Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Venting

Wow today has pretty much sucked that is all I have to say. Today is one of those days that I am just so mad at the world. I am so mad that I can't have my baby in my arms right now. And I am mad that money controls our lives and that we are running out of it.
It all started with Sunday being my due date and all I wanted to do was lay in bed all day and cry my eyes out but I went to church which was great but still like I said Sundays are always the worst days for me cause I think of Sienna the most and then I had to talk my husband into going to see her grave that day. He felt bad because we didn't have anything to bring to it so I had Gavin bring his picture that he colored in Nursery of jesus with a boy and a girl. So we set it on her grave with two rocks and I am sure the picture is gone now with the wind and rain we have had the past couple of days. Then we headed over to my in laws which I didn't want to go at all cause my sister in laws are pregnant and I honestly did not want to be around them that day. It wasn't their fault it just made things worse. And when we got there they were talking about being pregnant which I don't blame them but I had to keep going to the bathroom so I can cry and then try and come out acting like I was fine with everything. Overall it was a crappy Sunday and I cried myself to sleep while my husband played video games.
Yesterday wasn't so bad but it stressed me out cause we have to get new phones and I have been slow at work so therefor we don't have much money right now especially with Quin's job slowing down and he has been applying to a ton of places but we haven't heard back from anywhere. So I am extremely stressed about money right now and I hate that it controls our lives especially since all I want is a baby right now but we can't cause we don't have benifits anymore.
And I have been trying to keep my mind off of wanting a baby so bad by running but mother nature decided to make me sick so now I don't have running to get my stress off so that is why I am writing about all my problems right now. Plus I have to starve myself all day long cause I have life insurance coming over for the 3rd time tonight to take my blood cause they haven't been able to find my viens the past two times and I have to fast all day so that is making things worse.
So for today my life sucks and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnell. So I am sorry for those that are reading this but I just have to vent. I don't know how I am going to get through these holidays but I will just have to take baby steps and that is hard to think of taking baby steps cause all I want is a baby. Its just not fair. I am so jealous of so many people right now especially the ones with newborns or who are having babies.
I am sorry if I offended anyone, I am not meaning too. I just don't think I will be completely happy until I have another baby inside of me but who knows when that will ever happen.
Hopefully my next post will be a more positive one especially once I get food inside of me:) There now I feel a little better now that I let everything out.

10 comments:

Becca said...

Venting and getting it all out can be so cathartic. You are absolutely allowed, and don't feel that you need to censor your feelings. Sending virtual hugs to you today...

Owen and Krae said...

Teresa, I am so sorry that I made you feel worse when you were already having a hard day. I cant apologize enough. I want you to know that you are welcome to vent to me whenever you want, and that we love you very much.

I am also VERY sorry that you had to starve yourself all day. That always makes everything worse. I hope they finally found a vein so that you can atleast cross one thing off the list!

Once again, we love you like crazy, and we'll always be there for you. :)

j*e*n said...

I wish there was something that I could do to make you feel better. It must be so difficult to walk the path you're on. I'll keep praying for you, that somehow, someway, things will turn around a bit.

Jenny said...

I am sorry you are having such a rough time...venting is good though, it helps you move forward. Hang in there. You are in my prayers and I hope tomorrow is a better day :)

Angie said...

I love ya Teresa! Don't feel bad for letting your emotions out! We all have feelings inside ourselves that need to come out and when you don't let them out, it makes matters worse. Way to go!! I commend you for being honest and for trudging through this tough trial the way you have! You are amazing and remember that I will help you in any way that I can! :)

Branden and Mindy said...

Teresa I love you and I love this blog. Wanna know why? Because you are real. You have feelings and you don't walk around pretending you have it all together. If you did I might think you are crazy. Thank you for blogging about your real feelings(even at times when we feel we are negative or what not) it let's me know that its okay to be the real me and that I don't have to fake like I'm happy and have it all together all the time. So thank you! I'm really sorry your going through a dip in the road, you will get through this and you'll be stronger because of Sienna!

Aubrey said...

I love that you are so frank about it all. It's the best way. You have every right to feel the way that you do. Every single person that reads this, loves you and would not be offended. You are doing what you are supposed to. Be glad that you have a blog to shout your anger to the world! Get it out... Hope your days are looking up. Love you to peices.

MommaLion4 said...

Tree- you are supposed to vent and these feelings are so real and it's okay to be angry. It's part of the healing process. You are doing the right thing and this outlet is perfect!! No need to apologize at all sweetie!! Lots of hugs and if you need to vent, I'm here for you!Love you tons!!

Carrie said...

Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you and your little Sienna today. You all are in my prayers.

Jeana said...

I'm glad you wrote this post, it's important for you to be able to get those rough days out there and letting people know you are having a hard time. Praying that those days will come less and less and that all will work out with you husbands job.