Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Missing her bad!

This is my little Sienna's shrine. I have a shelf with stuff and then this is in a little bookcase but I love that things keep adding to it. That porcelain doll was given to my mom when I was a little girl cause someone said it looked just like me. My mom has had it on her dresser for years and she gave it to me the other day cause she said it now reminded her of Sienna. The doll has angel wings on the back and it is so perfect. It is almost as if heavenly father knew that I needed that doll so he prompted that lady to give it to my mom so that I would receive it someday. This is going to be a downer post but sorry I have had some pretty downer days and I need to let it out.
Well since the beginning of January I felt like I was doing so well. I was so happy I was loosing weight pretty fast, Quin got a new job and things were just going great! Then once Sienna's 6 month mark hit I felt like I have gone downhill. I have gone through all the emotions of being mad that heavenly father took her from me to crying and aching to hold her in my arms just one more time. I babysit my niece everyday and it use to be good therapy for me and now it has been hard cause rocking my niece in the rocking chair in my house makes me so upset that it isn't Sienna and watching my niece is making me want Sienna so bad. I tried to do a new challenge to help me loose weight and I had to throw the challenge out the window cause I couldn't function. Quin had school last night I just laid in bed all night while I let Gav watch cartoons cause I was so depressed. I don't know what has come over me! I don't know if I just haven't had people asking how I am doing anymore or if heavenly father is finally letting me get through this on my own. I have said several prayers to help me be happy again and I have had many people say "Well you are going to be getting pregnant soon so you shouldn't be sad anymore" and that just makes me mad cause no child is going to replace Sienna and yeah having another baby may help in the healing process but it isn't going to make me not want her. I still ache for her so bad and a part of me is mad cause I feel like heavenly father has tortured me with being pregnant with my sister in laws and then he takes my daughter away. I have such a strong testimony of this gospel and I do turn to my Savior for everything but there are times that I just don't understand why this had to happen to me.
I know that I could just be having one of those bad days/weeks but sometimes I just want all the answers right now I know I won't get them for a while. I am so happy that general conference is this weekend cause I am in much need of answers to my prayers. Sorry I am so down but I just had to let it out and hopefully I am not the only one that has felt this way. Hopefully I will have a happier post next time.:)


Owen and Krae said...

I'm so sorry Teresa... just so you know, it isn't fair, at all. My heart aches for you. And honestly? I don't understand why this had to happen to you either. It isn't fair. With how much Sienna crosses my mind, I can only imagine how often she crosses yours.
You're not supposed to be "over" this. You will never be "over" this. Heck, I'm not over it, and I'm only her aunt.
And I know your rainbow baby will be a HUGE blessing, but he/she will never replace your sweet Sienna.
Please know that I'm here for you, and even if I don't officially "ask" how you're doing, I'm always here to listen, and to help. Just smack me and say you need to talk. :) I love discussing my little angel niece. :)
We love you!

Angie said...

Oh Teresa! I know exactly how you are feeling. When my brother died I had my good days and bad days too. You need to understand that TIME is what heals your heart - it's only been 6 months sweetie. I do want you to listen carefully to Conference because I did receive a lot of peace and comfort from talks that I know were directed right at me amd my family. Another thing that helped me was I focused on my day to day blessings, realizing that a lot of them came in some answers to my prayers. I know this sounds weird but when my mind was focused on this I found my sadness and anger changed. I felt like I could understand the situation better. In a conference talk I heard it stated that Satan works harder on us during our trials - which makes us angry, depressed, sad, and second guessing our Heavenly Father. This happened to my Dad and after 14 years of pain, sadness, and depression, he finally let go of that and took the advice of this talk. It made a HUGE difference...
Anyway, I could go on and on, but I won't :) If you ever need to talk, please call me! I will drop anything to help you or just talk! Give yourself time - but realize your Heavenly Father will NEVER leave you! I love ya Tree! Should I get this published now... :) :)

stephanie said...

I have no words of wisdom. I just want you to know that I read and follow along and cry along with you too. i don't know what you are going through,only someone who has lost a child can ever really understand your pain. but am sending prayers and hoping for happier days for you.