Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Why is it so hard!

I thought now that I had Sienna, had her service and am starting to heal from the delivery that it would get easier but it seems to get harder. It has now been a week since I had her and I feel like my true emotions are coming through. I felt like I have held it together so well this past week but tonight I can't hold anything in.
I am sitting here alone crying my eyes out and using up pretty much every tissue in the box and praying that this pain will go away. I miss Sienna, I understand her mission here on earth is complete but why is this getting so hard for me. I tried to write down my experience in my journal but I only wrote one sentence before I lost it again. I sit here and think why this is happening to me. I feel to young to be going through a trial this big.
I am scared for the future and know I can't handle going through this again. It was hard enough going through this once but I want to be pregnant again so bad but I am scared it could happen again. I will never take advantage of a healthy pregnancy ever again. It was such a miracle to have Gavin but I never really thought about it until I saw all the complications with this pregnancy.
Sienna please give me the strength to hold it together. Help your mommy out. I miss you so much and want to be with you right now. I hope I don't have too many days like today because it is too hard to handle. I love you sweet girl. You are my forever angel. Please watch over us tonight.

11 comments:

Rebecca said...

I can't even try to imagine what you are feeling right now. But you are still in my prayers. My sister in law has had 5 miscarriages so I asked her how she got through it. She read a book called "Gone to Soon". Also there is a book for Gavin called "Calling all Angels" my cousin wrote that book for kids who have lost a sibling. Sometimes we forget that even though they are still little they are grieving the loss too. Both books are at Deseret Book.

To Love Endlessly said...

Saying prayers for you. Give yourself time to heal, you can only be strong for so long. You need to grieve for the loss of your sweet baby and allow God to give you the strength and peace when necessary.

tdb said...

I am so sorry for your pain. It is so hard to lose a baby. This is going to take you time to work through. Allow yourself the time. Grieve, cry, be angry. God will give you the grace to work through this. Try not to think about future pregnancies right now. I remember after my miscarriages that I had the same fears. I wanted another baby but could not bear the thoughts of another loss. You will work through this in time. God is gracious. You are young to be experiencing something so hard. You are in my prayers. Take care of yourself.

Tracy said...

Teresa,
My heart breaks for you. I have no wise words for you. Losing our Hannah was the worst thing that has ever happened to us. I can only promise that someday the pain dulls. The sun does come out again. You will find your joy again. Until then, all you can do is keep putting one foot forward, care for Gavin and Quin, and care for yourself. Heavenly Father knows the pain in your heart, but sometimes it helps to TELL Him how bad you hurt, how sad, how miserable, even maybe angry, you are. God has big shoulders. Pour it out to Him. You carried Sienna for over 30 weeks love, right under your heart. Now she will live IN your heart, but it's only been a week dear friend. Give yourself time. A friend of mine suggested I make a memory box for Hannah. It really helped. After about a month I put everything into that box related to Hannah. It sits on my dresser now, but for months I looked at the box and just got comfort from seeing it there, even when I didn't need to open it. Now when I see the box it makes me smile and lends warmth. If Hannah had lived, she would have been our last. We never would have gotten Jack. Jack and Hannah's due dates were the same, December 6th. In a way, loving Jack is loving Hannah. I guess I am rambling now. We continue to pray for your beautiful family. Teresa, you will find joy again.

Envyshope said...

Praying for you and your family Teresa. Love and hugs*

Owen and Krae said...

We love you Teresa. I cant even imagine what you're going through, it truly breaks my heart. But don't feel like you're failing because you keep "losing it". Don't hold it all in...

You will get through this... and you will have a healthy pregnancy like with Gavin again one day. You're too good of a mommy for Heavenly Father to not take advantage of. :)

We love you and are praying for you, as always!

Holly Wolly said...

I can't even pretend to know what you're going through or how your heart is breaking...I would only tell you to try to get through day by day...I really think it will take much time to heal....
prayers...

Jeana said...

I'm so sorry Teresa, I wish I could take your pain. I know what you mean about being scared to get pregnant again. That was something that scared me so much for a while. After all the complications it just didn't seem possible to have a healthy, normal pregnancy, and part of me still is afraid. But I'm glad to say that it doesn't scare me near as much anymore, but it definitely took time. Also I felt the same way, that I was just too young to be able to handle something so big. I just felt like a little girl and that I wasn't strong enough to get through it, stay positive, learn what I needed to and keep going each day. There were many times I got on my knees and told Heavenly Father that it was too hard, and when those times came, He stepped in and lifted it, even if it was only for a few days.

Caroline's Mommy said...

I am so sorry for you loss and heartbreak. I hope you are finding the support you need. Often loved ones mean well, but just do not understand unless they have walked this terrible road. I wish you peace.
We lost our daughter, Caroline, four years ago August. I still miss her and think of her everyday, but the pain does deminish---somehow.
Take care, Cami

Cindy said...

Sending love and light and healing vibes your way.

Nikki Lux said...

Teresa - by showing your hurt, heartache, sorrow, and humility you are showing heavenly father your amazing strength and perseverence. Turn to him during this time - he is with you...

Read your scriptures - they will offer peace and comfort.

Pray always - heavenly father knows your pain...he sent his son to die so that we might live...

Heavenly Father loves your family, which is why he chose you to be Sienna's mother. He knows that you will work diligently in this life to be with her in the next.

You have a world of people who want to offer love and support...draw from their strength.

Remember - maybe with pain and sorrow at first, but with love, adoration, and appreciate later.

You have been in my prayers each day.

Nikki