Missing her bad!

This is my little Sienna's shrine. I have a shelf with stuff and then this is in a little bookcase but I love that things keep adding to it. That porcelain doll was given to my mom when I was a little girl cause someone said it looked just like me. My mom has had it on her dresser for years and she gave it to me the other day cause she said it now reminded her of Sienna. The doll has angel wings on the back and it is so perfect. It is almost as if heavenly father knew that I needed that doll so he prompted that lady to give it to my mom so that I would receive it someday. This is going to be a downer post but sorry I have had some pretty downer days and I need to let it out.

Well since the beginning of January I felt like I was doing so well. I was so happy I was loosing weight pretty fast, Quin got a new job and things were just going great! Then once Sienna's 6 month mark hit I felt like I have gone downhill. I have gone through all the emotions of being mad that heavenly father took her from me to crying and aching to hold her in my arms just one more time. I babysit my niece everyday and it use to be good therapy for me and now it has been hard cause rocking my niece in the rocking chair in my house makes me so upset that it isn't Sienna and watching my niece is making me want Sienna so bad. I tried to do a new challenge to help me loose weight and I had to throw the challenge out the window cause I couldn't function. Quin had school last night I just laid in bed all night while I let Gav watch cartoons cause I was so depressed. I don't know what has come over me! I don't know if I just haven't had people asking how I am doing anymore or if heavenly father is finally letting me get through this on my own. I have said several prayers to help me be happy again and I have had many people say "Well you are going to be getting pregnant soon so you shouldn't be sad anymore" and that just makes me mad cause no child is going to replace Sienna and yeah having another baby may help in the healing process but it isn't going to make me not want her. I still ache for her so bad and a part of me is mad cause I feel like heavenly father has tortured me with being pregnant with my sister in laws and then he takes my daughter away. I have such a strong testimony of this gospel and I do turn to my Savior for everything but there are times that I just don't understand why this had to happen to me.

I know that I could just be having one of those bad days/weeks but sometimes I just want all the answers right now I know I won't get them for a while. I am so happy that general conference is this weekend cause I am in much need of answers to my prayers. Sorry I am so down but I just had to let it out and hopefully I am not the only one that has felt this way. Hopefully I will have a happier post next time.:)