I thought now that I had Sienna, had her service and am starting to heal from the delivery that it would get easier but it seems to get harder. It has now been a week since I had her and I feel like my true emotions are coming through. I felt like I have held it together so well this past week but tonight I can't hold anything in.
I am sitting here alone crying my eyes out and using up pretty much every tissue in the box and praying that this pain will go away. I miss Sienna, I understand her mission here on earth is complete but why is this getting so hard for me. I tried to write down my experience in my journal but I only wrote one sentence before I lost it again. I sit here and think why this is happening to me. I feel to young to be going through a trial this big.
I am scared for the future and know I can't handle going through this again. It was hard enough going through this once but I want to be pregnant again so bad but I am scared it could happen again. I will never take advantage of a healthy pregnancy ever again. It was such a miracle to have Gavin but I never really thought about it until I saw all the complications with this pregnancy.
Sienna please give me the strength to hold it together. Help your mommy out. I miss you so much and want to be with you right now. I hope I don't have too many days like today because it is too hard to handle. I love you sweet girl. You are my forever angel. Please watch over us tonight.