Monday, January 31, 2011


I have never been more excited over anyone getting a job then my husband this last friday. He has been going through an interview process for the past month and around 60 people applied and it was down to two people and Friday was his last interview and HE GOT THE JOB!!!! I started crying I was so excited that FINALLY something good was happening to us! Our life is finally starting to look up. Quin has had a long 4 years in his past job which he got awesome experience which helped him out in getting this job. Everything about his new job is amazing and must I add he will finally have BENEFITS which means we will be able to add another special spirit to our family which I can't not wait for! I know it will still be a few months down the road before I get pregnant but at least I can see that it will be happening soon. I will forever miss our sweet Sienna but I have to add she has given us so many blessings and I know this job is one of them. I am missing her a lot today and it has been a while since I have gone and seen her. I am waiting for this weather to get warmer. I also want to go get her something for her grave. She deserves a present for all she has done for us and we just need to go thank her for helping us be happy again. I love you sweet girl!!! Thanks for everything!!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

I love dreams!

I think I read into dreams so much but honestly I feel like it is a way that my heavenly father speaks to me. My grandma visited me in a dream and I just feel like dreams are ways I get many answers to my prayers. Well I had a dream last night that I just have to share so I don't forget it but after I had Sienna I wished so badly that I was able to have some time with her before she passed away. I wished I was able to see the life in her instead of her limp body. That was so hard for me. It was hard for me to read mothers stories that got that and I wished so badly that I could have that. Well I know this sounds weird but last night I dreamt about my delivery and this time she had life in her. I had a dream that I delivered her and she was still alive. The doctor said it was a matter of hours before she passed away and I just remember in my dream her looking up at me and seeing that bond that we had and changing her first/last diaper and just holding her in my arms with her moving. I wanted to cry with excitement when I woke up because in my dreams I was able to hold my baby girl and see her stare back at me. I think heavenly father knew that I wanted that so bad so he made it come true in my dreams. I feel like I got a little bit more closure even after I woke up and yet it made me so baby hungry to hold my own baby in my arms again and see those precious eyes staring back at me. I know I have my son but I try to hold him and cuddle him but can you imagine an almost 3 year old cuddling like that. There is no way except for when he is sleeping. But it just made me so happy that I got to have the bond with my angel in my dreams. I love you sweet girl!!!
I also wanted to share that last weekend as I went on a trip with my husband which was muchly needed I thought to myself as we were driving I am finally starting to feel truly happy again since I have had Sienna. I actually smiled for real instead of forcing it out of me. I actually felt like I will be okay that I can make it and I am seeing the end of this depression and the beginning of my happiness again. I am not going to lie I know I will still have days that I just want to lock myself in my room and cry but I am actually seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Things are starting to move along with Quin's job searching and it is bringing so much more hope to when we can have another beautiful baby.
I am starting to love life again and each day is getting better!:)

Monday, January 3, 2011

A better year?

Will I get a better year this year? I hope so! Wow last year was pretty much the hardest year I have ever had. I have read some women's blogs about accepting the fact that their baby died. Lets just say I am not to that point yet. It is still so hard for me and hopefully someday I will say that I can accept it but for now I am still in the healing process.
As I look back on last year it seemed to have flown by but at the same time I feel like I was in limbo most of the year and my life was stuck waiting. I have looked back on the many blessings we received last year and am so grateful for everything that we were given. I have also had times as I look back and wish I could fast forward time and wish that we never got the news that Sienna wouldn't make it and that we would have had a healthy baby girl.
I don't know if any of you have seen the movie Tangled but it was a great movie but at the same time extremely hard for me to see. In the movie and I hope I don't give it away but they let off glowing lanterns on the princess's birthday every year and the worst was Gavin said " Look its like Sienna!" during the movie and I just lost it. I was a wreck during the whole movie and tried to hold in my tears but couldn't. The movie reminded me of her so much and letting of the balloons at her grave and we talked about making it a tradition to let off balloons on her birthday every year. Anyways I was a wreck the rest of the new year cause we went back to my in laws and all the boys were playing video games while the girls were taking care of their brand new babies. That was the last straw. I couldn't be there anymore. It was like someone had ripped my heart out as I was sitting there watching this happen. I had to leave the room immediately cause I couldn't hold the tears back any longer! Quin being the most amazing husband ever followed me and asked what was wrong. I told him it wasn't fair that I had to sit there and feel left out that I didn't have a baby and that the guys were having a great time playing games. He completely understood and took me home and spent the rest of the night with me watching a movie and cuddling. Seriously I couldn't ask for a more amazing husband!!! I am sitting here crying because of how blessed I am to have him.
Anyways I am hoping for a better year and hoping he will get a great job with benefits so that I can get pregnant again. I started an 8 week program that will keep my occupied until then. I am excited for this year and for what it has to hold. I know it can't be worst then last year at least lets hope and pray it won't be:)!