered me too much. I love the spirit of Christmas and wish we all kept it going throughout the year. It makes me so grateful to be apart of the LDS church and to know the things I know so I can return to Sienna. I have felt her spirit a lot this time of year which has helped me too.

My sister in laws mom sewed the tree skirt and that is the same kind of fabric that Sienna's bear was made out of and I love how they had the lamby there too.

Us in front of the tree.

The tree was so beautiful! It had pink balls, angels, and lamb ornaments on it.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Being Happy!

I am happy to say that I am doing better except for this dang cold that I have that is taking forever to go away. Thanks everyone for the comments you left on my venting post. I felt bad that I sounded so depressed but it made me feel better to let it all out. Like I said a lot of people thought I had it all together but I am good at putting on a happy face even when I am down. I am nervous for these holidays and don't know how they will affect me but it seems like I will have a busy month and a half so hopefully I won't have a ton of time to dwell on my feelings.
The reasoning of why I have been doing better is because I have had promptings every week that I need to go to the temple since I have had Sienna and I finally got around to it last weekend and I went with my mom. I did initiatories and I haven't done those since I first went through the temple to get my endowments done so it was amazing to hear the blessings. But as I was standing in one of the rooms before the worker came and got me. The spirit just overwhelmed me and I felt Sienna standing right next to me. I can't explain the amazing feeling that overcame me. And as I was standing there by myself I could almost hear her saying that everything will be okay and that she loved me so much. After that I lost it and I was crying through the whole session because of the joy that I felt from feeling my daughters spirit in the temple that day.
I am so grateful for the gospel and don't know how I could make it through this trial without it. Yeah I have my days like the day that I wrote my venting post but since I went to the temple I feel like I am able to get through this a little bit better. After I finished the session and walked out and say my mom standing there in white it made me cry cause it made me think of how amazing it will be the day I pass away and walk through the veil and see Sienna standing there on the other side waiting for me. I can't wait for that day and know it will be such an amazing reunion!
I know that she is preparing our other children to come down to this earth and I hope that they will all be healthy cause it will be hard for me to loose another one. I am running a 10k this Thanksgiving and I wasn't going to do it cause I have been sick with a cold but as soon as I thought about that I thought about Sienna fighting for her life even though she was sick inside of me so I had to sign up cause even if I am sick I will fight my hardest to get through this race cause Sienna is a fighter and I want her to know that her mommy is a fighter too and this is my first race to prove to her that I can fight for her and accomplish a great goal. My goal is to finish it in an hour and I hope I can do that. Every race I do in the next year I know I will be thinking of Sienna through the steps, sweat, and tears and I am dedicating every race to her. I love you sweet girl and I hope you are there cheering for me;)!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


Wow today has pretty much sucked that is all I have to say. Today is one of those days that I am just so mad at the world. I am so mad that I can't have my baby in my arms right now. And I am mad that money controls our lives and that we are running out of it.
It all started with Sunday being my due date and all I wanted to do was lay in bed all day and cry my eyes out but I went to church which was great but still like I said Sundays are always the worst days for me cause I think of Sienna the most and then I had to talk my husband into going to see her grave that day. He felt bad because we didn't have anything to bring to it so I had Gavin bring his picture that he colored in Nursery of jesus with a boy and a girl. So we set it on her grave with two rocks and I am sure the picture is gone now with the wind and rain we have had the past couple of days. Then we headed over to my in laws which I didn't want to go at all cause my sister in laws are pregnant and I honestly did not want to be around them that day. It wasn't their fault it just made things worse. And when we got there they were talking about being pregnant which I don't blame them but I had to keep going to the bathroom so I can cry and then try and come out acting like I was fine with everything. Overall it was a crappy Sunday and I cried myself to sleep while my husband played video games.
Yesterday wasn't so bad but it stressed me out cause we have to get new phones and I have been slow at work so therefor we don't have much money right now especially with Quin's job slowing down and he has been applying to a ton of places but we haven't heard back from anywhere. So I am extremely stressed about money right now and I hate that it controls our lives especially since all I want is a baby right now but we can't cause we don't have benifits anymore.
And I have been trying to keep my mind off of wanting a baby so bad by running but mother nature decided to make me sick so now I don't have running to get my stress off so that is why I am writing about all my problems right now. Plus I have to starve myself all day long cause I have life insurance coming over for the 3rd time tonight to take my blood cause they haven't been able to find my viens the past two times and I have to fast all day so that is making things worse.
So for today my life sucks and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnell. So I am sorry for those that are reading this but I just have to vent. I don't know how I am going to get through these holidays but I will just have to take baby steps and that is hard to think of taking baby steps cause all I want is a baby. Its just not fair. I am so jealous of so many people right now especially the ones with newborns or who are having babies.
I am sorry if I offended anyone, I am not meaning too. I just don't think I will be completely happy until I have another baby inside of me but who knows when that will ever happen.
Hopefully my next post will be a more positive one especially once I get food inside of me:) There now I feel a little better now that I let everything out.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

What can you do?

Here is another post that I read about on Honoring our Angels. She listed do's and don't's on what to say to people that are going through a loss of a child. I have had such amazing support but at the same time I have had some people tell me things that just made me think "Did you really just say that to me?!" But overall everyone has been so amazing to me and my family. This has been an extremely rough week for me. I use to have just one break down a week but this week I have been having them everyday if not a few times a day. Sienna's due date is Sunday and it has been hard for me to not get mad that I can't be having a happy healthy little girl right now. I have been craving babies lately. So if anyone has a baby I would love to watch and hold them cause that has brought me the most comfort at this time. All I have been wanting this week is a baby. It has been hard to focus on the house, on my running, and on eating better. I tried to start the hcg today but after half a day a lost it. It was hard and I didn't think I could put another stress on my plate so that will have to hold off until I can be a little bit happier for now I will just have to enjoy my muffin top. Plus food is my comfort right now and I know that is bad but it just is. Anyways read this post and hope it will help to know what to do to people in the future who are grieving. I know that from this experience I know what things to say to people and how to help them cause I have gone through the same thing.

What is the best question you can ask a bereaved parent?
Answer: How are you REALLY doing since your child died?
(use the child's name)


  • Do ask, "How are you REALLY doing?"
  • Do remember that you can't take away their pain, but you can share it and help them feel less alone.
  • Do let your genuine concern and care show.
  • Do call the child by name.
  • Do treat the couple equally. Fathers need as much support as mothers.
  • Do be listen, to run errands, to drive, help with the other children, or whatever else seems needed at the time.
  • Do say you are sorry about what happened to their child and about their pain.
  • Do accept their moods whatever they may be, you are not there to judge. Be sensitive to shifting moods.
  • Do allow them to talk about the child that has died as much and as often as they want.
  • Do talk about the special, endearing qualities of the child.
  • Do give special attention to the child's brother and sister--at the funeral and in the months to come (they too are hurt and confused and in need of attention which their parents may not be able to give).
  • Do reassure the parents that they did everything they could, that the care the child received was the best possible.
  • Do put on your calendar the birth and death date of the child and remember the family the following year(s). That you remember the child is very supportive.
  • Do extend invitations to them. But understand if they decline or change their minds at the last minute. Above all continue to call and visit.
  • Do send a personal note or letter or make a contribution to a charity that is meaningful to the family.
  • Do get literature about the disease and grief process to help you understand.

  • Don't be afraid to ask about the deceased child and to share memories.
  • Don't think that the age of the child determines its value and impact.
  • Don't be afraid to touch, it can often be more comforting than words.
  • Don't avoid them because you feel helpless or uncomfortable, or don't know what to say.
  • Don't change the subject when they mention their child.
  • Don't push the parents through the grieving process, it takes a long time to heal and they never forget.
  • Don't encourage the use of drugs or alcohol.
  • Don't ask them how they feel if you aren't willing to listen.
  • Don't say you know how they feel.
  • Don't tell them what they should feel or do.
  • Don't try to find something positive in the child's death.
  • Don't point out that at least they have their other other children.
  • Don't say that they can always have another child.
  • Don't suggest that they should be grateful for their other children.
  • Don't think that death puts a ban on laughter. There is much enjoyment in the memory of the time they had together.
  • Avoid the following cliches:
    • "Be brave,don't cry."
    • "It was God's will" or "it was a blessing."
    • "Get on with your life. This isn't the end of the world."
    • "God needed another flower in his garden."
    • "At least it wasn't older."
    • "You must be strong for the other children."
    • "You're doing so well."
    • "You're young, you'll get over it."
    • "Time will heal."

Monday, November 8, 2010


I saw this on a blog that I read that honors our angels and I am so glad that I read it because I have been having a hard time still and not understanding why I am getting better. There are days I want to talk about Sienna but no one says anything about her or tries to go around the situation. I have felt that some people probably think I should be back to normal and shouldn't be grieving anymore but after reading this it made me realize that it is okay that I am still having a hard time and only time can heal. If any of you have lost anyone or know someone that has lost someone then this will help you to understand what they are going through. Everything in this is exactly how I am still feeling. I know some people may think that I am stupid for feeling this way cause I never had Sienna here on this earth and that she was a still born but it is still hard so I hope this will help you understand.

By Pat Schwiebert, R.N.

What does time have to do with grief?


Just consider how, in “normal life,” our lives are run by the clock and the calendar. Some of us have a clock in every room so we can keep close track of the time. Few of us have the courage to live without wearing a watch because we’re afraid we might be late for something. Time is precious to us. We live in a society that reminds us that every moment counts, and some of us are masters at cramming as much activity as possible into every moment.

And when we are grieving our experience still has much to do about time.

Time stands still.
When we are grieving we may feel like the rest of the world is going on as usual while our life has stopped. Just last week, after my friend died, I passed a neighbor watering his lawn. He seemed totally unaffected by, and most likely unaware of Sarah’s death. How could that be? He only lives a block away. Didn’t he feel the same shift in the universe that I felt when she died? Doesn’t he realize someone really special is missing?

Time’s up.
Most people will allow us about a one month grace period where we are permitted to talk about our loss and even to cry openly. During this time our friends will probably seem to be attentive to our needs. But when the month is up they may be thinking, if not actually telling us, that it’s time to move on, and that we need to get over “it”. They want us to get back to normal. We may be surprised how many of our friends (and relatives too) will become uncomfortable with our need to dwell on our sorrow. They may not appreciate that it takes time to readjust our life to the loss. Maybe what they are really saying is, “Time’s up for me to be able to be present to you in your grieving time.” Because of this we may need to redefine what is normal for us, and choosing some new best friends—friends who are willing and able to walk along side us on our personal journey of grief, and who will allow us to determine when our “time’s up”.

Doing Time.
Grief may make us feel imprisoned in our own version of hell. We won’t like who we are. We won’t like it that our loved one has gone. We won’t like it that our friends can’t make us feel better. We just want out of here, and we’re not sure we want to do the work that grief requires in order to be set free from this bondage. Some of us will remain in this uncomfortable place for a short time while others of us may feel like we have been given a longer sentence.

Wasting time.
Though in real life I pride myself in being a master at multitasking, in the land of grief I’m much less sure of myself. I find it hard to make decisions because, in my new situation, I don’t trust myself to make the right choice. I want someone else to be responsible if something goes wrong. Sometimes my wasting time is about not having the energy to get started. I am physically exhausted and my body refuses to make an effort to reclaim my former self. And I admit, quite frankly, that I’m not sure I even care enough about anything to make the effort. What’s the use, since it seems like everything I love sooner or later gets taken away from me.

Looking back in time.
When we grieve we spend most of our time, at least at first, looking back. It seems safer that way. That’s where our missing loved ones are. If we were to look forward, that would mean we would have to imagine our lives without those we have lost. And that’s what we aren’t ready to accept--not yet. So we spend a lot of time thinking how we should have been able to prevent their dying, or wondering if we used our time with them well, as we remember the good times, bad times, silly and sad times. We think we have to keep those memories in front of us, or surely we will forget those whom we have lost.

First times.
It is natural for us to gauge our life after a loss as we anticipate and then go through the first times --first day, the first week, the first month, the first time we venture out in public, the first time we went back to school, or church, or work, the first summer, the first Christmas, the first vacation, the first time we laughed. These first times are like benchmarks, notches in our belt that prove we are surviving when you weren’t sure we wanted to, or didn’t know we could.

There’s an empty chair at the table. There’s the conversation that seems to be just noise, having little to do with the absent one about whom we are all thinking but not daring to speak. We still prepare more food than we now need because we haven’t yet figured out how to cook for one less person. Sometimes the food seems to have no taste, and is not able to do what we want it to do--to fill that huge hole within us.

Time out.
Sometimes what we need to do is to take a time out from our regular activities to reflect on what has happened to our personal world, as we knew it before our great loss. To do so is not to run away from life but simply to realize that to act as if nothing has happened doesn’t work. This loss is too big to allow us to pretend that it hasn’t had a big impact on us. It’s in the quiet time, when we shut off our thinking, and empty out the chatter in our head that the healing begins. Others will have to be okay with our need to bow out for a while. Remember that during grief our job is to take care of ourselves, not to take care of our friends. When it’s time to re-enter a normal routine, it’s our choice what we will reinstate and what we decide to lay aside. Loss tends to redefine our priorities. What used to be important may not be as important now. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Time heals what reason cannot.
In the end, time will change things. The intensity we experience when grief is new, where we can see nothing but our loss, and where every moment is filled with thoughts of the one who died will gradually diminish and become softer. Time forces the big picture of life back into our vision whether we like it or not. This happens in our lives all the time. Remember how when we first fell in love with someone, we were totally preoccupied with only that other person, until gradually a more balanced existence was restored. Or when we did (what we thought was) some terrible thing and we were sure everybody would never let us forget it, we came to find out a few months down the road that most people had forgotten the incident.

In the months (maybe years) following a loss, life will eventually start to re-emerge, and life on this planet will once again seem possible. This will not happen because we come to understand the death more clearly but because, with the passage of time, the unanswered questions will become easier to live with.

Time will not remove grief entirely. The scars of our grief will remain and we may find ourselves ambushed by a fresh wave of grief at any time. But needing to know the answers to the “why” questions won’t seem quite so important as it once was.

Time is a gift that we have taken for granted. We’ve been given our lives one moment at a time.

This is good.

Peace to you.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

One Day I will

Well today was one of those days where things were going great. I ran 5 miles with friends this morning, went to the gym and lifted weights, and came home and took my sweet time getting ready. I felt like it was going to be a great day until... I had an appointment with my doctor today to get an iud in. Me and my husband had discussed it would be the best option for us right now especially seeing that pills would be so much every month and my iud would be free seeing this is my last month on insurance. I was so excited going in and knowing I don't have to take a pill everyday and this would be so nice. Well after the appointment I thought I was still okay until I sat in my car and it hit me that I really did a beautiful baby girl a month ago and that it will be a while before I will have another and that is when I just broke down into tears.
It was a long drive home and I don't know if you have ever been driving and you look over and see someone crying hysterically. Well today that was what a lot of people saw as they were driving along side of me. I felt so ridiculous as I was bawling but I could not hold it in. They whole way home I talked to Sienna and told her how much I loved her and that I was so sorry for everything that she had to go through. I told her to hold her mommy tonight cause I needed her.
As I was driving home I was also listening to Lady Antebellum cause my amazing friend invited me to go to the concert tonight cause she felt like I needed a night out and I am sure glad that she listened to those promptings to invite me cause I sure do but one of their songs came on that brought me peace. It is called one day you will and it talked about how we are in pain right now but one day we will find peace.
I know I will have good days and bad days but that song brought me comfort to know that one day I will look back at this experience and it will bring me more peace then it will pain. You have to watch this video and listen to the words cause if any of you are going through trials out there like me I hope that you will one day find peace and keep holding on.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Gavin's Dream

So me and Quin ran a bunch of errands this afternoon and while we were out Gavin fell asleep in the car and was asleep on Quin's shoulder while we were in the store. He finally woke up and Quin asked how his nap was and he said Good then Quin asked what he dreamt about and the first thing he said was "Baby sister"We then asked him what they did in his dreams and he told us all about how he played with his blocks with her and colored pictures.
It was just amazing to hear him talk about the relationship he had with his sister. I hadn't even brought up Sienna to him today so that just really showed me that he still is with her a lot of days even if it is in his dreams. I love that I have Gavin in my life. He brings so much joy into my life right now and I don't know how I would do it without him. Whenever he can tell that me or Quin are down or sad he always asks us "Are you happy mommy or Are you happy daddy?" He also tilts his head to the side when he says it and says it in such a sincere voice. It is so cute and if we are sad it really turns our mood around knowing that Gavin is worried and wants us to be happy. How can I not be happy when I have such an amazing little boy and a caring husband who do all they can for me everyday to put a smile on my face.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Their Connection

I have to share a story of the relationship that Gavin has with his sister. Before I even got pregnant with Sienna I knew it was a girl. Last December I had dreams every night for a week of Gavin playing with his sister. In my dreams she was about the same age as Gavin and they were always playing in his room. She had blonde curly hair and was always smiling. Sometimes they were in the crib together and sometimes they were playing with toys. But I had these dreams constantly so I finally told Quin that we had to get pregnant cause I know there is someone up there and that it was a girl. Quin was a little hesitant cause it is a lot of responsibility to bring another child in this world but one Sunday we fasted and prayed about it and that Sunday Quin looked up insurances to put me on so we could get pregnant cause he felt the same way. Two months later I got pregnant. Before I found out the gender I was confident it was a girl and sure enough it was. My dreams had come true and Gavin will get to play with his little sister.
When I found out the issues she would had and that she would not make it to this earth I felt like my dreams were crashing and that they won't come true and Gavin won't get to play with his little sister. I had moments where I was mad that I had those dreams cause why would my dreams get my hopes ups and then not come true.
I had explained this story to Jennifer who had done my photography of Sienna while I was doing her hair. I told her of the pains I had about it. She first asked when I told her about my dreams about the age Sienna was. When I told her she was about the same age as Gavin she said that my dreams were happening here on this earth right now and that is Sienna's spirits age up in heaven and she will be that age until I join her in heaven and raise her. She asked if I have heard Gavin talking and playing alone in his room and I have. He always talks to his lamby and I honestly believe his lamby is his sister to him. He talks to her and holds her all the time.
Just a couple days ago when I woke up at 5:30 to go running I could hear him mumbling in his room and I thought that was really early for him to be up and talking. I went out running and came home while I was stretching I heard him talking again so I went and stood next to his door to hear what he was saying. He kept saying over and over again "Its okay lamby." He then told her that "mommy will turn off the light soon and you sit right here." I had the light on the hallway on so I turned it off and then it was silence. Gavin is being her little protector even though she is in heaven right now. I love the connection that they have and I hope that they have that connection the rest of their life.

Trying to Heal

This is not a good week for me but I hear that happens a lot and I will probably have bad days for the rest of my life. My due date is coming up in the next couple of weeks and that has been making me think about her a ton. Every time I see a baby or a pregnant women my heart just breaks because I wish I was them right now. I wish I had a beautiful healthy baby in my stomach or was holding one. I know someday I will get that again but for this week I just want to be sad and miss my girl. This past month has been one of the busiest months that I have had all year long which has been a good thing cause it has kept my mind off of things. I have some wonderful friends/neighbors who run with me every week which I love cause they help me get my mind off things and sweat out my stress. Every time I see a child a someone who has down syndrome I just smile at them cause I know that they were good friends with Sienna and they all hold a special place in my heart.
I have had some really good days where I am so happy that we have Sienna watching over our family. I never think twice about making a mistake or doing wrong cause I want to be so worthy for her. Her mission for me I feel is to keep her mommy worthy so I can raise her. I do have days where I forget to pray or read my scriptures but I am trying hard to not forget. I have met some amazing people and have made amazing friends through this trial which made me grateful for Sienna for making me closer to some people. I can't express the gratitude I have for my friends and family and even strangers who have reached out for me and my family. I have had days where I am hurting really bad inside and I have had some people send me a text or a message just saying they are thinking about me and hope all is going okay. It brings tears to my eyes knowing that people still care cause sometimes I feel like people think I have been doing great and so they ignore the situation but it makes me feel good that I have so many people still there for me.
So I have left over fabric from the bear that was made out of the blanket they wrapped her up in and I am wanting to make a patch blanket out of it. I need some help and some opinions on what I should do. If you look down a couple posts you can see the pink fabric that I am talking about. I have sewed once in my life that is when I was 12 so I don't remember how to do it. I want anyone's suggestions on what other fabric I should use to do the patch blanket with. I have seen blankets where they have patches of pictures on it too. I was thinking that may be an idea. I am just really dumb when it comes to crafty things and I don't know how to do it so I need anyone's help that knows how. I just want a blanket to cuddle and sleep with when I can't hold Sienna.
Thanks everyone for your sweet comments. Each and everyone mean so much to me and I am sorry I haven't had a chance to go and read some of your blogs and comment but I promise I will cause you all mean so much to me.
Here are some pictures that remind me of Sienna every day and make me appreciate her.

I see this everyday when I walk downstairs.

I had a friend from hair school that made this for me. It meant so much that she did this especially since I haven't seen her in 5 years. I put this on my kitchen counter and I love reading it everyday.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Loss of Infant Awareness Month

This month which most of you know is loss of Infant Awareness. Exactly a month after I had her which was a couple days ago. Me and a neighbor ran to her grave from my house which was about 3 miles round trip and was a little hard for me since I am still not in the best of shape but getting there. My sweet neighbor ran with flowers to put on her grave and we sat there for a while at her grave as I cried cause all the emotions were coming back. The run to her grave was hard but it seemed like the run back home was so much easier. My sweet angel was pushing me along. This past month all I have wanted to do is have another baby to feel in this emptiness but as I was running home I felt like I really wanted to do a full marathon in honor of Sienna. There is one next September so that will give me year to prepare and hopefully it won't take us long to get pregnant after that. I want to show Sienna that I can do this marathon and through this marathon I will show her the strength and trial I will overcome in this next year. My neighbor told me about a race next June that they run for loss of infants and she asked if she could run in honor of Sienna. That brought tears to my eyes and it made me want to do it too. So this next year I will focus on doing races and getting back in shape and it will be for her and for me since I want to loose this weight and feel like it isn't coming off fast enough but yes I know it takes time but it is hard when you don't have a baby so you feel you are fat for no reason.
Yesterday they did a walk for loss of infants at the Larkin Cemetery downtown. It was so beautiful and the speaker was Carolyn from Angel Watch who had helped me and Quin through this trial. She did an amazing job. I met some amazing mothers who have been through the same thing as me so it helped to talk to them about what we are feeling through all of this. After the speaker we walked around the Cemetery then got a balloon and wrote Sienna's name on it with a little message. They then played beautiful music and called the babies names. As her name was read we released her balloon. It was very emotional and made me sad to see so many balloons and knowing that so many families have gone through the same pain as us. They have done this walk for 15 years and this is something we will go back every year and do. Each week is getting a little easier for us.

Me and Quin got bracelets that say "In my heart Always" and it has little baby feet on it.

Walking as a family around the cemetery.

Me and Gav with our balloon for Sienna.

Waiting to release her balloon.

Right after we released her balloon. It is the biggest pink one.

Gavin with sisters lamby.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Sienna's Bear



The day before we had Sienna Angel Watch told us to go get some fabric that we can wrap Sienna in when we have her and then they will take the fabric and turn it into a bear. So we went and picked out fabric and this was our favorite. When the nurse took Sienna to give her a bath she came back with Sienna wrapped in this fabric, we also got pictures of Sienna wrapped in this blanket. Angel watch came after we were home from the hospital and talked to us about how we are doing and took the fabric to have a bear made out of it.
It turned out so great! This bear is so sacred to me and I probably won't let Gavin play with it cause I want it to stay clean and pure like Sienna is right now. We are going to set up a shelf in our basement with everything that is Sienna's like this bear, her molds, and a couple pictures of her cute hands and feet.
I have been doing better this past week and the break downs have slowed down and haven't been as bad. I still have my moments that I shed tears over her but with General Conference last week I have been able to find peace with the whole situation and it has been easier for me to get through. I still have moments that are hard where my heart just aches is when I see pregnant women or newborns. But life is slowly getting better and I am so grateful for her and the blessings that she has brought to my family this year.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

In loving memory of Sienna Marie Farmer

I have a friend that has been following my blog put this together for us. She did such a beautiful job! Thanks Ashley! We will always cherish this video.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Why is it so hard!

I thought now that I had Sienna, had her service and am starting to heal from the delivery that it would get easier but it seems to get harder. It has now been a week since I had her and I feel like my true emotions are coming through. I felt like I have held it together so well this past week but tonight I can't hold anything in.
I am sitting here alone crying my eyes out and using up pretty much every tissue in the box and praying that this pain will go away. I miss Sienna, I understand her mission here on earth is complete but why is this getting so hard for me. I tried to write down my experience in my journal but I only wrote one sentence before I lost it again. I sit here and think why this is happening to me. I feel to young to be going through a trial this big.
I am scared for the future and know I can't handle going through this again. It was hard enough going through this once but I want to be pregnant again so bad but I am scared it could happen again. I will never take advantage of a healthy pregnancy ever again. It was such a miracle to have Gavin but I never really thought about it until I saw all the complications with this pregnancy.
Sienna please give me the strength to hold it together. Help your mommy out. I miss you so much and want to be with you right now. I hope I don't have too many days like today because it is too hard to handle. I love you sweet girl. You are my forever angel. Please watch over us tonight.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Graveside Service

Sienna's service was so beautiful. We just did a small graveside with our families there. The spirit was so strong there and I could feel Sienna's spirit there the whole time. I just have to say I have the best husband in the whole world. He has been the biggest support through all of this and has been there every step of the way with me. Our relationship has gotten stronger and closer through this trial and I don't know what I would do without him. He means the world to me and I am amazed and how well he has handled everything. I will explain about the service under each picture.

Quin said this was the hardest part for him but my mom told me later that I carried Sienna in the beginning while Quin carried her in the end.

Gavin put her lamby on the casket for the whole service. He was so good through the service. He has been so hypher right before this but you could tell even Gavin had the spirit with him during the service cause he did so well and was so calm. We began the service with a prayer and we sang "I am a Child of God". My dad then said a few words about eternal families. My mom read the poem that I posted in an earlier post. Quin's dad dedicated the grave and did an amazing job.

We then released the balloons in honor of Sienna and this is something that me and Quin want to do every year. The spirit was so strong during this part. I was like angels were in the sky playing with the balloons. It was so beautiful.

This is my favorite picture of the balloons cause if you look closely it looks like the balloons are forming an S for Sienna.

We then placed roses on her casket. Quin and Gavin put their boutineers on the casket.

After the family left we as a family said our goodbyes to her.

My ward put on a luncheon for after the service and they did an amazing job. This was the display we had up at the luncheon.

Yesterday was a really hard day for us but at the same time it was so spiritual and I felt like we got more closure. It was be a long road of healing ahead and it is hard that we don't have our baby girl with us but we are grateful to have her for the time that we did. She has blessed our families lives and helped our family become closer together. I will look at other trials as being so little compared to this. I will enjoy life more and do my best every day and strive to be a better person because we have a special angel watching over us and I don't want to make any mistakes so that me and Quin can see her again and raise her. That reunion will be so amazing. I feel like that time can't come soon enough. My testimony of this gospel has grown so much from this experience. I know that families can be together forever, I am grateful for the atonement and for the pain that Christ went through so that we could make it through these hard times. I am grateful for the resurrection so that we can see Sienna again. I know the power of prayer works. Even though it didn't get Sienna here. It blessed us with an angel and lifted us up through this hard time.
Thank you everyone for following our journey. It has come to an end but Sienna will always be apart of us and I hope she has blessed some of your lives. We couldn't have done this without the prayers, love, and support that you have all given us. We love you guys and grateful for what you guys have done for us. I am grateful for the friendships we have made through this journey and there are friendships we will have forever. I am glad I am now apart of the DS family. Even though my daughter isn't here I feel a connection with kids with Down Syndrome. We love you and thanks for everything.
And Sienna we love you so much!! Thanks for being our guardian angel. We can tell you and Gavin has such a strong connection and I swear you are playing with him sometimes cause he is laughing and playing in his room and no one is in there with him so we know you are playing with him. If your brothers and sisters are still up in heaven let them know that us parents love you guys so much and can't wait to bring more children down to this earth. We love you sweet girl and will never forget you!!

Sienna's Arrival

I am going to start at when I thought Sienna had passed away. A week before I had Sienna was my last doctors appointment with the high risk. She said it was a matter of time before she was gone. She told me to go on with my life and not worry about resting cause there was no hope. The day after that appointment I felt sick to my stomach and I just felt like something was wrong the whole day. I was in the worst mood the whole and knew something was just not right. That was the day I stopped feeling my baby girl move. It broke my heart cause I knew that was the day she had passed. Me and my husband had stuff planned that weekend for my birthday so I thought I would wait until my next doctors appointment to wait to see if she still was alive or not. That Sunday my whole family did a fast that Sienna and our family would have peace with her passing. That night we broke our fast and my husband Quin gave me a blessing. Some of the words he said in the blessing hit me really hard. One thing he said was that I would let go of Sienna cause her mission was done here on this earth and she had things to do in heaven. I didn't realize but at that moment I knew I wasn't letting go of her and that I needed too. Peace came over me as he gave me that blessing and I knew that she was done with her mission here on earth. It was an amazing spiritual night for our family. Quin got a blessing that night from his dad and in it his dad said that we will look forward to having more children and that has been hard for me and Quin to think about cause we are scared to have more kids with what we have been through with Sienna but I know only time can heal and we will have to see how we feel in a year. We are going to take time for our family next year to enjoy one another and to heal from this trial we have faced.
We went in on Tuesday for our appointment. I came packed and I packed Gavin so he could stay with my mom. I knew that we wouldn't hear a heart beat when we went in that day. We headed into the office and me and Quin were quiet the whole time knowing that we knew it was the day we would find out our sweet girl wasn't with us anymore. It was a long wait cause our doctor was doing a delivery and when she finally came in she put me on the table and tried to find the heart beat. You could tell she was having a hard time and didn't want to search forever so she took us over into the next room to check it on the ultrasound. As soon as we saw Sienna and her heart standing still our hearts just sunk and it hit us hard that we wouldn't be raising this little girl. She called labor and delivery and they told us to come back in a couple of hours. I went back to my moms while Quin went home and packed.
It was not fun for us to go back to the hospital knowing we wouldn't come out with a baby. We had the sweetest people helping us from the second we got into the hospital. Angel watch called the hospital and made sure we had the best care possible while we were there and we sure did. Labor was not fun for me at all since they had to induce me. It was way easier when I was in labor with Gavin. I started to feel contractions an hour after they gave me the pill so I asked for some pain medicine. They put some in my IV and I got sick to my stomach and felt like I was going to pass out. After that wore off I told them I didn't want the stuff in the IV and that I wanted the epidural. I was barely dilated to a 1 but the pain was more then I could handle. The guy came in and gave me the epidural and I felt it work right away.
It was the longest night of my life. I barely slept 10 minutes here and there and I had horrible side effects to the medicine. I felt the contractions even though I had the epidural. Finally 12 hours after being in labor the nurse check me and I was only a 2 but the baby was coming out. She hurry and called the doctor and she was there within 20 minutes. The nurse then pushed on my stomach and Sienna practically fell out of me. She was still in the sac cause the water hadn't broke but she broke it and set Sienna on my chest. They hurry and cleaned things up and left the room so that me and Quin could have alone time with her. It was so hard to see her limp body laying there. I felt so empty as I laid there staring at her. It was so hard for us at that moment but we knew she was better now. After a while being with her we asked the nurse to come clean and dress her.
After she was cleaned and dressed the photographer from now I lay me down to sleep came and took the most amazing pictures of her that I know we would cherish forever. We had so many visitors and so much support that helped get me and Quin through that day. As soon as Gavin came in the room we showed him his sister and without us saying a word her said "she is with Jesus." He knew that that wasn't her spirit with that body. He was a little nervous to be around her but he warmed up to her. He brought her lamb and showed it to her but he held on that lamb all day long.
The hardest part for me was when the mortician came and asked us to wrap her up so she is completely covered and Quin carried her down to the car. I did not want to let go of her at that time and once they took her out of the room it was so hard for me to see that empty bassinet sitting next to my bed so when Quin came back they took it out of my room. I wanted to leave the hospital right then cause I didn't like being there without the baby but the hospital set up a romantic dinner for me and Quin to have before we left so we stayed there for another hour then they brought us in an amazing dinner. They were so good to us and I have never been treated so well at any other hospital. We had the best experience there despite our situation. I had a hard time saying goodbye to my nurse cause she was so good to us and we felt very connected with her. It was good to be home but I kept forgetting that I just delivered a baby and wanted to move on with my life but I have been in a lot of pain and have to remember that I have to rest and take care of myself.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Our Angel

My friend sent me this poem and it made me cry so hard. I know that this is how Sienna feels right now...

When tomorrow starts without me and I'm not here to see...

If the sun should rise and find your eyes filled with tears for me,

I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today...

While thinking of the many things we didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me, as much as I love you...

And each time you think of me, I know you'll miss me, too.

But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand

That Jesus came and called my name and took me by the hand,

He said my place was ready in heaven far above...

And that I'd have to leave behind all those I dearly love.

So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart...

For every time you think of me, I'm right here in your heart!

I love you Sienna and you will always be in my heart! I will write about my experience in the hospital a little later. It is a busy day for us today. The ring that she has on her toes in this picture Quin picked out for her on my birthday a few days ago and he now wears it on a necklace around his neck. He will always have her near to his heart too.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

She will always be our angel

We went in today and her heart has stopped. It has all hit me real hard and I am scared for these next couple of days but am ready for this to come to an end. I go back in in a hour and they will start me. I am not looking forward to tonight and tomorrow but I know it will be a spiritual experience for us. Thanks for all the support. It has truly helped us so much and lifted us.

Today may be the day

I haven't felt Sienna move in almost a week. I know the doctor said it would be harder for me to feel her move but I haven't felt a thing since last week so I have a feeling that today is when we will deliver her. Our appointment is this afternoon. I wanted to let everyone know so if you don't see another post in a few days then you will know why.
This last week has seemed so long since I haven't been able to feel her. Quin gave me a beautiful blessing on Sunday saying that Sienna's mission is complete and that I need to let go of her. It was hard for me to hear to let go of her but she has blessed us in so many ways already. We had Angel Watch come yesterday to help plan our birth plan and gave us some ideas for a graveside service.
These next two weeks will be extremely hard for me and Quin but I can't wait to be at peace again and move on. Thanks everyone for your support. I will update again when I get out of the hospital and let everyone know about our experience. Please pray that me and Quin will get through this cause I know it will be a very hard week for us especially when we have to give Sienna to the mortician. I am not looking forward to this week but I hope the spirit can be with us and it will bring us closer together.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Roller Coasters aren't fun!

I can't wait for this roller coaster to be over. Today we finally got to measure her after 3 weeks and I was hoping it was good cause the doctor was so optimistic about everything last week. But she hasn't really grown. She was almost 400 grams last time they measured her and she was 410 grams this week and they say babies are suppose to grow 100 grams a week so she has barely grown 10 grams and is still well under a pound. She is measuring 21 weeks and I am over 30 weeks. They said it is just a matter of time until she passes away. They are sending me back to my original doctor since they can't do much anymore so I will go to her every week to hear the heart beat and once the heart stops then they will deliver me and they just want to make sure I don't go into preclampsia. And plus it is extremely hard for me to feel her anymore, so hearing the heart beat will be the only way to know if she is alive every week.
They are setting up an appointment for me to meet with Angel Watch so I can plan how I want the delivery to go, what things I want to keep, and to plan the funeral services. They don't think it is much longer at the rate she is growing it will eventually stop soon. I don't have to be on bed rest anymore since there is no hope. She said to just enjoy every day right now and go forward with life.
Wow the roller coaster of emotions have been so much for me to handle. Sienna really has changed my life. My testimony has really grown and I know she has changed many peoples lives. I can tell she has fullfilled her mission here on this earth because of the lives she has blessed. I know she will continue to bless our lives even after she goes. Like Gavin says "Baby sister wants to be with Jesus." And personally I don't blame her. Who wouldn't want to be with him. She is one lucky girl! And I am a lucky mommy to have carried her.

Monday, August 30, 2010

What a fighter!!

She is still alive which was a huge surprise because I hadn't felt her kick since Saturday night and I honestly thought we would go in this morning and see her heart stopped but this girl is a fighter!! She sure has been proving the doctors wrong cause they thought she wouldn't last this long. Everything is pretty much the same. She hasn't gotten better but at the same time she hasn't gotten worse which is good. The doctor told me it would be harder for me to feel her cause she is so tiny so that is normal that I didn't feel her yesterday. They still didn't measure her because of how small she still is that the measurements wouldn't be accurate. They will for sure do the measurements next week cause it will be accurate by then. The doctor also said which I still am having a hard time understanding but he said my placenta has trisomy 21 too and that is why she is developing so slowly but he believes she is growing but at such a slow pace but enough to keep her alive. He was so optimistic today and we scheduled my next three weeks of appointments out because he thinks since she has lived this long that she could possibly go much longer. All in all it was a great appointment.
I am so happy she is still here because yesterday was so hard when I didn't feel her move. It was like reality hit and I knew she wouldn't make it and I didn't want that. I want her here. And each week she gives me a tiny glimpse of hope when I see her still alive. Yesterday was such a spiritual day at church, in our classes we talked about bad things that happen to good people and also the trials that we get that are too hard to handle. I felt that those talks were just for me because it helped me to have more peace with things.
So I guess we just take it a week at a time still. I just have to stay as busy as I can so I can get through these weeks faster and not think about it so much. I still feel frozen in time right now and I know when this is all over I will wonder why I was so depressed about everything. But for now I will try and make it through this emotional roller coaster.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Dear Sienna

My dearest sweet baby girl,
I wanted to write you letting you know how much love I have for you. This past month has been the hardest month I have had in my life but at the same time I have never felt this blessed in my life. Sweet Sienna you have been such a fighter through all of this and it is hard to see you get more sick with each ultrasound that we go to but I love seeing your sweet hands and feet kicking around in there. Your kicks have gotten more faint each day that passes but I cherish each and everyone of them. I don't know what this next month has to offer for us and you but I am glad that I chose to be your mother up in heaven and I chose to go through this trial here on earth because I wouldn't change you for anything.
Your sweet big brother loves you so much I can tell. I have dreams of you two playing all the time and I don't know if that will be here on earth or if that was you two in heaven before he came. He gets so excited to see pictures of you and always says 'baby sister!" He knows who you are and I can tell that you two were best friends in heaven. After each meal Gavin always points to my stomach and asks if baby sister is eating now and I always tell him yes. I know that your brother was sent to us to help me and your dad get through this hard time. He keeps us smiling cause he knows that that is what you would want.
You can tell your dad wanted a little girl so bad when I got pregnant. When we went shopping he would pick out the cutest dresses for you. He has great taste and knows what would look great on his little girl. It breaks my heart to see him in tears over you because he doesn't cry very often, before this all happened I had only seen him cry twice so you know he truly loves you with all the tears he has shed. He has been taking care of me and it makes me sad that he can't feel your kicks cause you are too tiny for him to feel.
We love you so much Sienna and we are excited to have an angel watch over us if you don't make it here. We will strive everyday to be better so that we can be worthy to see you again. I am so lucky to have such a perfect daughter. Thanks for blessing our lives and we hope to do the same in return. I love you and you will always be my little girl no matter what happens.
Love always and forever,

Monday, August 23, 2010

No Change

We went in today thinking that we may be delivering but there was no change in her since last week. She still has fluid in her heart but it hasn't grown or spread. Her blood flow is still pulsed so it is the same but hasn't gotten worse. They weren't able to measure her because it was too soon since the last time they measured. They said they have to measure every two weeks so we don't know if she has grown or not. We go back next monday to measure her to see if there is any change then.
We had a horrible doctor that mumbled the whole time. He looks like he is almost 90 and it took him forever to get words out. He would compare my situation to a comic strip where he said it was like the devil poking someone with a pitch fork to one door that said damned if you do and the other one that said damned if you don't. So he was pretty much saying if we deliver now she wouldn't live but if we keep her inside she may pass away so I guess we just have to take it a week at a time. He thinks I will for sure have this baby withen the next month no matter the situation so we will see.
I am excited to go to a better doctor this next monday and he will be my permanent one from now on. He was the one that helped us out last week and he was amazing and wanted the best for us and the baby.
I am not sure if I should be on bed rest or not cause the doctor kind of joked that it would be hard for me to rest when I have a two year old but he said it is best for the blood flow to get to the baby if I am rested so he never gave me a definate answer so I will just be taking it easy this week.
Sienna is a fighter and I know she is telling us that she is going to do all she can for now.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Not Good News

Well I was hoping for a miracle when I went into the doctors today but it looks like everything has gotten worse. She has barely grown a few days worth in the past 4 weeks. She is 7 weeks smaller then she should be right now. And the doctor didn't think she would grow much more. She has started to form pockets of fluid around her heart which weren't there when I went to the cardiologist and that is the first sign of heart failure. Her blood flow is severe through the umbilical chord and it only gets to her when her heart pumps. In between pumps her blood flow completely stops. They gave me a few options, one was to try and deliver her today but she wouldn't survive cause she doesn't even weigh a pound yet. He wants her to get to at least 500 grams before she would be able to survive through delivery. But he didn't think she will even make it to that cause she is not even reaching 400 grams right now. I go back in on Monday to see if there is even a change in anything. He is afraid she won't make it until then but our best option is to wait it out.
My doctor was so nice about everything and wanted the best for us. I am not going to main doctor cause I am extreme high risk now. I may be delivering Sienna next week but we don't think she will make it. I am doing okay cause I have been preparing myself for this. My doctor told me to stay down and rest until next Monday cause that will be the only way the blood would flow better and she would get more oxygen. Sienna has been a fighter and I am grateful that I have been able to carry her this long. She must be too perfect for this life and we will miss her but know that she will always be in our hearts. Thank you everyone for your kind words and prayers. Even if your prayers haven't made a miracle happen for Sienna they have really brought comfort to me and Quin. We have surprisingly been getting through this because of all the support and we honestly believe our heavenly father has been by our side and carried us through this trial. We will sure have an angel watching over us.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Waiting is no fun

I feel like it has been a year since we found out everything about Sienna. Time seems to slow down a lot. I go in tomorrow for them to measure her to see if she has grown at all and we will know if there is hope from there. I am praying for a miracle but I know it isn't in my hands anymore. I have a cute story that made my day. I got this lamb from my parents neighbor and a sweet card that went a long with it. When I got home that day I put the lamb in amongst all of Gavin's stuffed animals thinking that Sienna wouldn't be playing with it so I can just give it to Gavin. Well the next day while Gav was playing with his toys he saw this lamb. He immediately picked up the lamb and marched over to me and said "But Mommy this is baby sisters!" He refused to play with it cause it was his sisters. I then asked him if he wanted me to save it for when she comes and he said yes so it is sitting on his dresser waiting for Sienna. I wish I had the faith and hope that my 2 year old did that day of knowing she will make it.
I was at my grandma's funeral last weekend and Sienna was kicking so much that day. It made me feel so good and I felt my grandma there and I could picture her and Sienna sitting there watching the funeral. Last week we have been discussing about burying her if she doesn't make it. It is a little pricey and we were worried about coming up with the money but at the cemetery at my grandma's funeral I could see my husband walking around looking at all the headstones and after everyone left my mom handed me the last two roses she had left from people putting on the casket and she told me to go put those roses on for Sienna. I lost it right after she said that because moments like a funeral made everything so real to me of her passing away and I did not want that to happen. I want her to fight for her life so we can raise her. My husband held me tight after I put those roses on and said he doesn't care about the money and that we are going to bury her so we have a place to go see her every year. I hope that we don't have to but if we did that it would be nice to have a place to go every year. Now I wish this waiting game is over. I don't like the unknown. I wish I knew everything right now. But I am sure learning a lot of patience which I probably need to learn right now.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

The joys a kick can bring

Since my grandma passed away Monday night I hadn't felt Sienna move inside of me. Today I laid on my bed for over an hour holding my stomach hoping I would feel her and I felt nothing. Then I started thinking she probably passed away with my grandma. I have 2 doctors and my main one called me today after talking to the other doctor to make sure they were on the same page. She confirmed that they think Sienna will pass away before full term and they said I have an option to deliver her early but they don't know if she will survive long after that and I could just hold her and let her pass away in my arms or I could try to go full term and deliver by primary children's hospital so they can take her as soon as I have her and see if there is any chance for her but that is if I even make it to full term. I had an appointment at the salon tonight which was hard for me to go after hearing the news again that my child won't make it and crying my eyes out again but I knew it would be good for me to go and do what I love. I am glad I went cause my client was a sweet nurse who was so comforting and talked about all the miracles that do happen. I do believe in miracles but I don't want to get my hopes up. I am planning on Sienna passing away and have already started the grieving process. I know it is in heavenly fathers plan and he knows what is best for her. But after my appointment tonight I sat as I read e-mails and I felt kick after kick from Sienna, it was like her telling me she is still here for now. It seems like she moves more when I am happy and relaxed so my goal is to enjoy her while I can cause every kick I feel from her is a miracle.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

She will always be in my heart

Well the call I have been waiting for all weekend came today. My sweet Sienna won't be making it to our home. They said the only thing they can do is just monitor me more closely but she will eventually pass away. I am meeting with the doctor next week to talk about my options which I am sure are abort the baby or they can monitor her until she goes. She also said that I can stick with my original doctor until she passes. This has been really really hard for me but I know she is so perfect that she needed a body and that was it. I know heavenly father has a plan for her up in heaven. I know it will be a great reunion when I get to see her again. My grandma passed away last night and I am happy that my grandma can be with her right now. I want to say thank you to all you fabulous DS mothers for the love and support you have given me through this hard time. Now it is just a waiting game to see how long she will last. I will always love Sienna and she will always be my daughter. I will let everyone know when she passes. I have had a feeling since Sunday that she wasn't going to make it so I was preparing myself for this call. I know it will take me a while to get through this healing process but she has a mission to fulfill up in heaven. I love you Sienna and I can't wait to see you on the other side.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Why am I feeling like this?!

Since yesterday I have had a feeling that my baby is not going to live. I haven't heard from the doctor yet so it has made my mind wander for the worst. I have seen people that are due around the same time as me and they have a big belly where I still look like I over did it with the chocolate which I have with the emotions going. I keep wondering what if I look chunky instead of pregnant because my baby isn't growing at all. I had a lady at my salon tell me my face looks like it has filled out and I know it isn't from being pregnant it is from emotional eating. Then I have started to blame myself for the reason my baby is like this becuase I ran a half marathon when I was 10 weeks pregnant and it has been hard to not run since cause that is how I get rid of my stress. I have been so scared. My hope is starting to fade. Why hasn't my doctor called me when the cardiologist said this is really concerning and they need to do something about it asap. I have called 3 doctors trying to get an answer and I haven't gotten it yet and I have left 2 messages. I just want to know why she isn't growing and if there is a chance. I don't dare buy a thing for Sienna until I have her here safe and sound and then I keep thinking about delivering a dead baby and how I am going to handle that. I want these feelings to go away but it seems like they won't until I hear from a doctor to tell me they can fix it. Sorry about the negative post but I just need to let it out. I feel like everyone elses world is going on around mine when I am stuck waiting to see if she will live. I miss being happy all the time and I am sick of this pit in my stomach. I just hope it goes away soon.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Heart Update

First off I just want to say thank you for all the comments that I have received. I am so overwhelmed by how many mothers are out there going through the same thing as me and it brings such great comfort. I know that I have people that I can turn to now for so much help and support.
Today we went and visited with the pediatric cardiologist to check out Sienna's heart. They lady took an hour doing the ultrasound and took 150 pictures of her heart. After that the doctor came in and told us that she has an AV Canal Defect which is very common in kids with down syndrome. He said that the success rate of these heart surgery's have been great and Sienna would have a normal delivery and we would come back when she is 6 months for her to have open heart surgery to fix that. After he gave us the good news he then proceeded to the bad news.
As I said in my previous posts that her growth has been decreasing. Well the doctor told us that it isn't because of the heart defect cause that shouldn't cause her to slow down her growth. He said there is something wrong with the placenta and the umbilical chord and our baby isn't getting the nutrients she needs. He said that is a great concern and there isn't much he can tell us about that area because he just works on the heart. He sent out letters to both my doctors and said they should be calling me within the next couple of days.
I have no clue what my doctor is going to tell me or if they are going to put me on bed rest but it is scary cause once we find out one thing is fine it seems like there is something else that is wrong. I am so scared and I hope there is a way that they can get nutrients to her or she could die cause she isn't growing. I feel so numb from all the news right now and I am sure it is going to hit me tomorrow after my doctor calls and I will have another break down. I hate waiting to find things out I just want to know everything now so that I can sleep easy and get through this.
On the positive side my cute little 2 year old has been hilarious today and has really kept our spirits up. I swear an angel told him to lift up his parents through these hard times cause he really knows how to cheer us up when we are sad. I don't know what I would do without him. I know he was sent her to get us through these hard times.
Now I just have to wait and I will update when I found out what the next step is to keep Sienna strong.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

My True Feelings

After I got over the fact that Sienna has a chance to live then everything hit me. I got so overwhelmed by what I am going to do, how I am going to raise her, is she going to be made fun of cause she is different, etc etc. I had a major break down the day after I found out. I couldn't breath I was crying so hard. Everything became a reality. I have two sister in laws who are having healthy girls around the time that I am and I am scared because my girl will be slower then them. When they hit their milestones it will still take Sienna another year to hit hers and I wonder if she won't be as good as friends with her cousins because she will be slower. It just has scared me so much then my friend sent my a blog address with people who are going through exactly what I am going through and I spent hours reading blog after blog of these mothers with the same down syndrome child and I started to feel better. There is hope out there. These down syndrome children are such special spirits. All they need is a body and they are so perfect. Sienna's mission on this earth will be to come down and bless the lives of others because she is so perfect she won't have to be tested. She is here for us.
I feel so overwhelmed by the spirit and that heavenly father trusts me and my husband to raise such a precious daughter of his. And I have had people that say we are special to have someone so perfect come down to us and I feel so unworthy for him to have chosen us. She will be a great blessing in our lives and she will have a big brother who will be her major protector.
I know our journey will be challenging but so rewarding. I just want to get her here safe and sound.