Wow today has pretty much sucked that is all I have to say. Today is one of those days that I am just so mad at the world. I am so mad that I can't have my baby in my arms right now. And I am mad that money controls our lives and that we are running out of it.
It all started with Sunday being my due date and all I wanted to do was lay in bed all day and cry my eyes out but I went to church which was great but still like I said Sundays are always the worst days for me cause I think of Sienna the most and then I had to talk my husband into going to see her grave that day. He felt bad because we didn't have anything to bring to it so I had Gavin bring his picture that he colored in Nursery of jesus with a boy and a girl. So we set it on her grave with two rocks and I am sure the picture is gone now with the wind and rain we have had the past couple of days. Then we headed over to my in laws which I didn't want to go at all cause my sister in laws are pregnant and I honestly did not want to be around them that day. It wasn't their fault it just made things worse. And when we got there they were talking about being pregnant which I don't blame them but I had to keep going to the bathroom so I can cry and then try and come out acting like I was fine with everything. Overall it was a crappy Sunday and I cried myself to sleep while my husband played video games.
Yesterday wasn't so bad but it stressed me out cause we have to get new phones and I have been slow at work so therefor we don't have much money right now especially with Quin's job slowing down and he has been applying to a ton of places but we haven't heard back from anywhere. So I am extremely stressed about money right now and I hate that it controls our lives especially since all I want is a baby right now but we can't cause we don't have benifits anymore.
And I have been trying to keep my mind off of wanting a baby so bad by running but mother nature decided to make me sick so now I don't have running to get my stress off so that is why I am writing about all my problems right now. Plus I have to starve myself all day long cause I have life insurance coming over for the 3rd time tonight to take my blood cause they haven't been able to find my viens the past two times and I have to fast all day so that is making things worse.
So for today my life sucks and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnell. So I am sorry for those that are reading this but I just have to vent. I don't know how I am going to get through these holidays but I will just have to take baby steps and that is hard to think of taking baby steps cause all I want is a baby. Its just not fair. I am so jealous of so many people right now especially the ones with newborns or who are having babies.
I am sorry if I offended anyone, I am not meaning too. I just don't think I will be completely happy until I have another baby inside of me but who knows when that will ever happen.
Hopefully my next post will be a more positive one especially once I get food inside of me:) There now I feel a little better now that I let everything out.