Sienna's Birthday Party

Sorry it has taken me forever to post about her birthday. We have been busy since and plus this will be my last post on this blog cause I am going to print this into a book and then write about her on my private family blog here on out.

Sienna's birthday was such a beautiful day. I was so emotional leading up to the day but on her birthday I felt very much at peace. I could feel her with me all day and could tell she was excited it was her day.

That night we had close friends and family at her grave and it was a whole lot different then what we had to do the previous year. It was more of a celebration then a heartache. Sienna has blessed so many lives this past year so we know she is where she is suppose to be. Me and Quin said a few words about Sienna then we let off balloons and sang happy birthday to her.

Thank you to all of those who have been there for our family. We still have hard times so we appreciate those that still check up on us and still ask about Sienna. It makes me happy that people to know that she exists and that it wasn't all a dream. If you aren't invited to my private blog and would like to continue to read about our family then e-mail me at teresafarmer13@msn.com and send me your e-mail address.

I am grateful for this trial that I have had to face. I love Sienna so much and am grateful for the blessing she is in my life. Time really does heal and I do feel a lot better then I did a year ago. I am looking forward to what the future has for us and am looking forward to the day that I will be reunited with Sienna.

Letting off balloons

Her decorations

She needed a balloon too

Gavin blowing out the candle on her cake

Love this picture of Gav looking at her grave

My boys watching the balloons go up in the air

Great photo

My two nieces that are the same age as Sienna would be

My neighbor made this amazing cake and my two friends who also lost babies set this up for me on the night we got back from the grave. They said it was Sienna's present. It was so beautiful.

It was so beautiful!

Happy Birthday Sienna!

Dear Sienna,

I can't believe it was a year ago that I last got to hold you in my arms and kiss your cute little face. My how time flies! I have definitely had a roller coaster of emotions this past year good and bad and yet I am grateful to be where I am at today in life! Even though you didn't make it to this earth I feel so blessed to have you. I feel like we have connected so much this past year and I know we have a special bond. I especially love that our birthdays are only 2 days apart because I felt you a huge part of my birthday.

I have felt you several times this year through our trials of your dad getting his appendix removed. I know you where right by his side when he went in for surgery. And I felt you a ton during my miscarriage. That was so hard for me but you brought me such peace and comfort and helped me to understand that some of my kids didn't need to make it to this earth. You watch over that special spirit for me and I look forward to seeing both of you. Please send me one soon though;) I long to hold a baby in my arms.

I have also felt your hand in guiding daddy to his new job and saving him from getting laid off this year and also helping us to our new home. I look forward to moving and I felt like we have been drawn to this place and look forward to seeing the reason why.

I have met many amazing people through loosing you that I have developed close relationships with. I look up to many of these people as they helped me through every step in this healing process and I know it isn't over until I get to see you again.

Sienna my love for the gospel has grown immensely this past year and if it wasn't for loosing you I wouldn't be as strong as I am today. I have the strongest desire to be good and never make mistakes. I listen to better music, I love to go to church, I love to attend the temple as often as I can, and I love searching the scriptures. I am happier when I follow the commandments and I know I wouldn't be like this if it wasn't for you.

Your sweet brother Gavin loves you so much. He got so excited this morning that it was your birthday and is excited to give you his present he picked out for you tonight. I can tell you have such a close bond and I feel like Gavin is an angel too. He has been the best kid I can ask for. Whenever I am crying over you he will bring me his froggy to help me feel better. I bet you are just like him!

Your dad is one amazing man which I am sure you already know. I am the luckiest woman to have him in my life. I feel like there is no one more perfect for me. He loves you so very much and I love when I hear him talking about you. You already have him wrapped around your finger. Just wait till we get to heaven and I am sure he would do anything for you too.

Sienna I know we have a long road ahead before we will be able to see you but I love that I feel your spirit often and I hope it will never go away. I am lucky and honored to have chosen you as my daughter and to have carried this trial because it has made me the woman I am today. Just know that we think of you often and are so thrilled to have you apart of our lives. Thanks for blessing us in more ways then you know. I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I am living, my baby you'll be!!!

Love,

Your Forever Mom

Our Sunshine

A few weeks back as I was heading home from the gym and Gav asked if we could go see Sienna and of course I couldn't say no to that so we headed to her grave and sat and talked to her. It was so cute cause Gavin kept kissing the headstone like he was giving his sister a kiss and he would run around the cemetery and I know they were playing together. When we were about to leave Gav insisted on getting a picture with the grave and I kept telling him no cause we had so many of him with her headstone and he just kept insisting. All I had was my phone so I used my camera on there and took a picture. Some may think that bright light is a reflection from the sun but I took 3 others right after and that bright white light isn't in the picture. I got chills when I saw that picture and knew that that was Sienna wanting to be in the picture with Gavin.

Sienna has truly been my guardian angel and has helped me immensely in my life lately. She has guided me to make the right decisions and comforted me in hard times. She is truly my sunshine and I am grateful to have such a perfect little girl that I will be able to feel her spirit with me a lot.

My Miracle

So I saw this quote the other day when I was at the parade of homes and couldn't help but think of my sweet Sienna...

"Such a BIG miracle in such a LITTLE girl!"

She is a miracle in more ways than I know right now and even though she isn't here on this earth with us I can feel her spirit with me all the time. That picture is of Quin's hand with Sienna wrapped around her finger and I know she is cause his appendix almost burst last week and you could tell she was with him through it all even his surgery. She has sure been watching over us and IS apart of this family. I am lucky to have her!

Brownie

Before

After

Meet "Brownie"! She is my comfort blanket. The pink squares are the fabric we had left over from what Sienna was wrapped in and what we had left of the bear they made. I am glad they gave me back the scraps so I could make this blanket( with a ton and I mean a ton of help from my amazing mother!) If you are wondering why I call it Brownie. Well if most of you don't know Sienna means a reddish brownish color. I know that is sad that my daughter is named after a color but I am obsessed with chocolate and especially brownies and it is my comfort so I decided to name my blanket brownie.

I have it draped over a rocking chair in our spare room (hopefully it will be a babies room someday) And every night I read a book to Gavin in that rocking chair and he asks to be wrapped in the "Sienna blanket".

Sienna's 1 year in heaven is coming up in over a month and I have had a lot of break downs as I prepare myself for that day and that blanket has brought me comfort cause as I wrap myself in it it is almost as if she is wrapping her arms around me.

If any of you have any suggestions on what things I can do for her 1 year in heaven I would love to hear. I am planning on doing a balloon release and making her a little cake to put on her grave. But I want to do more but can't think of much right now.

Finding Peace

I am starting to find more peace and blessings through loosing Sienna. I have definitely felt her spirit with me a lot especially when I attend the temple. I know her mission isn't over and she is performing it here on this earth. She has blessed my life in many ways. I feel like I am doing okay through some of this but today was one of those days that I missed her so dearly.

I just woke up this morning and ached for her. And it ended up putting me in a bad mood this morning which I feel bad my family had to deal with that. But I felt that it would be okay cause church always makes me feel better. Well sitting in Sacrament today and listening to the testimonies one girl got up and talked about how she almost lost her son a week and a half ago due to be backed into with a car and she talked about how it was the most painful day of her life but yet she never felt that close to the Savior. Well that is when I lost it and all the emotions from the day she was taken from me flooded me as I was sitting there in church. I tried to pull myself together but the pain just overcame me yet I felt a peace to it. And as that girl was giving her testimony she was talking about how these trials have to happen for certain purposes and we may not know the reason or understand but there are miracles and blessings that come from that. As I was listening to that I was looking back on this past year and the things we have been blessed with through this trial.

• Me and Quin have grown closer and have cleaved unto each other through it.
• I hold Gavin a little tighter and try to be a better mother
• We have had an immense amount of love and support and prayers.
• I have had great health and so has my family
• Quin got blessed with a better job
• I have made some amazing friends
• My testimony has grown
• I have a closer relationship with my heavenly father
• I have not wanted to make a mistake and try harder to be better
• I have a special angel in my house now
• I can now help those that have trials cause I can understand

And that is just a small amount of the blessings that we have received. And that is what I need to look at. But today I just missed her and I know that is normal and days like this will come and go but at the close of sacrament we sang a song called "More Holiness Give Me" and I will write the words for those who haven't heard it. As I was singing this song I was bawling cause I felt like that song was meant for me with what I have gone through...

More holiness give me, More strivings within

More patience in suffering, More sorrow for sin,

More faith in my Savior, More sense of his care,

More joy in his service, More purpose in prayer.

More gratitude give me, More trust in the Lord,

More pride in his glory, More hope in his word,

More tears for his sorrows, More pain at his grief,

More meekness in trial, More praise for relief.

More purity give me, More strength to overcome,

More freedom from earth stains, More longing for home.

More fit for the kingdom, More used would I be,

More blessed and holy, More Savior like me.

And as I sang that I felt like the last verse was sung through Sienna's eyes and it was like she was speaking to me and telling me she is pure now and away from the stains of this earth but yet she longs to be home with us she is more fit for heaven cause she can be used more there and that she is more blessed and holy like our Savior.

And I finally started feeling more at peace. Relief Society today I felt was lead toward me cause it was about how we spend our time and we read a scripture that by doing the small and simple things that greater things will come about and I know that it really is that simple. If I spend time with my family, reading the scriptures, attending the temple, and on my knees praying then I know everything will fall into place.

I miss my sweet daughter but I am finally understanding her purpose in life now and I am HONORED to be her mother. I sometimes feel unworthy to have a perfect child that was too perfect for this earth but at the same time I feel blessed cause of what she has done for me and helping me to be the woman I am today.

I love you Sienna!!!

Memorial Day

I was telling Quin on Memorial Day that although it is hard and sad, I love that I have a place to go on Memorial Day and I love that it is 2 minutes from our house. We went and bought her some cute pink flowers and we each put one on her grave. It was so beautiful for there and the flags made it feel so special. I definitely feel the spirit when I am there and it makes me enjoy being there more. I also love how excited Gavin gets to go. I honestly believe he has a great relationship with his little sister already and I love seeing the big brother come out of him. It was a beautiful day to be there and I look forward to going every year.

Gavin with his little sister. Can't you just see the love he has for her through those eyes?!

Family photo

All her decorations. There was a pot of orchids on her headstone that I have no clue who put them there but I went there this afternoon and they were gone so it makes me wonder if someone put them on the wrong headstone.

The cemetery looked beautiful with all the flags and flowers.

Running with my Angel

Our fam. We made shirts that said Team Sienna and on mine it said Mommy Loves You! Quin's said Daddy Loves You! and Gavin's said Big Brother Loves You! We also had a picture of her cute feet on there.

My mother in law and Quin's aunt who ran with us. They were such great support!

Last Saturday there was a 5k called Running with Angels and the proceeds went to Angel Watch and they are a group that helped me and Quin prepare for Sienna to come. They helped with the funeral and even gave us some counseling in time of need. They are an amazing group! The race took place at the Thanksgiving Gardens. It was so beautiful. I have never been there and I loved it. I wasn't planning on getting a good time for the race so I just did a nice jog the whole time and Quin was awesome to keep up with me. Right before the finish line we picked up Gavin and my mom gave us some balloons that we ran across the finish line with and then let the balloons go. It was such a beautiful race and we finished in 32 minutes. I had about 20 people supporting us and joined us for the race. I did a team called Team Sienna and we had a lot of people there. It was definitely a spiritual race and pretty emotional. I could feel Sienna with me there and I loved it. I only got 2 pictures of the race cause my dad took all the pictures so I will have to get more from him.

Sienna's Headstone

Sienna's headstone got laid last Thursday just before Mothers Day which was perfect. My brother in law works for a granite company so he provided the granite slab and him and my sister paid for it. They even picked out what it would like like on front so it would be a surprise and I absolutely love it. It is so perfect! I love that they put the lamb on it and the picture of her feet is the exact replica of her cute little feet. If you look closely it even has a ring that she had in her picture. I have already gone and seen it 3 times since it was put it. I love it so much and it is so nice that her grave is finally complete. Mothers day was a little hard but I felt her spirit with me so much that I was able to make it through the day without breaking down. Time is definitely healing me cause I have noticed that I am starting to do better then I was a month ago.

My healing project

So for forever I have been wanting to make a patch blanket out of the left over material that Sienna was wrapped in and I finally bought the material to make the blanket. The pink material is what is the left over stuff and the patch material will be the front of the blanket and the back of the blanket I will do a pattern with the white and pink material. I am very excited about this. I have never sewn a blanket but I have an amazing patient mom who will teach me. I will post pictures when I am done. Hopefully I will finish it in the next couple of weeks.

I have been struggling on and off for the past month and a half but I am trying to do projects to keep myself busy. I think I have too many projects that I have wanted to do that it is becoming overwhelming but I am starting one at a time. I have a memory box that I just bought to put all of Sienna's stuff in it and I want to decorate it a little more. But I am not babysitting my niece anymore which I think will help me heal a little bit cause it was hard watching her cause she reminded me of Sienna so much. Conference also helped me to an extent but I know it won't heal me overnight. There were some great talks that gave me peace and comfort though.

I am just taking it a day at a time now. And learning to love my new normal. Loosing Sienna has changed me forever and it is hard cause I am not the spunky happy person all the time and I have lost some friends cause they just don't know what to say around me anymore which is sad but I have also gained some amazing friends who have helped me along the way. This is who I am now. I am a mother who has lost a child and I will never be the same and I am grateful for those who have accepted me for who I am now. I am trying to find ways to pay it forward in honor of Sienna so that is another project I am searching for. I am looking forward to having a rainbow baby and can't wait to find out when I am pregnant. But for now I will take baby steps to healing.

A Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes.

I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think

I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes, they are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these Shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in this world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them do they don't hurt quite as much.

some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No Woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Missing her bad!

This is my little Sienna's shrine. I have a shelf with stuff and then this is in a little bookcase but I love that things keep adding to it. That porcelain doll was given to my mom when I was a little girl cause someone said it looked just like me. My mom has had it on her dresser for years and she gave it to me the other day cause she said it now reminded her of Sienna. The doll has angel wings on the back and it is so perfect. It is almost as if heavenly father knew that I needed that doll so he prompted that lady to give it to my mom so that I would receive it someday. This is going to be a downer post but sorry I have had some pretty downer days and I need to let it out.

Well since the beginning of January I felt like I was doing so well. I was so happy I was loosing weight pretty fast, Quin got a new job and things were just going great! Then once Sienna's 6 month mark hit I felt like I have gone downhill. I have gone through all the emotions of being mad that heavenly father took her from me to crying and aching to hold her in my arms just one more time. I babysit my niece everyday and it use to be good therapy for me and now it has been hard cause rocking my niece in the rocking chair in my house makes me so upset that it isn't Sienna and watching my niece is making me want Sienna so bad. I tried to do a new challenge to help me loose weight and I had to throw the challenge out the window cause I couldn't function. Quin had school last night I just laid in bed all night while I let Gav watch cartoons cause I was so depressed. I don't know what has come over me! I don't know if I just haven't had people asking how I am doing anymore or if heavenly father is finally letting me get through this on my own. I have said several prayers to help me be happy again and I have had many people say "Well you are going to be getting pregnant soon so you shouldn't be sad anymore" and that just makes me mad cause no child is going to replace Sienna and yeah having another baby may help in the healing process but it isn't going to make me not want her. I still ache for her so bad and a part of me is mad cause I feel like heavenly father has tortured me with being pregnant with my sister in laws and then he takes my daughter away. I have such a strong testimony of this gospel and I do turn to my Savior for everything but there are times that I just don't understand why this had to happen to me.

I know that I could just be having one of those bad days/weeks but sometimes I just want all the answers right now I know I won't get them for a while. I am so happy that general conference is this weekend cause I am in much need of answers to my prayers. Sorry I am so down but I just had to let it out and hopefully I am not the only one that has felt this way. Hopefully I will have a happier post next time.:)

6 Months Gone

I can't believe it has been 6 months since I said goodbye to my sweet Sienna. It seems like years ago but at the same time it seems like just yesterday. I can't believe how far I have come and grown since I had her. I am now starting to accept it and enjoy the blessings that she has brought into our lives. I feel so blessed to have a daughter like her. This year has been so busy for us and I feel like that is a good thing cause I don't sit and cry everyday. I am surprisingly doing okay until I talked to my mom today and all she asked was how I was doing and I broke down. It is crazy how it can hit you so hard and you loose it.

I want to share an experience since this is my Sienna journal. My little sister went through the temple two weeks ago to receive her endowments and as soon as I stepped into the celestial room Sienna was standing right next to me. I have never felt her that close and it was such an overwhelming amazing feeling. I felt bad cause all my family was standing around talking and I was such an emotional wreck so Quin took me to a couch and we both sat down and held each other. There was a space next to me on the couch so I put my hand down and I felt her hand lay right on top of me. When it was time to go I just starting crying hard cause I didn't want to leave that room. I wanted to be that close to my Sienna. It was like as soon as I stepped out of that room she was gone. She sure is telling me that if I want to be with her I need to go to the temple more often.

Today I have had my ups and downs and I have had some amazing women come visit me. Two of them lost their babies just recently so they understood the pain I was going through today. I am so grateful for the women I have met and the strength that they have given me. I have kept pretty busy. Me and Gav went to the store and picked out flowers for her grave which was so much fun. We took them to her grave this after noon and stayed there for a while. As we are about to leave I tell Gav to say goodbye to Sienna and he runs over to her grave and gives the air a hug and a kiss almost as if she was standing right there. It was so cute and as we were walking to the car he kept saying "I love you Sienna!" I miss my sweet girl so much and I am looking forward to seeing her again!

Gav picked out the pinwheel flower and it was fun to watch him try and put it in the ground.

Such a proud big brother!

Sienna's new decor on her grave.

Wished You Were Here

Dearest Sienna,

We sure did miss you yesterday but for some reason we felt your spirit with us. It was hard as we sat at your cousins baby blessing and wished we were the ones giving you a blessing. It was hard as your daddy turned to me and said "Things like this are hard aren't they?" as his eyes started welling up with tears. That was the first time I had seen him cry since your funeral so I could tell that he was really missing you too. Stuff like that makes me wonder what life would have been like if you were here with us and it just isn't fair sometimes that we don't have you. Your big brother still points at everything pink and says its your favorite color. So I hope pink is your favorite color cause you will have one disappointed big brother;) He looks up to you and I hope you still come see him every now and then. It is hard cause some days I feel like last year never happened and everything is a blur that I have to go look at the pictures of you and know that you exist and that you are my daughter. I have been a horrible mother and haven't visited your grave especially since you are only a couple of minutes from us. Please forgive me sweetheart your mommy is struggling. I have brought a swing upstairs from when I watched your cousin and it is hard every time I pass the room that was suppose to be yours and I can picture you in that swing. I try and keep that door closed cause it hurts sometimes knowing that you were suppose to be here in that room. I know I can be strong but for today I miss you and I wish you were here.

Love,

Your forever Mommy

Hallelujah!!!!

I have never been more excited over anyone getting a job then my husband this last friday. He has been going through an interview process for the past month and around 60 people applied and it was down to two people and Friday was his last interview and HE GOT THE JOB!!!! I started crying I was so excited that FINALLY something good was happening to us! Our life is finally starting to look up. Quin has had a long 4 years in his past job which he got awesome experience which helped him out in getting this job. Everything about his new job is amazing and must I add he will finally have BENEFITS which means we will be able to add another special spirit to our family which I can't not wait for! I know it will still be a few months down the road before I get pregnant but at least I can see that it will be happening soon. I will forever miss our sweet Sienna but I have to add she has given us so many blessings and I know this job is one of them. I am missing her a lot today and it has been a while since I have gone and seen her. I am waiting for this weather to get warmer. I also want to go get her something for her grave. She deserves a present for all she has done for us and we just need to go thank her for helping us be happy again. I love you sweet girl!!! Thanks for everything!!

I love dreams!

I think I read into dreams so much but honestly I feel like it is a way that my heavenly father speaks to me. My grandma visited me in a dream and I just feel like dreams are ways I get many answers to my prayers. Well I had a dream last night that I just have to share so I don't forget it but after I had Sienna I wished so badly that I was able to have some time with her before she passed away. I wished I was able to see the life in her instead of her limp body. That was so hard for me. It was hard for me to read mothers stories that got that and I wished so badly that I could have that. Well I know this sounds weird but last night I dreamt about my delivery and this time she had life in her. I had a dream that I delivered her and she was still alive. The doctor said it was a matter of hours before she passed away and I just remember in my dream her looking up at me and seeing that bond that we had and changing her first/last diaper and just holding her in my arms with her moving. I wanted to cry with excitement when I woke up because in my dreams I was able to hold my baby girl and see her stare back at me. I think heavenly father knew that I wanted that so bad so he made it come true in my dreams. I feel like I got a little bit more closure even after I woke up and yet it made me so baby hungry to hold my own baby in my arms again and see those precious eyes staring back at me. I know I have my son but I try to hold him and cuddle him but can you imagine an almost 3 year old cuddling like that. There is no way except for when he is sleeping. But it just made me so happy that I got to have the bond with my angel in my dreams. I love you sweet girl!!!
I also wanted to share that last weekend as I went on a trip with my husband which was muchly needed I thought to myself as we were driving I am finally starting to feel truly happy again since I have had Sienna. I actually smiled for real instead of forcing it out of me. I actually felt like I will be okay that I can make it and I am seeing the end of this depression and the beginning of my happiness again. I am not going to lie I know I will still have days that I just want to lock myself in my room and cry but I am actually seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Things are starting to move along with Quin's job searching and it is bringing so much more hope to when we can have another beautiful baby.
I am starting to love life again and each day is getting better!:)

A better year?

Will I get a better year this year? I hope so! Wow last year was pretty much the hardest year I have ever had. I have read some women's blogs about accepting the fact that their baby died. Lets just say I am not to that point yet. It is still so hard for me and hopefully someday I will say that I can accept it but for now I am still in the healing process.

As I look back on last year it seemed to have flown by but at the same time I feel like I was in limbo most of the year and my life was stuck waiting. I have looked back on the many blessings we received last year and am so grateful for everything that we were given. I have also had times as I look back and wish I could fast forward time and wish that we never got the news that Sienna wouldn't make it and that we would have had a healthy baby girl.

I don't know if any of you have seen the movie Tangled but it was a great movie but at the same time extremely hard for me to see. In the movie and I hope I don't give it away but they let off glowing lanterns on the princess's birthday every year and the worst was Gavin said " Look its like Sienna!" during the movie and I just lost it. I was a wreck during the whole movie and tried to hold in my tears but couldn't. The movie reminded me of her so much and letting of the balloons at her grave and we talked about making it a tradition to let off balloons on her birthday every year. Anyways I was a wreck the rest of the new year cause we went back to my in laws and all the boys were playing video games while the girls were taking care of their brand new babies. That was the last straw. I couldn't be there anymore. It was like someone had ripped my heart out as I was sitting there watching this happen. I had to leave the room immediately cause I couldn't hold the tears back any longer! Quin being the most amazing husband ever followed me and asked what was wrong. I told him it wasn't fair that I had to sit there and feel left out that I didn't have a baby and that the guys were having a great time playing games. He completely understood and took me home and spent the rest of the night with me watching a movie and cuddling. Seriously I couldn't ask for a more amazing husband!!! I am sitting here crying because of how blessed I am to have him.

Anyways I am hoping for a better year and hoping he will get a great job with benefits so that I can get pregnant again. I started an 8 week program that will keep my occupied until then. I am excited for this year and for what it has to hold. I know it can't be worst then last year at least lets hope and pray it won't be:)!