Saturday, October 30, 2010

Trying to Heal

This is not a good week for me but I hear that happens a lot and I will probably have bad days for the rest of my life. My due date is coming up in the next couple of weeks and that has been making me think about her a ton. Every time I see a baby or a pregnant women my heart just breaks because I wish I was them right now. I wish I had a beautiful healthy baby in my stomach or was holding one. I know someday I will get that again but for this week I just want to be sad and miss my girl. This past month has been one of the busiest months that I have had all year long which has been a good thing cause it has kept my mind off of things. I have some wonderful friends/neighbors who run with me every week which I love cause they help me get my mind off things and sweat out my stress. Every time I see a child a someone who has down syndrome I just smile at them cause I know that they were good friends with Sienna and they all hold a special place in my heart.
I have had some really good days where I am so happy that we have Sienna watching over our family. I never think twice about making a mistake or doing wrong cause I want to be so worthy for her. Her mission for me I feel is to keep her mommy worthy so I can raise her. I do have days where I forget to pray or read my scriptures but I am trying hard to not forget. I have met some amazing people and have made amazing friends through this trial which made me grateful for Sienna for making me closer to some people. I can't express the gratitude I have for my friends and family and even strangers who have reached out for me and my family. I have had days where I am hurting really bad inside and I have had some people send me a text or a message just saying they are thinking about me and hope all is going okay. It brings tears to my eyes knowing that people still care cause sometimes I feel like people think I have been doing great and so they ignore the situation but it makes me feel good that I have so many people still there for me.
So I have left over fabric from the bear that was made out of the blanket they wrapped her up in and I am wanting to make a patch blanket out of it. I need some help and some opinions on what I should do. If you look down a couple posts you can see the pink fabric that I am talking about. I have sewed once in my life that is when I was 12 so I don't remember how to do it. I want anyone's suggestions on what other fabric I should use to do the patch blanket with. I have seen blankets where they have patches of pictures on it too. I was thinking that may be an idea. I am just really dumb when it comes to crafty things and I don't know how to do it so I need anyone's help that knows how. I just want a blanket to cuddle and sleep with when I can't hold Sienna.
Thanks everyone for your sweet comments. Each and everyone mean so much to me and I am sorry I haven't had a chance to go and read some of your blogs and comment but I promise I will cause you all mean so much to me.
Here are some pictures that remind me of Sienna every day and make me appreciate her.

I see this everyday when I walk downstairs.

I had a friend from hair school that made this for me. It meant so much that she did this especially since I haven't seen her in 5 years. I put this on my kitchen counter and I love reading it everyday.


Carrie said...

I think a cute quilt out of the leftover fabric is a great idea! I know at Jo-Anns or Micheal's or Roberts or whatever craft store, they usually have some simple quilt making books (like the quilt-in-a-day ones) that are pretty easy to do for a first try. I can't wait to see what you choose and to see the final product!

The Bullocks said...

Hey, I am so glad that you are running with us. I was just telling some of my friends about you and how amazing you are. I can't imagine how hard it must be with all that you are going through. I think it would be so easy to let life just pass you by, and to stay in your room and hide out. But you are so pro-active about your life. and you are so positive in moving forward, and still keeping your sweet baby a part of your life, and using this experience to grow closer to Heavenly Father. I can't imagine how hard the "hard days" must be, but I love to hear the perspective you get from feeling so close to heaven. I love that you are so open and willing to share your experience with everyone, we can all learn something from you. If you ever need anything, you know I'm just a few houses down and I'd love to help in any way. Katie

Rebecca said...

I love that picture of you and Sienna! A blanket is a great idea. JoAnn's or Hobby Lobby are great places to get fabric. I have a sewing machine and have made a few blankets. Let me know and I can come over and help you. I'll get you started and then let you finish it. I just want you to know that my testimony has grown because of your faith. Thanks for share Sienna with us all.